R. A.
Some day the dream will end
- Aug 8, 2022
- 1,650
As a person with multiple chronic health issues which tend to come and go either in intensity or outright - literally remission and relapse - I think this is a much better way of framing suicidal ideation and its absence. TL;DR: if you stop feeling suicidal but later start again, don't feel bad about it (or at least not worse than you already are by virtue of the fact that you're suicidal).
For most, I doubt the dichotomous presentation of "recovered" and "suicidal" is helpful. I've seen many users over time come back after periods of time away—often long periods, sometimes filled with hope and promise, with wishes of death minimally- or fully non-existent. I myself am one such example. Aside from some very rare, fleeting notions as a teen, I had my first lucid thought of deliberately ending my life years before making this account. It was for a few weeks only, due to health, which faded along with symptoms. A half year later it returned, stronger but passively, in the background for some weeks more.
Another half year later, the combined weight of all the shit I'd suffered in a rather short span of time all came crashing down when I was in a situation with no avenue for proper escape by way of distraction, my theretofore coping mechanism. Eventually I was able to change things and once again: no thinking of suicide. This come-and-go/wax-and-wane pattern went on for some time until something snapped and I ended up here.
But still the pattern held—life happened, and I ended up off the forum for over a year, not thinking about ending myself despite experiencing some of the most intense hardship of my life yet to-date. Even now, despite my deep desire to preempt a life of decreasing health and increasing disability, the pull is not uniform. Some days I barely feel it. On these days I may enjoy my deliberately slow pace on a short walk. A mishap in the home that would otherwise have me eyeing sharp objects desirously barely fazes me. The days antithetical to these—those where every conscious moment feels like a hell worse than any conceivable malevolent being could conjure—still come, but oddly enough they are sandwiched between the former kind. It truly seems impossible that either could exist when I'm in the thick of their opposite.
I don't believe that to a mind that has ever truly considered death a preferable option to life, it's impossible that such a thought will never occur after any given point. I think we are a changed kind; one that rejects the notion of "live at all costs", for whatever reason. But this isn't a failed recovery. We simply have been in situations and/or have such a brain that led us to an outlook that the vast majority of the population seems not to have, let alone ever act upon. For most of us, leaving behind the thick fog of consistently yearning for death does not necessarily mean we will never have another day of poor visibility.
And that is ok. Because that fog too may lift.
For most, I doubt the dichotomous presentation of "recovered" and "suicidal" is helpful. I've seen many users over time come back after periods of time away—often long periods, sometimes filled with hope and promise, with wishes of death minimally- or fully non-existent. I myself am one such example. Aside from some very rare, fleeting notions as a teen, I had my first lucid thought of deliberately ending my life years before making this account. It was for a few weeks only, due to health, which faded along with symptoms. A half year later it returned, stronger but passively, in the background for some weeks more.
Another half year later, the combined weight of all the shit I'd suffered in a rather short span of time all came crashing down when I was in a situation with no avenue for proper escape by way of distraction, my theretofore coping mechanism. Eventually I was able to change things and once again: no thinking of suicide. This come-and-go/wax-and-wane pattern went on for some time until something snapped and I ended up here.
But still the pattern held—life happened, and I ended up off the forum for over a year, not thinking about ending myself despite experiencing some of the most intense hardship of my life yet to-date. Even now, despite my deep desire to preempt a life of decreasing health and increasing disability, the pull is not uniform. Some days I barely feel it. On these days I may enjoy my deliberately slow pace on a short walk. A mishap in the home that would otherwise have me eyeing sharp objects desirously barely fazes me. The days antithetical to these—those where every conscious moment feels like a hell worse than any conceivable malevolent being could conjure—still come, but oddly enough they are sandwiched between the former kind. It truly seems impossible that either could exist when I'm in the thick of their opposite.
I don't believe that to a mind that has ever truly considered death a preferable option to life, it's impossible that such a thought will never occur after any given point. I think we are a changed kind; one that rejects the notion of "live at all costs", for whatever reason. But this isn't a failed recovery. We simply have been in situations and/or have such a brain that led us to an outlook that the vast majority of the population seems not to have, let alone ever act upon. For most of us, leaving behind the thick fog of consistently yearning for death does not necessarily mean we will never have another day of poor visibility.
And that is ok. Because that fog too may lift.
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