Felixim
Member
- Sep 8, 2025
- 5
Every single time anything happens I always think of how I should've pushed myself through my previous attempt that was 3 years ago (SI kicked in.) Or I have flashbacks about it instead and it spirals into full-blown violent thoughts and images. I have been feeling the same about my life - I don't feel desire to build it into something I would want, I don't feel desire/motivation to improve, I have such little to nonexistent empathy for those around me, because of which I tend to socially isolate myself. But what good will this do too, since isolation worsens the overall life quality either way.
I also hate my sensory sensitivities. I've always hated going outside ever young - it's sensory hell. Too bright, I can notice the weather all the time, I hate how it changes outside my control, outside my routine, outside my plans, the colorful ads and signs all over the place are too much for my eyes I can't focus on one consistent thing I always have to dart my eyes left and right but everything has different lettering different message different colors different font different category of product. I hate noticing every little thing about people - their movements, their noises, their body language, what expression are they making, I hate everything about them. I have commuted daily for 3 responsibilities - my previous university, my workplace and now my current university. That's 5 years in total and yet I haven't enjoyed all of this.
The current university matters don't improve things, either. Let's say I was raised by very strict parents that getting B back then would get me scolded. Now that I am burned out undiagnosed unmedicated adult with stunted development and social issues I am making mistakes all the time and I can crystally hear my 12-14 year old kid (who pulled 10 hour study sessions with ease) losing her shit and yelling at me how incompetent I have become inside my mind.
I genuinely believe myself to be immature. Every normal person likes people, friends, social interactions, communities. All of this has been a chore for me. I always have had to do social scripts by myself, I don't get jokes, I don't get people, I hate how they don't say the thing straight up without implying, I feel no compassion or empathy towards anyone who appears to be sad. Living such life is pretty much pointless, I am only sabotaging myself and growing more and more bitter and antagonizing. It's funny I swore to myself I would never become like my mother, now I have the same anger issues as hers and I lash out in the same tone and explosiveness.
As much as harmful isolation is, I love glorifying it. My ideal fantasy life would be living in full solitary life. But, well, you would still need a stable income to support yourself. And, well, I have been chronically suicidal for so long, so my other ideal fantasy scenario is when I finally, actually and successfully off myself.
I also hate my sensory sensitivities. I've always hated going outside ever young - it's sensory hell. Too bright, I can notice the weather all the time, I hate how it changes outside my control, outside my routine, outside my plans, the colorful ads and signs all over the place are too much for my eyes I can't focus on one consistent thing I always have to dart my eyes left and right but everything has different lettering different message different colors different font different category of product. I hate noticing every little thing about people - their movements, their noises, their body language, what expression are they making, I hate everything about them. I have commuted daily for 3 responsibilities - my previous university, my workplace and now my current university. That's 5 years in total and yet I haven't enjoyed all of this.
The current university matters don't improve things, either. Let's say I was raised by very strict parents that getting B back then would get me scolded. Now that I am burned out undiagnosed unmedicated adult with stunted development and social issues I am making mistakes all the time and I can crystally hear my 12-14 year old kid (who pulled 10 hour study sessions with ease) losing her shit and yelling at me how incompetent I have become inside my mind.
I genuinely believe myself to be immature. Every normal person likes people, friends, social interactions, communities. All of this has been a chore for me. I always have had to do social scripts by myself, I don't get jokes, I don't get people, I hate how they don't say the thing straight up without implying, I feel no compassion or empathy towards anyone who appears to be sad. Living such life is pretty much pointless, I am only sabotaging myself and growing more and more bitter and antagonizing. It's funny I swore to myself I would never become like my mother, now I have the same anger issues as hers and I lash out in the same tone and explosiveness.
As much as harmful isolation is, I love glorifying it. My ideal fantasy life would be living in full solitary life. But, well, you would still need a stable income to support yourself. And, well, I have been chronically suicidal for so long, so my other ideal fantasy scenario is when I finally, actually and successfully off myself.
