Holy fuck! I don't even know what to say... you've been through a lot! Thank you so much for doing this Q&A - I feel like it's super valuable to have such lived experience be documented somewhere for posterity afterwards.
Few things.
Q. What are your feelings towards suicide now, as a repeat survivor? When you think about committing, what memory/feeling comes to mind?
Q. What led you to your first, and subsequent attempts? After each failed attempt, what were your feelings towards the situation, and/or even yourself?
Q. How do you live, currently? What's your routine? What "keeps you going" until the day comes?
Q. Did you have any family/friends react to it all?
Q. Any long-term consequences from this? Physical, mental, social...
Q. Are you on any suicide watchlists? Blacklisted from buying anything? Supervision? Etc
(Especially if you don't live alone, parents or otherwise.)
Q. During your last few attempts, did it feel like playing out a scene you'd recited before? Or do the nerves never go away?
Q1.Suicide is taking your story and ending it on your own terms ... I have a lot of trauma dealing with certain aspects to different methods now.
Q2. Usually it's all in the moment type decisions but I know now that it was me spiraling because of my bpd. I do a lot more research and testing now that I understand that suicide shouldn't be a impulsive decision.
Q3.I sleep a lot .. the last few weeks I've been caving to substances just as dph,weed, oxycodone and alcohol. I played a game I've wanted to play all the way through ... I've been slowly worked on ending relationships with people so it's not as difficult on them.
Q3. They do but ... they forget or ignore the signs even when I myself point them out.
I'm basically a lost cause for them now.
Q4. I have brain damage which is a long list of things , memory issues, issues with my thumbs because of my cutting and I have breathing problems. I feel like im constantly on fire ... emotionally..and socially I've become a outcast to everyone who cared about me.
Q5. I became a frequent flyer at my nearby hospital for ods , poisonings and cutting. I've had random welfare checks ... it's annoying. But I live alone and ... that's honestly been a mistake for them lol.
Q6. I learned to get myself sad and then I don't think ... I let the actions play and mute my mind.
Have you tried fsh? If so what went wrong?
I've never tried fsh , that's what I plan to try this time ... I have a fear of heights and fsh has been something I've been afraid of up until now.
Do you mind me asking what methods you tried?
I know each individual is different but how did you 'mentally' retry after a failed attempt. I backed out from an attempt at the last minute, I couldn't have predicted the utter fear that come over me. Ever since ive been totally stuck...paralysed almost. I dont want a failed attempt only a success (dont we all) but im quite wounded by not even able to complete an attempt.
I've actually jumped but it wasn't far enough to actually kill me , drowning, electrocution ,cutting, multiples od, sn, kn, other poisons, night night, partial hanging,CO,bleach, that's all I can think of at the top of my head.
I do research... a lot of research. Watching suicide videos and messaging people who understand methods better than me. I try to go numb emotionally when I do it ... I don't think.. I do.
