Venting Recovering from someone's attempt.

[SoLowHollow48]

Hi, guys. I have an ex whose account was once here. I'm not sure if it's been deactivated yet or not but I've declared on her account that her SN attempt is successful and so she's passed this June 23rd. For months, I am trying to deal with her loss right now. When someone passed away here, what do you do to just accept in and move on with life? I feel like whatever thoughts I have surrounding kicking my own bucket got worse as I thought about her death.

I was horrible to her. When she was struggling with her depression, I was struggling with my family and I wasn't strong enough to be patient with her. We ended up fighting and as I grew meaner with my words, she shut me out entirely from her life until the day that she died. I was in the dark for about 4 months before I was called by her sister about her death. Since then, I kept telling myself that I don't deserve any sort of forgiveness from her or from myself. I should live just to die. I shouldn't be happy and if another person comes along, I'll just fuck it up and that would be deserving because I failed her. I failed the only person who wanted me.

It's one of the reasons why I'm here, actually. Maybe I should catch up, you know? Why the fuck am I still breathing?

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

Since then, I kept telling myself that I don't deserve any sort of forgiveness from her or from myself. I should live just to die. I shouldn't be happy and if another person comes along, I'll just fuck it up and that would be deserving because I failed her. I failed the only person who wanted me.

I mean, I think you changing for the better would be more technically meaningful than just following suit in CTBing like she did. Your punishment for being a rancid (but sympathetic) asshole at some point shouldn't be death. If that was the case, half this site would deserve to die, Recovery section included.

What I'm saying is... choose what you decide to choose, but it isn't your "only option" in regards to consequences of your actions. Anyone who works on themselves, can become a better person and be worthy of love/stable in a relationship. Unless your ex left a note specifically aimed at you, you can't know if they even blamed you at all, so maybe you CTBing isn't what they'd want.

Whatever you choose, I hope you find a way to decrease your suffering. You deserve to feel valued.