I don't know if this is the right place for this, probably no, probably the wrong forum really but I have nowhere else to say it.
It;s my mum's birthday today, this year will be the 10th anniversary of her death. I wanted to have ctb before today but obviously I haven't. It's just another day but it's not. It's my mum's day. I don't really have the right to be as upset as I am. She's been dead nearly 10 years but she's been out of my life for much longer, we were never particularly close. But I loved her, even when she wasn't talking to me I loved her from afar. I used to live near the beach and she lived abroad and I would go to the beach and look out to sea and think maybe she's at the beach looking out to sea thinking about me too.
My dad told me that I ruined her life. The guilt has never left me. I have further guilt because I don't know if I actually miss her or just the idea of her - a mum, someone who loves you no matter what, who is there for you even at 3am when you're scared and feeling alone, someone who has always got your back. I always wanted that, I still want that.
I;m all alone with this guilt and overwhelming sadness and needed to share it with the world somehow, sorry if it's inappropriate
It;s my mum's birthday today, this year will be the 10th anniversary of her death. I wanted to have ctb before today but obviously I haven't. It's just another day but it's not. It's my mum's day. I don't really have the right to be as upset as I am. She's been dead nearly 10 years but she's been out of my life for much longer, we were never particularly close. But I loved her, even when she wasn't talking to me I loved her from afar. I used to live near the beach and she lived abroad and I would go to the beach and look out to sea and think maybe she's at the beach looking out to sea thinking about me too.
My dad told me that I ruined her life. The guilt has never left me. I have further guilt because I don't know if I actually miss her or just the idea of her - a mum, someone who loves you no matter what, who is there for you even at 3am when you're scared and feeling alone, someone who has always got your back. I always wanted that, I still want that.
I;m all alone with this guilt and overwhelming sadness and needed to share it with the world somehow, sorry if it's inappropriate
