Venting reached the point where its not worth it anymore

[mob]

I've been planning to CTB next year in december, but I always told myself that if it became too much to bear until then, I would just do it. I think I might have reached that point now. I won't impulsively do anything though, but I can feel it's close.

I havent been to work in two months because my depression has become so bad I pretty much can't do anything anymore. I mean, I'm always feeling depressed anyway but it's unbearable at this point. I've tried 5 different meds, tried seeing a psychologist but it just keeps going downhill. I can't sleep and have times where I don't sleep for 3 days straight until my body becomes too exhausted. Due to the fact that I barely sleep and my mental health is at it's worst, I keep getting sick physically. I've had 3 different infections in the past 2 months, one of them even lasted two whole months and didn't go away until recently. There isn't a day where I'm not in pain, be it physical or mental.
My job hasn't paid me, obviously and my health insurance didn't either. I'm broke. I'm paying everything with my credit card at the moment and I'm also getting evicted (unrelated reasons, landlord is selling the apartment and kicking me out [which isn't even legal]) and need to be out in September. I'll be fired from my job in December. I'm in debt I can't pay off.
I can't do anything anymore at all.
I'm just waiting for the next bad thing to happen to me at this point, because it just keeps getting worse.

 

[claracatchingthebus]

I've been planning to CTB next year in december, but I always told myself that if it became too much to bear until then, I would just do it. I think I might have reached that point now. I won't impulsively do anything though, but I can feel it's close.

I havent been to work in two months because my depression has become so bad I pretty much can't do anything anymore. I mean, I'm always feeling depressed anyway but it's unbearable at this point. I've tried 5 different meds, tried seeing a psychologist but it just keeps going downhill. I can't sleep and have times where I don't sleep for 3 days straight until my body becomes too exhausted. Due to the fact that I barely sleep and my mental health is at it's worst, I keep getting sick physically. I've had 3 different infections in the past 2 months, one of them even lasted two whole months and didn't go away until recently. There isn't a day where I'm not in pain, be it physical or mental.
My job hasn't paid me, obviously and my health insurance didn't either. I'm broke. I'm paying everything with my credit card at the moment and I'm also getting evicted (unrelated reasons, landlord is selling the apartment and kicking me out [which isn't even legal]) and need to be out in September. I'll be fired from my job in December. I'm in debt I can't pay off.
I can't do anything anymore at all.
I'm just waiting for the next bad thing to happen to me at this point, because it just keeps getting worse.

i'm so sorry for your situation

i was in a similar situation a while back

i went back to work in part to find a cheaper place that i was less likely to get evicted from, going to work temporarily, then i stopped that job and considered going on public benefits

once you find a much, much cheaper place, you can always default on your credit cards if needed

survival instinct is really something difficult to overcome even when very suicidal. many people have gotten into worse situations, including me, because they thought they would be able to overcome survival instinct, but then wish push came to shove they couldn't get over that instict

try to keep planning for the possibility of living, even if you think you might end up dying

regarding sleep, they have indoor tents that block out all light, and medications like seroquel could knock out an elephant. be careful with seroquel because, like all psych meds, once you take it the medical establishment will want you on it forever. it's also addicting and will be hard to get off of later, but you perhaps should try that or just some sleep medication to get sleep. detox form coffee if you use it.

make a list of goals for the day. finding a cheap place to live should be the priority. do what you need to do so that you can find a cheaper place, unless you have family or friends you can stay with for months

i am sorry you feel this way. depression and financial stress are a horrible combo

 

[kunikuzushi]

I'm sorry you're going through so much. I understand what you mean about being in pain every day and not being able to do anything because you've reached a certain point. I'm really sorry and I hope you can find peace soon in whatever you choose to do.

 

[mob]

i'm so sorry for your situation

i was in a similar situation a while back

i went back to work in part to find a cheaper place that i was less likely to get evicted from, going to work temporarily, then i stopped that job and considered going on public benefits

once you find a much, much cheaper place, you can always default on your credit cards if needed

survival instinct is really something difficult to overcome even when very suicidal. many people have gotten into worse situations, including me, because they thought they would be able to overcome survival instinct, but then wish push came to shove they couldn't get over that instict

try to keep planning for the possibility of living, even if you think you might end up dying

regarding sleep, they have indoor tents that block out all light, and medications like seroquel could knock out an elephant. be careful with seroquel because, like all psych meds, once you take it the medical establishment will want you on it forever. it's also addicting and will be hard to get off of later, but you perhaps should try that or just some sleep medication to get sleep. detox form coffee if you use it.

make a list of goals for the day. finding a cheap place to live should be the priority. do what you need to do so that you can find a cheaper place, unless you have family or friends you can stay with for months

i am sorry you feel this way. depression and financial stress are a horrible combo

Thank you, I really appreciate your words.
I already live in a very cheap apartment, because my landlord is my friend's grandmother and she gave me a special price. I won't find anything this cheap and also have two cats which makes it all more stressful. If I could just go to work like a normal person I wouldn't be having these problems \:
I've been smoking weed to help
me sleep when it's really bad since my psychiatrist doesn't have any open appointments right now. I'm hoping I'll get some sleeping meds soon though because I really miss sleeping 8 full hours a day.
But I don't think it's going to get better. I've had a time in my life where I had everything I wanted and I still felt these ugly feelings gnaw at me each and every day. I guess that's just the way I am.
I'll take your advice to heart in case my survival instincts do throw me off, which is very likely. Thank you