people are draining the fuck out of my soul

[lawlietsph]

every single person i talk to is draining my energy, they are using me and I let them do that because I am a people pleaser.
random men are texting me, acting kind, then start sexual talking on the second day, they jerk off talking to me and from that point, they only talk to me when they need to vent or they need an understanding person who listens to their problems. god forbid i say something about my day or myself, they are out of the conversation immediately.

my family members don't give a shit about me, they only use me too for venting. every single one of them comes up to me and start to pour their problems on me without question. i am quiet, I don't say a single thing about myself and they are happy with this.

there is no escape, I am financially stuck here. nobody gives a damn about what I have to say, every single "friendship" is one sided, I listen i listen i listen i listen i give i give i give i give i give and when I need help, I get 1-2 word replies or not even that

i know people are pure shit, it's not a surprise. i know they are disgusting and selfish creatures. what I don't understand is why I can't be like them, or why can't I kill the need for connection in my soul
i try so hard to destroy this feeling... i try so hard not to get attached, not to crave love, but I can't.

there are no words to say how much i'm suffering internally. i have many problems, financially, emotionally, physically, I am barely holding on but they put their fucking problems on me too. i know these are childhood wounds, I want to be there for everyone because nobody was there for me etc etc etc but I am extremely tired. you know I really enjoy it when i'm planning my suicide and they come up to me and put more weight on my shoulders.
idk i just needed to vent, I am fully aware that I allow them to use me and that most people are disgusting and I should just leave them but I am more terrified of being alone.
the tiredness, oh my god the pure exhaustion i feel is just unbelievable.

i will be 30 soon and this is my life. pathetic. i am drowning and honestly it looks like my life will be over soon

this is just 1% of the shit that is on my mind, this is not the only reason I am suicidal, I just needed to vent about it.

 

[JesiBel]

I hug you tight. I feel something similar to what you're going through.

Family or people you interact with daily only steal your energy and time. You're always there for them, but when you need someone, you're truly alone.

From my perspective, I also feel it's my fault for letting myself be used. But if I don't let myself be used, I don't feel 'important/valuable' at all, and my existence would have even less meaning.

I think others also take advantage of that, since we never say "no", so they abuse that privilege.

It's frustrating. It's incredible that we have more empathy than people who have better lives. They don't carry guilt or regrets or anything like that. They don't mind being selfish and thinking only of themselves.

And no, I don't do things out of obligation, but because there's supposedly something called duty to family/friends. We're supposed to look out for each other. Relationships should be equitable.

 

[Shadows From Hell]