Story Psych Ward experience made me realise that I'm truly fucked and I'm more desperate to kill myself now more than ever

[forever21soon]

Long story short I had an impulse suicide attempt overdosing on Ritalin and a lot of alcohol. I knew it was 50/50, 50% chance of it killing me and 50% it wouldn't, but the main reason I did it was actually to purposefully put myself in there to find people with connections to harder drugs as a pathetic last ditch attempt because I'm a hikikomori with extremely high inhibition who was been cut off from the outside world for years now, telegram is an option but it's sketchy as hell another option would be finding something off the deep web through TOR but I've already had a run in with my countries border security so that's also something I'd rather avoid as last option. My ideal way of dying is via heroin overdose.

I went into the psych ward and holy fucking shit everyone there was a total normie. Like actual vacant soulless people with no personality or interests other than the most bland surface level shit. Not to mention nearly all if not most of these people were functioning members of society with a job, friends and relationships, once again even in a fucking psych ward I was a complete and total alien. And I'm realising how truly behind on everything I am, that I will never catch up no matter what or how hard I try. I wanted to change my life and experience it before death and now it's really sinking in for me that that's never going to happen. I got discharged and now I'm back in the same mental state I was if not worse, no ambitions, complete avoidance and self isolation, not talking to anyone, just holed up in my room as I have been for years. I ended up getting two normies numbers from the ward who seemed they had connections because I'm really good at masking but it's fucking PAINFUL texting them trying to pretend to be these peoples friends when I only want one thing that I doubt I'm even going to get because I think one of them was a pathological liar who bullshitted having connections. I don't know I guess the I thought the psych ward would change something, that I hit rock bottom it would be a turnaround for me but absolutely nothing has changed. I've been like this almost 7 years now and it really will never go away. I wanted to wait until 21 to actually kill myself I thought by then I would've been able to change and experience life before I died and now I realise that's never going to happen. So I'm actually going to put the effort in now to find a way to actually kill myself.

I'm thinking of hanging or jumping off a building if I can't get ahold of SN or some heroin off the dark net, which I imagine will be hard to do so because my country (Australia) is a fucking nightmare to deal with trying to import something

 

[l1ablemistakes]

Oh hey, youre Australian too. I've never looked into SN (I'm a hanging gal) but your post made me really glad I didn't get admitted. It's been suggested several times and hasn't ever worked out. I guess I'm what youd consider a normie, I'm high functioning, have a job, etc, but on the inside I feel the same and lately I've been skipping work to just lay in bed then get so drunk I can't think anymore.

Dm me with your city, I don't have connections to heroin but if you're local I do have a dealer with basically everything else who may be able to help?

 

[forever21soon]

Oh hey, youre Australian too. I've never looked into SN (I'm a hanging gal) but your post made me really glad I didn't get admitted. It's been suggested several times and hasn't ever worked out. I guess I'm what youd consider a normie, I'm high functioning, have a job, etc, but on the inside I feel the same and lately I've been skipping work to just lay in bed then get so drunk I can't think anymore.

Dm me with your city, I don't have connections to heroin but if you're local I do have a dealer with basically everything else who may be able to help?

Yeah definitely don't I actively got so much worse in there not to mention they really should have separate wards for people 18-25, here the youth ward is 16-24 I was one of the only adults amongst three others and surrounded by teenagers which actually made me feel even worse because my wasted youth is one of the biggest triggers for my suicidality. I doubt I'm local every other Aussie I've met online lives in the East Coast and I'm unfortunately in WA

 

[l1ablemistakes]

Yeah definitely don't I actively got so much worse in there not to mention they really should have separate wards for people 18-25, here the youth ward is 16-24 I was one of the only adults amongst three others and surrounded by teenagers which actually made me feel even worse because my wasted youth is one of the biggest triggers for my suicidality. I doubt I'm local every other Aussie I've met online lives in the East Coast and I'm unfortunately in WA

Ah yup, I'm east coast too sorry :(

I would've been in the youth ward too. Sounds horrible. The only experiences I've had at hospitals have either been neutral or bad, but that's in an emergency setting. My psych wanted to admit me on Saturday but they didn't even offer when I went to emergency. Even when I said I'd been hanging myself to practice.

Feel free to ignore but I have a couple nosy questions. Was it public or private? I once got rejected from a private ward for being too high risk lol. And did you go in voluntarily? I know I'll never be admitted because outside of the 12h hold, I will simply refuse.

 

[forever21soon]

Ah yup, I'm east coast too sorry :(

I would've been in the youth ward too. Sounds horrible. The only experiences I've had at hospitals have either been neutral or bad, but that's in an emergency setting. My psych wanted to admit me on Saturday but they didn't even offer when I went to emergency. Even when I said I'd been hanging myself to practice.

Feel free to ignore but I have a couple nosy questions. Was it public or private? I once got rejected from a private ward for being too high risk lol. And did you go in voluntarily? I know I'll never be admitted because outside of the 12h hold, I will simply refuse.

Public, and as for voluntary or involuntary the nurses and doctors were extremely unclear about that. I was wheeled in after being passed out on a drip for two days, at the beginning two nurses said I was involuntary. Then I found out it was actually voluntary, extremely fucking confusing. So after believing I was involuntary after actually being voluntary the entire time I did end up ACTUALLY becoming involuntary after a certain incident where the doctors put me under the mental health act. It's super confusing but I think you can only be involuntary if you're put under the Mental Health Act

 

[l1ablemistakes]

Public, and as for voluntary or involuntary the nurses and doctors were extremely unclear about that. I was wheeled in after being passed out on a drip for two days, at the beginning two nurses said I was involuntary. Then I found out it was actually voluntary, extremely fucking confusing. So after believing I was involuntary after actually being voluntary the entire time I did end up ACTUALLY becoming involuntary after a certain incident where the doctors put me under the mental health act. It's super confusing but I think you can only be involuntary if you're put under the Mental Health Act

I was really worried about being admitted under that act. Idk what I'd have to even do to worry doctors enough. I overdosed in 2022 and lied and said I wouldn't do it again. Sent home after 7 hours in the ED, and they didn't even test my blood levels for the drug I took, only paracetamol and a pregnancy test lol. Oh also my thyroid levels (I had mine surgically removed and I take replacement meds), which were obviously low because I'd intentionally stopped taking my medication. Now I'm partially suspending myself daily and it's still not serious enough lol. The system is an absolute joke. And I say that as a healthcare worker myself.

 

[forever21soon]

I was really worried about being admitted under that act. Idk what I'd have to even do to worry doctors enough. I overdosed in 2022 and lied and said I wouldn't do it again. Sent home after 7 hours in the ED, and they didn't even test my blood levels for the drug I took, only paracetamol and a pregnancy test lol. Oh also my thyroid levels (I had mine surgically removed and I take replacement meds), which were obviously low because I'd intentionally stopped taking my medication. Now I'm partially suspending myself daily and it's still not serious enough lol. The system is an absolute joke. And I say that as a healthcare worker myself.

Sent home 7 hours after overdosing is insane, in the ward they would let people who seemed extremely unstable out within a week while others they kept in for a month it's bizzarre. Yeah the system here is fucked I've been screwed over by them more times than I can count but what sucks most is how hard this country makes it to commit suicide.

 

[l1ablemistakes]

I think itd be easier for me if I didn't explode all the time and make it obvious what I'm going to do. It's probably easy if you're good at lying. Hence why I chose hanging.

 

[trulyautistic]

Long story short I had an impulse suicide attempt overdosing on Ritalin and a lot of alcohol. I knew it was 50/50, 50% chance of it killing me and 50% it wouldn't, but the main reason I did it was actually to purposefully put myself in there to find people with connections to harder drugs as a pathetic last ditch attempt because I'm a hikikomori with extremely high inhibition who was been cut off from the outside world for years now, telegram is an option but it's sketchy as hell another option would be finding something off the deep web through TOR but I've already had a run in with my countries border security so that's also something I'd rather avoid as last option. My ideal way of dying is via heroin overdose.

I went into the psych ward and holy fucking shit everyone there was a total normie. Like actual vacant soulless people with no personality or interests other than the most bland surface level shit. Not to mention nearly all if not most of these people were functioning members of society with a job, friends and relationships, once again even in a fucking psych ward I was a complete and total alien. And I'm realising how truly behind on everything I am, that I will never catch up no matter what or how hard I try. I wanted to change my life and experience it before death and now it's really sinking in for me that that's never going to happen. I got discharged and now I'm back in the same mental state I was if not worse, no ambitions, complete avoidance and self isolation, not talking to anyone, just holed up in my room as I have been for years. I ended up getting two normies numbers from the ward who seemed they had connections because I'm really good at masking but it's fucking PAINFUL texting them trying to pretend to be these peoples friends when I only want one thing that I doubt I'm even going to get because I think one of them was a pathological liar who bullshitted having connections. I don't know I guess the I thought the psych ward would change something, that I hit rock bottom it would be a turnaround for me but absolutely nothing has changed. I've been like this almost 7 years now and it really will never go away. I wanted to wait until 21 to actually kill myself I thought by then I would've been able to change and experience life before I died and now I realise that's never going to happen. So I'm actually going to put the effort in now to find a way to actually kill myself.

I'm thinking of hanging or jumping off a building if I can't get ahold of SN or some heroin off the dark net, which I imagine will be hard to do so because my country (Australia) is a fucking nightmare to deal with trying to import something

brutal when you go into a psych ward expecting to find people like you but its just filled with normies its over.

 

[forever21soon]

brutal when you go into a psych ward expecting to find people like you but its just filled with normies its over.

beyond over

 

[fleshpuppet]

Didn't know normies could be suicidal lol. That or you're on another level of ND

 

[nitrogenous]

Sent home 7 hours after overdosing is insane, in the ward they would let people who seemed extremely unstable out within a week while others they kept in for a month it's bizzarre. Yeah the system here is fucked I've been screwed over by them more times than I can count but what sucks most is how hard this country makes it to commit suicide.

I'm also in Australia and I got discharged almost straight away (probs 2-4 hours max) after overdosing, so unless I'm dead, they really won't admit me in. I did get involuntary admission on my attempt prior to that, but I think that was because I was at the point where I had to be hooked up to the IV and it was my first presentation to the public system, so they needed to assess my risk. I never knew I was involuntary as well until I got put off it (pretty quickly) and got told that I'm no longer under the act.

As of the people in the hospital with suicide risk, they all know I have the means and plans and even when it was immediate (a couple hours after), no one gave a shit… hence why I said earlier at this point, unless I'm actually dead, no one cares… it's so messed up.

 

[l1ablemistakes]

I'm also in Australia and I got discharged almost straight away (probs 2-4 hours max) after overdosing, so unless I'm dead, they really won't admit me in. I did get involuntary admission on my attempt prior to that, but I think that was because I was at the point where I had to be hooked up to the IV and it was my first presentation to the public system, so they needed to assess my risk. I never knew I was involuntary as well until I got put off it (pretty quickly) and got told that I'm no longer under the act.

As of the people in the hospital with suicide risk, they all know I have the means and plans and even when it was immediate (a couple hours after), no one gave a shit… hence why I said earlier at this point, unless I'm actually dead, no one cares… it's so messed up.

Exactly. There is no harm management or minimisation. It's just dead.

 

[plantlife]

Yeah the gulf between police response and hospital response in this country is genuinely absurd.

I got tasered by the cops trying to jump off a roof. They detained me under the Mental Health Act, handcuffed me, put me in the back of a prisoner van and took me to the hospital. About 6 hours later I was assessed and discharged.

Despite being physically restrained on a bed, the psychiatrist seemed to think I wanted to be there. Kept saying in a condescending tone, "Bad news. We can't let you into the psych ward. We need the beds. Don't hate us ok?" as if I'd asked to be admitted in the first place.
They demanded I take a sedative before discharge, even though I was totally calm. The opposite of agitated. Kinda sucked because I had to get the bus home and I was already exhausted from staying up all night. But I wanted to be discharged, so I agreed, they unstrapped me, and I walked out. Awful experience but a pissweak effort compared to the police.

Australia has very rigid rules that anyone who's vaguely suicidal must go to hospital, and the hospitals have very rigid rules that anyone who's not actively dying must be discharged ASAP. (Unless you have money, of course. The private system will admit you just for feeling sad. A lot of middle-class Aussies treat it as a holiday. If you thought the public system was full of normies you should see private. They laugh and play video games and take selfies with each other to post on insta. If your problems become serious the private system isn't equipped to make you involuntary, so they'll transfer you to the public system where you'll be promptly discharged. It's pretty funny). We're left with this absurd merry-go-round that just wastes everyone's time.

btw good luck finding heroin in Perth. I was an addict here pre-covid and even then it was borderline impossible to find. The tar was unusable and the powder was practically non-existent. Perth's all about meth. You can find pharmaceutical opioids and benzos on the black market but most dealers will get pissy if you ask for anything stronger than Tramadol. I once got accused of being a cop because I asked for Tapentadol, of all things. You're gonna get arrested if you keep looking for H. I mean no offense but you don't seem particularly street-smart, and I swear Perth has more undercover cops than genuine dope dealers.

 

[forever21soon]

Yeah the gulf between police response and hospital response in this country is genuinely absurd.

I got tasered by the cops trying to jump off a roof. They detained me under the Mental Health Act, handcuffed me, put me in the back of a prisoner van and took me to the hospital. About 6 hours later I was assessed and discharged.

Despite being physically restrained on a bed, the psychiatrist seemed to think I wanted to be there. Kept saying in a condescending tone, "Bad news. We can't let you into the psych ward. We need the beds. Don't hate us ok?" as if I'd asked to be admitted in the first place.

They demanded I take a sedative before discharge, even though I was totally calm. The opposite of agitated. Kinda sucked because I had to get the bus home and I was already exhausted from staying up all night. But I wanted to be discharged, so I agreed, they unstrapped me, and I walked out.

Australia has very rigid rules that anyone who's vaguely suicidal must go to hospital, and the hospitals have very rigid rules that anyone who's not actively dying must be discharged ASAP. (Unless you have money, of course. The private system will admit you just for feeling sad. A lot of middle-class Aussies treat it as a holiday. If your problems become serious they aren't equipt to deal with it, so they transfer you to the public system where you'll be promptly discharged, Graylands excepted. It's pretty funny). We're left with this absurd merry-go-round that just wastes everyone's time.

btw good luck finding heroin in Perth. I was an addict there pre-covid and even then it was borderline impossible to find. The tar was unusable and the powder was practically non-existent. Perth's all about meth. You can find pharmaceutical opioids and benzos on the black market but most dealers will get pissy if you ask for anything stronger than Tramadol. I once got accused of being a cop because I asked for Tapentadol, of all things. You're gonna get arrested if you keep looking for H. I mean no offense but you don't seem particularly street-smart, and I swear Perth has more undercover cops than genuine dope dealers.

Funny thing is I actually did try heroin a few times 2019 to early 2020 (through a very sketchy person but thats another story) then got completely cut off and nothing until a few relapses in 2023/ 2024 but my plug got caught and arrested (I'm assuming) since he completely vanished off social media and everything. Yeah Perth sucks for heroin when meth is everywhere, it's like I can't be normal even in the drug aspect of things, where everyone is doing meth I have to be quirky and crave heroin. I know there's more cops than actual dope dealers which fucking sucks and I'm definitely not the most street smart (anymore at least) since becoming a total shut in my brain definitely regressed.

I keep hearing in this thread of people who got discharged so easily in the public system but they practically detained me in there for a month, lying to me, not telling me what the fuck was going on like a prisoner. Funny thing is the first two weeks I actually did feel better I had goals and aspirations for when I got out and I TOLD them that this was the perfect time to discharge me and if they kept me here any longer I'd go downhill real fast and revert to how I was because I KNOW myself and my habits. Obviously they didnt listen and kept me in for three more weeks or so and I went downhill rapidly and ended up worse than I was before

 

[trulyautistic]

beyond over

never began

 

[l1ablemistakes]

Unless you have money, of course. The private system will admit you just for feeling sad

It's a joke. I was denied a bed for being too high risk, because I had intent and plans and means. They told me to go to public ED. I as at public ED on Saturday. Wasn't even offered a bed.