Having pcos is honestly the worst thing to have ever happened to me. No matter what I do, I'll always have to deal with this bullshit. Even if I preformed a miracle and fixed all the other shit in my life, I'll still have to live with all the symptoms of this stupid disorder.
I'm actually pretty young (18) and it feels like it was over before it even started, like I'm genetic waste forced to endure a life I never asked for simply because I'm cursed. Adulthood was supposed to symbolize freedom for me but of course, like everything else, I've been robbed. No matter how hard I work I'll never get to free. I'll never get to be loved, never get to wear the clothing I want, never be able to even leave my house with feeling ashamed. I feel like I'm a fake woman, a beast cosplaying as one. I mean, for now I can somewhat avoid reality by blaming my acne on being a teenager and covering up my body hair but no matter what, I'll know. I'll know I'm an inferior form of human who's a mere imitation of a real woman. That I deserve nothing.
Weirdly, pcos has helped me get over any jealousy or wishes I've had for my life. I've always wondered that if I had just been more loved growing up, if my dad never left, if we had more money, if I had gotten my chance with an education, if things had just been different that maybe I too would have been different, that I would have been better. I guess pcos is proof that there's no point in wishing for that, it would've all been a waste anyway. *I* would've been a waste anyway, so no point fantasizing.
Even though I hate my body to the point I want to die, I have to be grateful for this disorder solely for the fact that I have no choice but to end it all. I won't grow up to be the failure I truly am, I won't be a disappointment. My only regrets are that I wish I could have been truly loved by someone before I die, and that I could've maybe lost my v card lol.
I'm actually pretty young (18) and it feels like it was over before it even started, like I'm genetic waste forced to endure a life I never asked for simply because I'm cursed. Adulthood was supposed to symbolize freedom for me but of course, like everything else, I've been robbed. No matter how hard I work I'll never get to free. I'll never get to be loved, never get to wear the clothing I want, never be able to even leave my house with feeling ashamed. I feel like I'm a fake woman, a beast cosplaying as one. I mean, for now I can somewhat avoid reality by blaming my acne on being a teenager and covering up my body hair but no matter what, I'll know. I'll know I'm an inferior form of human who's a mere imitation of a real woman. That I deserve nothing.
Weirdly, pcos has helped me get over any jealousy or wishes I've had for my life. I've always wondered that if I had just been more loved growing up, if my dad never left, if we had more money, if I had gotten my chance with an education, if things had just been different that maybe I too would have been different, that I would have been better. I guess pcos is proof that there's no point in wishing for that, it would've all been a waste anyway. *I* would've been a waste anyway, so no point fantasizing.
Even though I hate my body to the point I want to die, I have to be grateful for this disorder solely for the fact that I have no choice but to end it all. I won't grow up to be the failure I truly am, I won't be a disappointment. My only regrets are that I wish I could have been truly loved by someone before I die, and that I could've maybe lost my v card lol.
