Hello I am new here, greetings to everyone
So I think I can't take life anymore. It's not that I don't want to live, it's just the life I have created for myself that I don't want to live, and it's all my fault.
I can remember glimpses of happiness from around kindergarten age, but I've basically been depressed for the most part of my life. However only recently in the last year, did suicide emerge as an actual alternative.
It's sort of funny. I isolated myself socially due to a range of non-social problems. Health problems, family problems et cetera. Now that I don't really have much of these problems anymore, I want to kill myself because of my social problems. At the age of 29, this is what I just can't take any longer, and I feel that my situation is irreversible. Which is why im now planning to leave everything.
What saddens me the most is that the 2-3 people I have an actual relation with, especially my mom, are the only ones who are going to be affected by this. My mom is alone, and she has no one besides me, and she is not at fault for my situation in any way. I don't have a mental health issue history, and I've always kept my thoughts and problems to myself, so im sure it will be a surprise. In effect, im certain my action will kill her as well, in every way, except maybe technically.
So it actually sort of feels like im committing a murder as well as leaving myself. Which gives me absolutely agony. But I just can't take life anymore.
I would have liked to go either via gun, nembutal or nitrogen. Of course these methods doesn't seem to be available for me. Hanging seems the most palatable of the rest. Either full or partial suspension, im not sure yet. I have a box of xanaxes that would help, and I think I will do it in a rented hotel room.
Sorry for the boring, narcissistic wall of text. I just wanted to write something and express my feelings and my plans for the immediate future in written form.
So I think I can't take life anymore. It's not that I don't want to live, it's just the life I have created for myself that I don't want to live, and it's all my fault.
I can remember glimpses of happiness from around kindergarten age, but I've basically been depressed for the most part of my life. However only recently in the last year, did suicide emerge as an actual alternative.
It's sort of funny. I isolated myself socially due to a range of non-social problems. Health problems, family problems et cetera. Now that I don't really have much of these problems anymore, I want to kill myself because of my social problems. At the age of 29, this is what I just can't take any longer, and I feel that my situation is irreversible. Which is why im now planning to leave everything.
What saddens me the most is that the 2-3 people I have an actual relation with, especially my mom, are the only ones who are going to be affected by this. My mom is alone, and she has no one besides me, and she is not at fault for my situation in any way. I don't have a mental health issue history, and I've always kept my thoughts and problems to myself, so im sure it will be a surprise. In effect, im certain my action will kill her as well, in every way, except maybe technically.
So it actually sort of feels like im committing a murder as well as leaving myself. Which gives me absolutely agony. But I just can't take life anymore.
I would have liked to go either via gun, nembutal or nitrogen. Of course these methods doesn't seem to be available for me. Hanging seems the most palatable of the rest. Either full or partial suspension, im not sure yet. I have a box of xanaxes that would help, and I think I will do it in a rented hotel room.
Sorry for the boring, narcissistic wall of text. I just wanted to write something and express my feelings and my plans for the immediate future in written form.
