neurotoxic
Student
- Sep 15, 2019
- 135
After recently choosing to go to the psych ward rather than attempt, I think it would be beneficial for me to outline the good and the bad reasons I'm currently still breathing
The good
1.I'm waiting to be approved for ECT. Meds haven't worked, and the possibility of getting something done that may help, gives me some hope.
2.I need to beat this game I've been playing. Perhaps that's a bad reason to some people, but its something that brings me joy and allows me to escape this world temporarily.
3.My friend. One of my best friends is currently struggling, shes very important to me and I feel that my death would hurt her a lot. If I can somehow get better and get a job, I want to ask her to get an apartment with me since we get along very well and both have had difficulty staying with our families and with roommates.
The bad
1.Getting thinner. For a little while I was in recovery for anorexia, but when I started trying to recover my desire to die increased dramatically. I realized that although its a bad way to cope, it will keep me alive longer than I would be without the control of fasting and seeing the number on the scale slowly decrease.
2.Revenge. My suicide plan was made to do the most damage possible to my family, who hurt me terribly and continue to do so. That's still plan B, but plan A for now is to get well enough to function on my own, abandon them forever, and outlive them, which might just hurt them more and would be incredibly empowering for me.
I was debating posting this in recovery, but I don't consider myself in recovery. I don't know how long I'll have the will to keep myself alive, and I know some of my reasons are not sustainable in the long term. I'm curious to hear some reasons why others here are still living, in hopes that they could inspire better reasons for me to do so.
The good
1.I'm waiting to be approved for ECT. Meds haven't worked, and the possibility of getting something done that may help, gives me some hope.
2.I need to beat this game I've been playing. Perhaps that's a bad reason to some people, but its something that brings me joy and allows me to escape this world temporarily.
3.My friend. One of my best friends is currently struggling, shes very important to me and I feel that my death would hurt her a lot. If I can somehow get better and get a job, I want to ask her to get an apartment with me since we get along very well and both have had difficulty staying with our families and with roommates.
The bad
1.Getting thinner. For a little while I was in recovery for anorexia, but when I started trying to recover my desire to die increased dramatically. I realized that although its a bad way to cope, it will keep me alive longer than I would be without the control of fasting and seeing the number on the scale slowly decrease.
2.Revenge. My suicide plan was made to do the most damage possible to my family, who hurt me terribly and continue to do so. That's still plan B, but plan A for now is to get well enough to function on my own, abandon them forever, and outlive them, which might just hurt them more and would be incredibly empowering for me.
I was debating posting this in recovery, but I don't consider myself in recovery. I don't know how long I'll have the will to keep myself alive, and I know some of my reasons are not sustainable in the long term. I'm curious to hear some reasons why others here are still living, in hopes that they could inspire better reasons for me to do so.
