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MourningFlower

MourningFlower

Optimistic Nihilist
Jan 8, 2025
20
This is just a general vent, so please feel free to ignore me. Questions are welcome, but there are some things I would rather not talk about.

I have SchizoAffective Disorder. Bipolar type. I broke down at 21 (I'm now in my 30's, please don't remind me), and have very few memories from around that time, thanks to episodes and a point blank refusal to believe anything presented to me as fact. I trusted nobody, not even my own Mother, who is sadly now no longer with us.

My life has been... chaotic, to say the least. I have a tendency to oscillate rapidly between borderline agoraphobe and NEVER inside. I enjoy being alone, I love the peace it brings. But yet, I always find myself craving the intimacy that comes from genuine friendships. Romantic relationships... not so much. While a companion would be nice, and I see the benefits of having somebody to love and be loved by, I've been abused. It's a whole thing, and I'm still processing/grieving a LOT of things I never thought would happen. I've been seeking therapy again, but it's a long process. There are so many in need, and as I'm not on the verge of CTB, or at least not perceived that way, I'm not a priority here. My main option is private, and I need to pay off debts/get my finances in order before I can seek it.

My hallucinations tend to leave me in a state of not trusting reality. Things warp. They twist. They drop away. I've spent 3 hours staring at a wall before, watching the shooting stars. And the voices? They're not inside my head. They come from outside. I speak with them often, but sometimes it's not worth listening. Music helps. Art helps even more, but I'm tired of hearing "You should turn that into a business!" from well meaning, but ultimately underqualified people. My art is my hobby, a passion, something I do for fun and cartharsis. Not a business, not something to be sold.

I find it rather ironic that I can support others, but when I'm on a downward spiral, I won't listen to reason. Or logic. Or kindness. I don't believe I deserve it, despite being told so many times I do.

All this to say, I'm still here. Still fighting. Still screaming into the void. For how much longer, I don't know, but while I still am, I will continue to be myself, in whatever state that comes. It's all I know.
 
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Reactions: Forever Sleep, SchizoGymnast, GarageKarate07 and 1 other person
MourningFlower

MourningFlower

Optimistic Nihilist
Jan 8, 2025
20
Listening to this on repeat is keeping me grounded right now. I'm really hoping this isn't an episode.
 
Ch4in3dcr0w

Ch4in3dcr0w

if u ever see me happy just kill me
Jun 21, 2025
82
Its good that u are still fighting and being yourself. On the part of not listening to reason/logic or kidness u absolutly deserve it and u deserve better in life than u have it right now like a lot of us here do. On another note thanks for posting the song i will for sure listen to it and more of the band(?) as it looks interesting. Much love and good luck in the future, keep being yourself 🤗
 

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