Bitterman1996
Student
- May 20, 2020
- 171
Just walking down memory lane for a bit. This is a jumbled mess of running thought I had today. rare feeling of suicidal ideation hits back again.
I'm feeling melancholic and tad bit suicidal (again, I have tried to commit before and some time last 2 years I was trying really hard to live properly again).
I wont do self harm (physical) anymore so submerging myself in these suicidal feeling is enough for now. It's too embarrassing to share these thoughts on my socials or when I am interacting with people online over vc.
Now I'm an adult (technically anyway, have not enough money, nor friends, nor lover. I fear the day my parents die, that's also time when my sanity just be gone entirely). Anyway I was actively interacting with people online via voice chat nowadays, almost on the daily to save my own sanity of working from home, doing art shit or mundane online job with shitty pay in fucking 3rd world country. While sure it might not entirely sincere, or honest, I DO appreciate how much of the art community in general wants to make me stay being alive. At the same time, I kind of lamented the lack of these positive social interactions when I was growing up.. I feel like I'm always the naive, mindless daydreamer, I skipped grades and suddenly I was 14-15 yo when I entered med school. It was a disaster to say the least, I cried feeling empty when I left high school. Not because I miss the memory, but because I really don't think about my own future.
I think especially the disconnect when people see the kind of 'potential' I supposedly have and my own point of view of schoolings and socializing. I'm glad I am a bit more well-adjusted now, but it stings that deep down I do feel different. And I despise the country, and the world we live in, full of evil and injustice. it's hard to ignore especially when the bar is so low, when there's a lot of people living below poverty line and you are the "priveleged" middle class. not that it meant much in grand scale of things, we aren't part of the top 2% that shits money from their ass
in any case, I have always felt im the black sheep of the family. I was unplanned last child. Everyone was busy when I grow up, I don't have much socialization. I was weird (that's true even now). I might have ADHD or autism (seeing people right in the eye is hard, but because I'm a woman being quiet doesn't mean much I guess). A lot of things made me sad, I am a failure by the modern standard, I failed schooling (uni), barely have any job history, I'm not hot or social enough to be a "housewife" role. I kind of dislike it when people put it as "oh everyone goes through that phase", i don't think it's normal?? being suicidal because of academic pressure isnt normal?? I guess if they have enough support system, it's doable??? Anyway, I tried a lot of "online jobs" and pointless gigs that paid pennies. It's been going better AT A SNAIL's PACE, that is.
"it could have been worse"
YES, IT COULD HAVE. but sometimes i wish i never bothered trying, i knew something was wrong when i feel ever more depressed about graduating high school at the time. Having to gradually commit to being alive again from years of chronic depression is hard. It's good that I don't have any substance addiction to overcomplicate the matters, was one of the thing my dad said. I feel like they either had too much or no expectation of me, it's like it would have been enough if my sibling is the only child. They would have had a perfect family. And I was apparently a "wall" or "test" send by god to my parents of some shit, to make the matters worse they tried to exorcise me when i was really depressed. I thought, "if i kill myself, they will probably blame the devil or some shit"
Anyway, now that I'm mentally a bit more stable and older, and have wasted years down the drain from the mental illness, finding out I DO actually enjoy conversing with people is surprising. I like most people I encounter honestly, but I feel like it's a weird feeling of not being able to address "oh I was depressed for 5-8 years actually" like regular people have so much connections and experiences that it is suffocating sometimes. It feels weird when they have regular jobs and relationships (dating or whatnot) and I'm the shut in trying to blend in and get some social interactions to keep my sanity... I hope for a long lasting friendship at least still, but I know people prioritize their family and lover on top of everything else. I feel sad that those kind of connection and relationship aren't possible for me due to my nature of being a loner and a weirdo. I don't want to compromise on my personal value either, and looking for such values in a man might be difficult (cant date women here, being gay is death sentence).
I guess I'll keep on, trying to live, regardless. I just hope I got paid enough to survive, and maybe able to thrive. here's to more years feeling like I'm running on empty.
I'm feeling melancholic and tad bit suicidal (again, I have tried to commit before and some time last 2 years I was trying really hard to live properly again).
I wont do self harm (physical) anymore so submerging myself in these suicidal feeling is enough for now. It's too embarrassing to share these thoughts on my socials or when I am interacting with people online over vc.
Now I'm an adult (technically anyway, have not enough money, nor friends, nor lover. I fear the day my parents die, that's also time when my sanity just be gone entirely). Anyway I was actively interacting with people online via voice chat nowadays, almost on the daily to save my own sanity of working from home, doing art shit or mundane online job with shitty pay in fucking 3rd world country. While sure it might not entirely sincere, or honest, I DO appreciate how much of the art community in general wants to make me stay being alive. At the same time, I kind of lamented the lack of these positive social interactions when I was growing up.. I feel like I'm always the naive, mindless daydreamer, I skipped grades and suddenly I was 14-15 yo when I entered med school. It was a disaster to say the least, I cried feeling empty when I left high school. Not because I miss the memory, but because I really don't think about my own future.
I think especially the disconnect when people see the kind of 'potential' I supposedly have and my own point of view of schoolings and socializing. I'm glad I am a bit more well-adjusted now, but it stings that deep down I do feel different. And I despise the country, and the world we live in, full of evil and injustice. it's hard to ignore especially when the bar is so low, when there's a lot of people living below poverty line and you are the "priveleged" middle class. not that it meant much in grand scale of things, we aren't part of the top 2% that shits money from their ass
in any case, I have always felt im the black sheep of the family. I was unplanned last child. Everyone was busy when I grow up, I don't have much socialization. I was weird (that's true even now). I might have ADHD or autism (seeing people right in the eye is hard, but because I'm a woman being quiet doesn't mean much I guess). A lot of things made me sad, I am a failure by the modern standard, I failed schooling (uni), barely have any job history, I'm not hot or social enough to be a "housewife" role. I kind of dislike it when people put it as "oh everyone goes through that phase", i don't think it's normal?? being suicidal because of academic pressure isnt normal?? I guess if they have enough support system, it's doable??? Anyway, I tried a lot of "online jobs" and pointless gigs that paid pennies. It's been going better AT A SNAIL's PACE, that is.
"it could have been worse"
YES, IT COULD HAVE. but sometimes i wish i never bothered trying, i knew something was wrong when i feel ever more depressed about graduating high school at the time. Having to gradually commit to being alive again from years of chronic depression is hard. It's good that I don't have any substance addiction to overcomplicate the matters, was one of the thing my dad said. I feel like they either had too much or no expectation of me, it's like it would have been enough if my sibling is the only child. They would have had a perfect family. And I was apparently a "wall" or "test" send by god to my parents of some shit, to make the matters worse they tried to exorcise me when i was really depressed. I thought, "if i kill myself, they will probably blame the devil or some shit"
Anyway, now that I'm mentally a bit more stable and older, and have wasted years down the drain from the mental illness, finding out I DO actually enjoy conversing with people is surprising. I like most people I encounter honestly, but I feel like it's a weird feeling of not being able to address "oh I was depressed for 5-8 years actually" like regular people have so much connections and experiences that it is suffocating sometimes. It feels weird when they have regular jobs and relationships (dating or whatnot) and I'm the shut in trying to blend in and get some social interactions to keep my sanity... I hope for a long lasting friendship at least still, but I know people prioritize their family and lover on top of everything else. I feel sad that those kind of connection and relationship aren't possible for me due to my nature of being a loner and a weirdo. I don't want to compromise on my personal value either, and looking for such values in a man might be difficult (cant date women here, being gay is death sentence).
I guess I'll keep on, trying to live, regardless. I just hope I got paid enough to survive, and maybe able to thrive. here's to more years feeling like I'm running on empty.
