Venting partially want to ctb so I wont have to deal with dad's death

[apearl]

It's not the main reason I want to ctb, I don't think im cut out for living and right now weighing the goods versus the negatives, the negatives win.

But another reason I want to ctb is because I don't want to see my dad die. He is the best dad I could've ever asked for, and I don't think I could bare him dying. The worst part is that my parents had me when they where older so they are boomer age and both smokers. My dad's health is worse then my mom's. He takes like 10 pills every day and has doctor's appointments every week.

I can't do it. It makes me cringe to even see him in pain. I can't watch him die. I got to go first.

 

[wren-briar]

Depending on a person's conditions, 10 pills a day isn't actually a lot.


How do you think you dad will feel if you CTB?

If you care about him as much as you say you do, is that something you really want to do to him?

If you're going to CTB, and he's as sick as you're implying, why not actually be there for him and then CTB once he's gone?

 

[Surai]

thats the worse thought I could imagine seeing my own dad in such a painful way makes me just want to kill myself sooner. makes me think why did I even bother to stay on hell earth with a hell species. Im sorry you have to experience this

 

[apearl]

How do you think you dad will feel if you CTB?

If you care about him as much as you say you do, is that something you really want to do to him?

If you're going to CTB, and he's as sick as you're implying, why not actually be there for him and then CTB once he's gone?

You sound a lot like my therapist lol

I can see where your coming from though I have thought about that too. I know it's selfish to ctb so and let him mourn me instead of vise-versa but I'm really scared of bad it would be if he died. Also I just don't know if I can hold onto life for other reasons.

Thank you for the comment it's good to have a different perspective.

 

[wren-briar]

You sound a lot like my therapist lol

Don't be doing me dirty like that!

I'm really scared of bad it would be if he died.

If he's having health issues, do you think he's not scared?

just don't know if I can hold onto life for other reasons.

What else has you contemplating CTB?

 

[apearl]

Don't be doing me dirty like that!

Hahaha my bad!

If he's having health issues, do you think he's not scared?

Honestly it doesn't seem like it, he talks to me about death sometimes and he seems like he has come to terms with it. He told me recently that he thinks he only has 5-10 years left (he is not a doctor idk how correct his guesses are) but I'm hoping he has more.

What else has you contemplating CTB?

No other person in specific I live a pretty lonely life, it's just depression

Thank you for the response!

 

[wren-briar]

Honestly it doesn't seem like it, he talks to me about death sometimes and he seems like he has come to terms with it.

Remember that a lot of parents feel the need to protect their kids or just don't want to appear weak to their kids. I suspect he knows about your depression, and he may simple not want to add his own woes to yours.

it's just depression

I'm all too familiar with this particular beast!

Thank you for the response!

Absolutely!
Glad I could help, even if just a wee bit and only for a blink of an eye.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really is so cruel to me how there's all this suffering, I also see myself as not meant for existing. But anyway I wish you the best.