Venting recovery is so hard and i think i almost jumped into oncoming traffic yesterday

[guineapiglover8503]

ive been trying my best to recover as my last post entailed, but i have so many moments where everything just hurts so bad. yesterday i took a walk along a divided highway and didnt flinch when cars would pass super close to me at 50+ mph and i felt my legs trying to push me towards them. i think a good chunk of me wanted to end it then and there but besides wanting to try to recover i understand how traumatizing it could be for someone to experience that. I have started crying so frequently and easily now partially due to my meds and its a good outlet for my pain but sometimes things hurt so bad but also sometimes things seem fine or even good.

im on a call rn fighting back tears (none of their faults) just from my mental pains and thoughts that wont leave my head. i want it to stop so bad.


i also named some people on my note who i blame for a lot of my pain but i kinda just put it there when venting and will likely remove it because that would be a bit petty on my part.

i just want the pain to go away and this sounds immature but i have been really wanting to purchase DMT and tabs to try for the first time and to make the pain go away

 

[Pearl]

I was driving on the highway just now wishing someone would just crash into me and fatally injure me. I feel that way a lot about any thing I experience that could lead to my death. I get a stomach ache and wish it leads to an internal bleed or headache that is an aneurysm. I am just so scared to actually CTB myself that I wish my time would just naturally end.

 

[hereornot]

I'm sorry for your pain.

I myself have considered throwing myself into traffic, and the members here on the site have shown me how bad an idea that is.

Involving other people and traumatizing them, in addition to causing harm, is not fair.

 

[8leveloquenfrn4evr8]

It is an inevitable thought every time I have to leave the house and walk on any street with cars going by.

 

[guineapiglover8503]

I was driving on the highway just now wishing someone would just crash into me and fatally injure me. I feel that way a lot about any thing I experience that could lead to my death. I get a stomach ache and wish it leads to an internal bleed or headache that is an aneurysm. I am just so scared to actually CTB myself that I wish my time would just naturally end.

several times ive had to stop myself from unbuckling while driving just in case someone crashes into me, i'm so sorry <3

I'm sorry for your pain.

I myself have considered throwing myself into traffic, and the members here on the site have shown me how bad an idea that is.

Involving other people and traumatizing them, in addition to causing harm, is not fair.

if i ever attempted and survived with such a method i would never forgive myself. i dont ever want to traumatize other people and for that reason im even weary of jumping from a high building.

 

[hereornot]

if i ever attempted and survived with such a method i would never forgive myself. i dont ever want to traumatize other people and for that reason im even weary of jumping from a high building.

I also gave up jumping for this same reason.

 

[Regen]

Yes, sometimes it is so incredibly difficult! This psychological pain is almost unbearable.

I'm glad you were able to resist the urge. Jumping in front of a car can have fatal consequences for other road users, but also for you. Surviving with serious injuries is a nightmare. But you know that yourself, I didn't want to lecture you.

Recovery is so hard sometimes. But I met people who made it. I myself will always suffer, but I'm at a point where it's definitely no longer so bad that I can't stand it anymore. It helps me to know others who are not always well, but who are working on healing.

I hope you're feeling a little better today. I hope you're in less pain and being kind to yourself. I hope you can take a little break from the pain right now.

 

[3/4Dead]

Its definetly a difficult process. Sorry you've been struggling so much; im sure theres something fantastic on the other side fo this struggle. wishing you the best

 

[2messdup]

I'm sorry for your pain.

I myself have considered throwing myself into traffic, and the members here on the site have shown me how bad an idea that is.

Involving other people and traumatizing them, in addition to causing harm, is not fair.

Yeah but I get that feeling too recently t and in the moment you just don't care. Selfish I know but it is what it is