Venting Self harm

[monetpompo]

I'm attention-seeking, a coward, and a loser to everyone that knows me. I'm screaming outside and biting down on my arm because everything feels frustrating and for the past few weeks I've not been hanging out with anyone besides my sister, whose life is way better than mine because she knows she has value in the world. I hate my mom because she thinks I'm a child and that I can't do anything myself, but my sister secretly thinks the same way even though she pretends she doesn't. I don't know if it's because I'm autistic or if it's because I wait to be given orders by everyone around me because I'm worried about doing everything wrong. I can't maintain relationships because I self destruct and start thinking that they're conspiring against me and waiting for the right time to leave me. I can't talk to people because I think that they don't like me even if they tell me they like me and reach out to me, because I automatically assume they have someone better they can reach out to instead of me. I hate being alive. I hate this feeling of inadequacy that I'm perpetuating by not doing anything about it. I hate my dumb attempts to self harm by starving, pushing people away, or by hitting myself. People consider real self harm to be cutting or burning yourself, not what I do. Hitting yourself on the head or bitting into your arm just makes you look like a stupid animal. No one even cares.

I'm just a child and a coward. People can never believe that I'm an adult. I'm stuck in a feminine, childlike body that only perverts are attracted to. I'm not someone people like and I make everything about myself. I wish I were someone else so badly. I wish I could gnaw all my limbs off and give them to other people so they could appreciate them more and use them instead of them being attached to a useless person like me. There are some people in the world that are fated to never achieve anything. They're born too stupid and afraid and can't get as far as everyone else because they think everyone will mock them for attempting to be human they way are. I'm disgusting and sick. I wish I could just die. The rope I bought wasn't even that good at tying knots so I needed to buy another one. I wish that I could just contribute something to other people's lives without being a complete loser failure. I never try hard enough and that's why people are disappointed with me. No one wants to tell me the truth and say that they really just don't care about me and they want to leave me. It feels like there's no point in making friends at all because I'm never going to be happy enough for them. No one is ever going to want a person like me. I want to tell everyone I know that I'll be going away for a long time and they won't be able to hear from me just so I can get texts asking about what I'm doing and if I'm okay. I'm so selfish and disgusting. I wish everyone would tell me that they hate me.

EDIT: i'm chill

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[RoseGirl]

My brother also self harms with biting x3
I personally punch myself in the thigh or hip.

Whenever I'm asked if i sh from medical teams they ask me if I hit my head :p

Cutting is a little annoying because like my family occasionally notices a knife misplaced and harrassses me over it. + knives aren't that sharp well at least the ones in my house

 

[monetpompo]

hyello rosegirl

My brother also self harms with biting x3
I personally punch myself in the thigh or hip.

biting makes me so masculine...
i used to be a punchmaxxer but then it would make my thigh hurt til the next day. i've been repressing my self harm urges but now they're stronger since i don't know how to cope with my anhedonia lol

i don't feel like cutting since knives can get dull rlly easily like you said and the bandages would be super noticeable. i knew somebody in high school that did it but she was terrible at maintenance

 

[CesiumBullet]

The therapist response: would you talk that way to other peoples' faces? Do you think other people who sh are attention-seekers too?

My psychotic sh-loving response: hitting and biting is totally valid sh. I use a kubaton (self-defense weapon) on a thigh to bruise myself. There's no one right way to sh. The intent is what matters and shows your suffering, not the damage done. Many people who cut really deep don't feel the same amount of pain as those who don't.

(also, from experience, biting, hitting, scratching, etc... hurt way more than cutting)...

 

[monetpompo]

would you talk that way to other peoples' faces? Do you think other people who sh are attention-seekers too?

so true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i would never say this about any of my friends or other self harmers because i care about them very deeply?!?!



thank u for your reply. it's very insightful. i was going crazy outside and thrashing around since i hated everybody and myself and it's 30 minutes later and i feel better. i think that being repulsed by myself makes me way more repulsed by me self harming since i think i'm not capable of doing anything the right way, but i'll validate anybody that tells me they self harm. punching hits so much that i'm reluctant to do it since i get a headache from hitting myself or my thigh hurts for the rest of the day lol. i can't rlly tell people about my sh urges either since they don't understand or get worried since they're a normal person

 

[CesiumBullet]

punching hits so much that i'm reluctant to do it since i get a headache

this is malebrained af. you're going to make it. but also,,, be careful with hitting yourself on the head, it's way easier to give yourself a concussion than you think!

 

[NaturalBornNEET]

I used to self harm by punching my face all the time until I developed a crooked jaw, now it pops every time I open it wide

Used to also suffocate myself until I passed out to deal with anger, worked like a charm

 

[RoseGirl]

!!! how do u sufforcate yourself till u pass out :c
I tried doing that yesterday but failed :c

I used to self harm by punching my face all the time until I developed a crooked jaw, now it pops every time I open it wide

Used to also suffocate myself until I passed out to deal with anger, worked like a charm

 

[monetpompo]

Used to also suffocate myself until I passed out to deal with anger

!!! how do u sufforcate yourself till u pass out :c

agree with @RoseGirl, it sounds crazy that you were able to suffocate yourself until you passed out. maybe you've got really strong arms. my arms always get really weak before i get close to passing out. also i'm sorry that you gave yourself a crooked jaw from hitting yourself :(

 

[RoseGirl]

I am like decently strong but I've never been able to exert enoug force to cut off anything

 

[NaturalBornNEET]

!!! how do u sufforcate yourself till u pass out :c
I tried doing that yesterday but failed :c

The rage gets rid of any apprehension, the passing out is brief, like less than a second but it's like hitting reset on my nervous system and I just come out feeling confused but relieved

But also 50% of the time I'd choke myself I'd just get extreme pain like my eyes are gonna burst out their sockets

 

[RoseGirl]

Where do you choke yourself. Your upper neck? Do you use one hand, two hands?

 

[NaturalBornNEET]

Where do you choke yourself. Your upper neck? Do you use one hand, two hands?

Most of the time I'd use something like my dressing gown belt. Never paid attention I just pulled that shit wishing my head would pop off, but yeah like upper neck.

Haven't done it for years now tho, I wonder how much brain damage it gave me

 

[RoseGirl]

Oh that makes sense

 

[monetpompo]

I'm attention-seeking, a coward, and a loser to everyone that knows me.

monet post v2

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I keep making plans to die and keep wanting to die but I'm nowhere near close to actually dying. I just keep wanting and thinking about it so much that I want to explode. Today I hit myself with the back of my hairbrush because it's my friend's birthday today and I wasn't acting as happy as I wanted to be and I felt really guilty about it. He moved away in January and I've been missing him ever sense. He doesn't want me to talk about being suicidal or me wanting to self harm. He just wants to talk about normal stuff. He says me thinking he hates me is just my mind coming up with things and he's right, but I still believe myself more because I think he could still be lying to me. I'm probably just crazy. I haven't been able to get therapy and the cheapo therapy I tried to get before just led to me lashing out at my therapist or getting weirded out by them because they started asking me invasive questions because I'm trans. I keep on writing and rewriting my suicide note. I keep finding reasons to write my suicide note. I just keep wanting to die and hurt myself. I pretend I want to keep living so that people don't needlessly worry about me, but that's it. No one understands why I want to kill myself. If I told my sister, she'd just tell me things would get better for me if I waited. No, clearly they haven't gotten better. She's just always had more motivation than me.

I just feel like I'm always pretending that I'm not a depressed weirdo with no real hobbies or interests. All this venting only feels meaningful to me if I eventually kill myself. I want to stop rewriting my suicide note. I feel like I don't even want to tell anybody I killed myself. My friend wouldn't know about me killing myself since he's out of town, so I'd have to schedule an email just to him. I keep feeling sick, like there's some pit in my stomach. It goes away for a little if I hit myself, because it shocks me enough to distract me from my thoughts. I have very little drive to do much of anything. I know the non-methods don't work and that's the only reason I'm not doing them. I can't run into the road crazy style because that would just make me disabled and break my legs probably. I feel like no one wants me here to begin with, but they say they do. I feel like the absence of a person. I want to be ugly and dirty so that no one wants me. I looked in the mirror today and I looked pretty normal, even though I cried all day and I have nothing redeemable about me. I feel like I just look like a sad child or an angsty teenager when I'm walking around Walmart or McDonald's because those are the only places I go. I don't go anywhere and I don't do anything. I keep hoping every night that I'll stop existing, but I still do. I want to die so that I won't have to keep living at my parents' house and so that I can never bother anyone in my life ever again. I want the feeling that I'm going to vomit to go away. I know that I'm wasting every day by crying and hurting myself instead of doing something actually important or productive. I want to be stricken down or killed by something outside of my control. I spend every day going insane for no reason. I wish I was born a normal girl with wealthy parents instead of creepy trans guy that hates everyone and starts punching himself when he's mad. My parents wanted me to be normal, so they punished me, and now I punish myself because I want to get punished. I want to get punished for being sad and for not having a happy look on my face. I want to get yelled at and told I'm not normal. But I'm too old to be punished now. I'm supposed to be an adult.

I hate being stuck in a cycle of wanting attention but not feeling like I deserve it from anyone. I've gotten more active on this site since I don't really feel like posting anywhere else. Realistically I can't tell anyone I want to commit suicide. They won't be able to process it and they won't understand, so I'll just feel guilty if I trust anyone. Sometimes I'm just worried it's something that can be used as a form of emotional blackmail, being able to say, "I stayed friends with you even while you were depressed". That's probably me just being paranoid. None of my friends are bad enough to do that, but I feel like being suicidal just makes you seem like even more of a chore to your friends instead of being someone easy you can have quick conversations with.

good night zzzzz