Please forgive me if I am posting this in the wrong section but I really am hoping to reach out to people for advice and help as I have lived with I.B.D. along with other associated illnesses for the vast majority of my life and I am worried that this has not only affected me physically but also psychologically as well.
Essentially, I was first diagnosed with this in 1976 when I was ten years old and since then have undergone multiple bowel and bladder operations, along with very invasive bowel and bladder investigations which were just so intolerable to me and so traumatic that I can only liken them to having been sexually abused many many times over the years. This is particularly true of the ages in-between ten and sixteen when, as a minor, not only did I have absolutely no say in what happened to me, it was actually very rare if things were even explained to me. Due to complications of the disease I have been left with degenerative bone disease (Osteoporosis), particularly of the spine and hip as well as stage three kidney disease.
However, the part what is really troubling me is round about the age of twelve or thirteen years old, I remember watching some sort of historical crime film/tv programme on television and at the end of the film/programme the criminal who was found guilty of the crime (presumably murder) was sentenced to be executed by hanging. I remember that the prison guards, when escorting the prisoner to be executed, rather than being violent with him, were actually very comforting to him with such words being used as "please don't worry, this won't hurt and it will all be over with very quickly" and can only assume that subconsciously those comments struck a chord with me of how doctors and nurses had in fact spoken to me in a very similar manner when being confronted with very frightening/distressing medical investigations i.e. "now this won't be pleasant but it has to be done and it is for your own good but if you comply with us it will all be over with very quickly" and the two thoughts must have become jumbled in my brain and something must have clicked within me because I found myself becoming very aroused at that scene, something which at that point did not happen for me when looking at or talking to people of either sex. Consequently, I am now at a point where talking about or even thinking about suicide, similar to the manner that I have already described i.e. asphyxiation of some sort, sexually excites me. I don't know if these feelings are some sort of PTSD in which my mind is trying to make some sense as to what has happened to me over the years or maybe during the time when I watched that film many years ago some sexual wiring sort of got jumbled up?? I have spoken to professional psychologists about these feelings but unfortunately they did not take me seriously.
People look upon the act of suicide as "ending your life" but I prefer to think of it as "ending your life prematurely". There is no doubting that in turn everyone of us will die so is it really so terrible if a person pre-empts that inevitable process and by doing so eliminate even more years of illness? Coupled with the damage already done to my body from approximately forty\forty five years of continued prescribed steroid use, all of the radiation my body will have absorbed over the years from hundreds if not thousands of x-rays and not least, all the trauma done to my body from multiple operations plus the fact that it appears that in turn inflammatory bowl disease along with bone disease and kidney disease all reduce a person's lifespan by approximately ten years, at 56 years old I have to ask myself, am I really pre-empting death by all that much?
The big question is am I getting the desire of wishing to terminate my life before I suffer even more illness confused with the desire of achieving sexual satisfaction or could it be that I am simply overlooking a gift from God by seeing my potential suicide as a positive joyful experience and as such something to be eagerly anticipated? Can anyone out there please help or advise me?
