Second time more brutal

[Nullm]

What are the chances of being fooled again? Plenty
Only i don't see any getting out in the last minute again saying maybe i can keep on
After i already tried that
Last time (2 yeas ago) it wasn't actually attempt i ordered N 3 bottles without anti -emetics dont remember why i skipped that
After month wait i got it few days later went to a hotel opened the package and found out that half the content was spilled (i asked him for disguise bottles)
Then i was waiting for 9 pm dont rememeber why
But without using my head i droped it in the sink (even though i already had orange nuice and choclate on the table) out of fear in going through the interval between drinking and dying
I knew that in this interval i would feel like i'm gonna die and no escape from it
In short a bloody coward
Afterwards returning home seeing the first person on the street i screamed in my head over this horrible mistake
Had no choice got a rope then looked for a suitable place found none (i dont go a driving lisence )
Finally there was some strange place in a nature park with rods on the ceiling
I went there for few weeks every few nights didn't dare to kick the chair once i did but my toe scartched the floor in the meantime all those feelings of life is precious worn me till i finally sacrificed my diginty
And gone back to life without it
Now my convictions even though unhealthy ones only got reinforced and reinforced etc..

 

[suffering]

Not sure we experienced the same thing, but I think I was in the more or less the same situation. My mind was ready, I booked the hotel, I was 100% decided, but my body couldn't do it. I kept delaying, I kept waiting as if some miracle would come and kill me until I gave up. The feeling of cowardice overtook me, I felt so humiliated. I took me months(spent in isolation) just to feel human again, I kept feeling like I have no dignity, no power, no nothing. I know part of it was an exaggeration, but there is also the truth of being chained in the human condition.
The only thing I can do now is accept what I cannot change and do the best. The reality is that I am cursed with a very strong survival instinct. My goal is to avoid suffering (which suicide would have solved permanently). So I will focus on making money, staying healthy, and so on. My morals have also been altered. I lost most of my scruples, but I don't care much anymore.
Anyway, I am sorry you are going through this. This whole forum feels so close to my heart and I hope we all eventually find peace.