So I left uni pretty abruptly last term due to psychosis last term that made me think everyone was bullying me which has since turned out to be only partially true.
I've returned but nobody really knows why I left or what the fuck went on with me so I think they just assume it was some kind of depression. It feels so awkward trying to reintegrate with people who are being kind of overly kind but in a pitying way???
There's a big group of students who do my course who stick together and I haven't spoken to that group apart from a couple individuals and now I'm scared to return to it as I feel it will be an event and people will ask me questions I don't want to answer and all the attention will be on me.
Just I feel like everyone thinks of me as some mental case. Doesn't help having Autism so interactions are awkward AF and if someone is already expecting me to be strange they just fucking leave the second I open my mouth.
Some guy called me over today being nice and I ended up saying some fucking bullshit thing that sounded rude because I dont process stuff that fast and he immediately left understandably but it just made me feel complete shit and I'd rather he didn't make the effort.
I sometimes wish neurotypical people would just give me time. That's what I like about some autistic people I feel like we both understand what its like to not be on the ball all the time socially so we give each other time. I can't do a social interaction in 5 seconds without fucking it up, sorry.
Give me time to explain my thinking more in depth and maybe I wouldn't seem such a fucking weirdo.
Ahhhhh I know people are trying to be nice but I just feel like I will never be anything but the crazy autistic kid to them so what the fucks the point of trying with them?
And yet I feel intensely lonely and I can't lie myself into not feeling that way. I'm growing so fucking frustrated and knowing I'm basically throwing this opportunity down the drain.
At least I have one friend but I've even fucked shit up with him because my ADHD means I can't fucking focus even when someone's telling me something really personal its like I'm really fucking trying but my brain will just not focus.
I've returned but nobody really knows why I left or what the fuck went on with me so I think they just assume it was some kind of depression. It feels so awkward trying to reintegrate with people who are being kind of overly kind but in a pitying way???
There's a big group of students who do my course who stick together and I haven't spoken to that group apart from a couple individuals and now I'm scared to return to it as I feel it will be an event and people will ask me questions I don't want to answer and all the attention will be on me.
Just I feel like everyone thinks of me as some mental case. Doesn't help having Autism so interactions are awkward AF and if someone is already expecting me to be strange they just fucking leave the second I open my mouth.
Some guy called me over today being nice and I ended up saying some fucking bullshit thing that sounded rude because I dont process stuff that fast and he immediately left understandably but it just made me feel complete shit and I'd rather he didn't make the effort.
I sometimes wish neurotypical people would just give me time. That's what I like about some autistic people I feel like we both understand what its like to not be on the ball all the time socially so we give each other time. I can't do a social interaction in 5 seconds without fucking it up, sorry.
Give me time to explain my thinking more in depth and maybe I wouldn't seem such a fucking weirdo.
Ahhhhh I know people are trying to be nice but I just feel like I will never be anything but the crazy autistic kid to them so what the fucks the point of trying with them?
And yet I feel intensely lonely and I can't lie myself into not feeling that way. I'm growing so fucking frustrated and knowing I'm basically throwing this opportunity down the drain.
At least I have one friend but I've even fucked shit up with him because my ADHD means I can't fucking focus even when someone's telling me something really personal its like I'm really fucking trying but my brain will just not focus.
