nonameno5
got bitten fingernails and a head full of the past
- May 21, 2025
- 16
- im writing this as im actively trying not to cry and relapse again. i just need to make it one more day to beat my milestone since last month. one more day.
- i also looked through all of my moms instagrams posts today which is really so bittersweet to me. i love her so so much and i really dont show it enough anymore. she posted a lot when i was younger and idk its just so strange to read them. i dont remember really anything shes posted, even the recent stuff. i hate not remembering parts of my life. anyway it kinda made me really upset at times. she posted so much but hardly ever any photos of herself, and she'd make captions passively criticizing herself on many of them and thats just so heartbreaking to me. how dare you have the same exact thoughts and feelings about your looks as do i. my mom is so so stunning ive always wished i looked identical to her. shes so beautiful i just wish she knew that. i wish mothers saw themselves as their daughters do. what also upset me is seeing how much she would brag about me and how much i used to brighten her day. shed always post about sweet things i did for her as a child and how id write her little letters and do this and that and how i was so sweet and would make her so happy. and i know too well that im not that girl anymore. she deserves that girl again. i wish i could go back to being 4 years old and making my mom that happy. i wish i was as kind and innocent as i was then. i hope my mom isn't sad when she thinks of me now. i hope she doesn't compare who i am now to who i was. i hope she doesn't think im rude or that i dont love her. i love my mom so so much.
- i wish i knew how to make everyone as happy as possible. i want to give my mom the world. i want to make my gf the happiest shes ever been and keep it that way for the rest of their lives. i wanna make my friends and family happy. i wanna make random strangers i pass by smile. i just want to be that kind of person. but im afraid im incapable of that. i just feel like such a sad person that no matter how much i smile or compliment someone ill always carry a certain infectious sadness towards the people i love. do others see that in me? when theyre around me do they sense some sort of sadness?? god i wish i could see and interact with myself from others point of view. that would be humbling. maybe just what i need.
- i dont know whats happened to me. ive never had a bad thing happen to me in my life. ive been given the world. everything one could ever want. a loving family. friends. a gf. a job. a phone. my own room. food to eat. why do i feel this way? why can nothing i say or do convince me otherwise? i should be the happiest person alive, yet every-time i feel happy in the moment it feels like a front. i dont deserve any of this. maybe i did at some point but not anymore. i wish the people around me would tell me that. i wish theyd stop doing things for me. i wish to be ignored completely. i want to feel like i deserve this sorrow. i want to be given a real reason to be sad. i want to have some sort of reasoning for how i feel. i want to feel less guilty and selfish for feeling this way.
- 3 days is all. i just need to make it to three days. that should be easy shouldnt it. youre soso close. just THREE DAYS!!!
- yesterday, i was with my girlfriend and wearing shortsleeves and of course my dumbass relapsed on my ARM!! in the SUMMER!! so my sleeve kept on adjusting or like you know uncovering my arm, and for a while i had no idea if she noticed it. but i definitely know at least one moment that she did. luckily she didnt say anything. i hope she could tell it was healing. i hope she wasnt thinking of how pathetic the depth was. i hope she wasnt thinking about how weak i am for not going deeper. this is insane. she wouldnt think that. but i do. i do. and a lot of people WOULD. she wouldnt though. but i do. i do. idoidoido.
- i hope my family never finds out about any of this shit. they dont deserve to know about it. they dont deserve any worry or tears it would bring them. im so selfish.
- i hope my girlfriend hasn't noticed ive been eating less again. i still dont have a ed "again". its not coming back. but i hope she doesn't think it is. i wish i didnt tell her about it, i thought itd be fine because i dont struggle with it anymore but i never thought of normal things i do that could lead her to think otherwise. i promise im eating. too much probably. it just so happens that i dont for some reason when im around her.
- i think ill stop yapping for now. its all stupid i dont need to talk any longer. if youre reading this that scares me (but obviously i posted it online lol so i know people can see this) but i hope you were able to relate to anything. i hope maybe something i said makes you feel less alone. please feel free to vent/rant in the comments, i promise ill read all of it!!!
- i also looked through all of my moms instagrams posts today which is really so bittersweet to me. i love her so so much and i really dont show it enough anymore. she posted a lot when i was younger and idk its just so strange to read them. i dont remember really anything shes posted, even the recent stuff. i hate not remembering parts of my life. anyway it kinda made me really upset at times. she posted so much but hardly ever any photos of herself, and she'd make captions passively criticizing herself on many of them and thats just so heartbreaking to me. how dare you have the same exact thoughts and feelings about your looks as do i. my mom is so so stunning ive always wished i looked identical to her. shes so beautiful i just wish she knew that. i wish mothers saw themselves as their daughters do. what also upset me is seeing how much she would brag about me and how much i used to brighten her day. shed always post about sweet things i did for her as a child and how id write her little letters and do this and that and how i was so sweet and would make her so happy. and i know too well that im not that girl anymore. she deserves that girl again. i wish i could go back to being 4 years old and making my mom that happy. i wish i was as kind and innocent as i was then. i hope my mom isn't sad when she thinks of me now. i hope she doesn't compare who i am now to who i was. i hope she doesn't think im rude or that i dont love her. i love my mom so so much.
- i wish i knew how to make everyone as happy as possible. i want to give my mom the world. i want to make my gf the happiest shes ever been and keep it that way for the rest of their lives. i wanna make my friends and family happy. i wanna make random strangers i pass by smile. i just want to be that kind of person. but im afraid im incapable of that. i just feel like such a sad person that no matter how much i smile or compliment someone ill always carry a certain infectious sadness towards the people i love. do others see that in me? when theyre around me do they sense some sort of sadness?? god i wish i could see and interact with myself from others point of view. that would be humbling. maybe just what i need.
- i dont know whats happened to me. ive never had a bad thing happen to me in my life. ive been given the world. everything one could ever want. a loving family. friends. a gf. a job. a phone. my own room. food to eat. why do i feel this way? why can nothing i say or do convince me otherwise? i should be the happiest person alive, yet every-time i feel happy in the moment it feels like a front. i dont deserve any of this. maybe i did at some point but not anymore. i wish the people around me would tell me that. i wish theyd stop doing things for me. i wish to be ignored completely. i want to feel like i deserve this sorrow. i want to be given a real reason to be sad. i want to have some sort of reasoning for how i feel. i want to feel less guilty and selfish for feeling this way.
- 3 days is all. i just need to make it to three days. that should be easy shouldnt it. youre soso close. just THREE DAYS!!!
- yesterday, i was with my girlfriend and wearing shortsleeves and of course my dumbass relapsed on my ARM!! in the SUMMER!! so my sleeve kept on adjusting or like you know uncovering my arm, and for a while i had no idea if she noticed it. but i definitely know at least one moment that she did. luckily she didnt say anything. i hope she could tell it was healing. i hope she wasnt thinking of how pathetic the depth was. i hope she wasnt thinking about how weak i am for not going deeper. this is insane. she wouldnt think that. but i do. i do. and a lot of people WOULD. she wouldnt though. but i do. i do. idoidoido.
- i hope my family never finds out about any of this shit. they dont deserve to know about it. they dont deserve any worry or tears it would bring them. im so selfish.
- i hope my girlfriend hasn't noticed ive been eating less again. i still dont have a ed "again". its not coming back. but i hope she doesn't think it is. i wish i didnt tell her about it, i thought itd be fine because i dont struggle with it anymore but i never thought of normal things i do that could lead her to think otherwise. i promise im eating. too much probably. it just so happens that i dont for some reason when im around her.
- i think ill stop yapping for now. its all stupid i dont need to talk any longer. if youre reading this that scares me (but obviously i posted it online lol so i know people can see this) but i hope you were able to relate to anything. i hope maybe something i said makes you feel less alone. please feel free to vent/rant in the comments, i promise ill read all of it!!!
