I admittedly don't know why I'm posting this here, or if it's even a good idea. I'm just feeling a mixture of emotions and I don't know how to deal with them. I don't know if grieving would be the right word for it, but I'm hurting. Mentally and physically. I feel like I'm insane and have been for a while, and that I'm a danger to people. Not in the sense that I'd go out and intentionally harm others, but I'm so emotionally unstable that I'm a huge burden to even try talking to and always hurt everyone involved in my life in some way. I just don't deserve to have the close connections I have.
I have so many things wrong with me. I know that there's more going on than just depression and anxiety, but I struggle to find anyone who will actually take me seriously. I recently talked with my doctor about potentially having BPD, as I've been suspecting that for years. However, she quickly dismissed the possibility by just stating that I was "being too hard on myself." I wouldn't be suggesting the idea if I didn't truly believe in it; I'm just trying to find closure. The least you could do is consider it and ask more questions about what symptoms I'm struggling with before just completely shoving aside my thoughts as impossible.
Every day is so hard to get through, and I don't know how much more of this I can take. I feel immense guilt for even considering the idea of dying by my own hands, as my grandmother needs me and my friends would be crushed. But I'm just not strong enough to deal with this for however long the world wants me to be here. I'm going to try to hang on until my grandmother dies at the very least, but after that, I can't stay here. I just can't. Everything hurts so much. I'm tired of being in constant physical agony. I'm tired of spending all of my time trying to distract myself from it when I know I truly can't. I'm tired of having to accept the fact that I'll never be able to travel or make any significant change to my life to even try to be happy. I'm tired of regularly crying from my situation and not having a reliable way out. I'm tired of living. I want to end this life so I can go back to where I belong. I want to go home.
I have so many things wrong with me. I know that there's more going on than just depression and anxiety, but I struggle to find anyone who will actually take me seriously. I recently talked with my doctor about potentially having BPD, as I've been suspecting that for years. However, she quickly dismissed the possibility by just stating that I was "being too hard on myself." I wouldn't be suggesting the idea if I didn't truly believe in it; I'm just trying to find closure. The least you could do is consider it and ask more questions about what symptoms I'm struggling with before just completely shoving aside my thoughts as impossible.
Every day is so hard to get through, and I don't know how much more of this I can take. I feel immense guilt for even considering the idea of dying by my own hands, as my grandmother needs me and my friends would be crushed. But I'm just not strong enough to deal with this for however long the world wants me to be here. I'm going to try to hang on until my grandmother dies at the very least, but after that, I can't stay here. I just can't. Everything hurts so much. I'm tired of being in constant physical agony. I'm tired of spending all of my time trying to distract myself from it when I know I truly can't. I'm tired of having to accept the fact that I'll never be able to travel or make any significant change to my life to even try to be happy. I'm tired of regularly crying from my situation and not having a reliable way out. I'm tired of living. I want to end this life so I can go back to where I belong. I want to go home.
