
TheEmeraldWitch
Member
- Jun 29, 2025
- 6
Hi. It's really hard for me to go into my issues cuz it sounds so pathetic and I don't know what's wrong with me to end up like this. Can't even talk to my bf about this. He knows how severe my executive dysfunction is and that I've tried to ctb before but he's so much more high functioning than I am even tho I can see his difficulties in functioning due to ADHD probably at home too when I'm at his place but it's nowhere near my level of rotting. He's still able to do things, engage, interact, work (he kind of doesn't have a choice to be fair since he's not on disability like me). He tells me to do something, take care of myself, work on writing that I theoretically cared about but I just can't do anything with myself anymore.
It's been spiralling this way for years since my parents kicked me out for being trans in 2018 managing less and less in my life, propped up somewhat by relationships, transition. It started getting really bad in 2022 when I broke off my longest relationship feeling miserable with that ex cuz she kind of neglected me tho maybe it was my fault too for expecting her to give me purpose and meaning. My parents raised me pretty dependent on them, more so my mum, which my dad tried to push back against but in very toxic ways that just made me latch onto my mum even more so when they kicked me out for being trans I guess I tried to recreate that dependency in relationships and it sort of kept me going for a while even pushing thru fairly independently with figuring out transition for me and that ex mostly on my own but that energy I had faded more and more and losing that ex even tho I had to cut it off cuz I was miserable with her really broke me (along with another girl from an attempt at polyamory who stole thousands in savings I poured into her passion of yugioh vending cutting and running) but even still in 2023 I was still able to force my way into a genetics lab summer job with no prior background cuz I was obsessed with being Cosima from Orphan Black but like with every attempt at maintaining any kind of employment I burned out right at the end of that summer unable handle the pressure of the impostor syndrome even tho I apparently was doing alright at the lab.
That year I had an ex that found themselves homeless living with me but they got sent to jail at the start of 2024 and I really crashed out completely then until August 2024 when I was given a bigger apartment by social housing that helped for a little bit not feeling as suffocated both thanks to the bit more space and change of scenery I suppose. I somehow managed to stumble into a bf that at first was very gentle, understanding and supportive encouraging me to recover and function better again but that turned into pressure and ceaseless criticism once it turned out that he had a loveless arranged marriage situation coming up and I wanted to save him from that so it became about speedrunning me becoming an acceptable partner to his family. He grew pretty abusive tho maybe part of it was also my pathological demand avoidance being triggered by all the pressure reminding me of my parents which I somehow functioned relatively well under previously with them but no longer. We pushed each other away and I almost moved to the US in October to be with this guy I ran into on discord and went crazy over, sending my apartment that was set up pretty neat and tidy with the begrudging help (full of abuse and vitriol) of my parents into disarray that remains to this day since I never managed to put the place back together again.
That US thing fell thru and the rest of 2024 was a series of being used by hookups and drowning in meth that quieted my mind and calmed me (seemingly a sign of ADHD) only to make me even more freaked out at being alone in between trying to meet people to hang out with. Then in November I started getting close to another guy that got me into GHB but was otherwise quite sweet if absent-minded until suddenly losing him too triggered by my attempts for us both to get better seeing how debilitated he got on the GHB. I completely crashed out again (at least I stopped GHB and meth ig tho the current bf pulled me back into weed) until accidentally meeting my current bf in March. The boost his presence gave me didn't last and I've gone back to not functioning again. I just can't anymore.
These years have beaten me down to where nothing gives me any hope of energy anymore and I'm no longer able to engage and pursue things I cared most about like progressing on writing the plethora of complex existential anticapitalist stories I was developing as my last ditch effort/hope for something meaningful/substantial/significant to do with myself. I'm basically a vegetable he occasionally manages to drag outside like once a month to my great discomfort. He's actually super kind, gentle, caring but he can't make me function for me and neither can I anymore. I see no way out. I feel so trapped in this devolving meatsack. It's really unfair to him cuz he manages to string himself along still somehow but it feels like I'm too far gone. Can't do anything for myself. Everything is too overwhelming, complicated, annoying, frustrating, unmotivating, empty, meaningless. I don't want to lose this last person I have but I've also been avoiding him. Bullshitted him that I have stomach flu when I was supposed to come over to his pace Wednesday after not managing to get out the door to his place the previous Wednesday. It just feels pointless to go there. I feel just as empty there as here alone at my place just that I guess I can at least hold onto a warm caring body there tho he'd probably want sexual contact as well and I can only put that off for so long and really not in that kind of mood feeling pretty disgusting having really let myself go despite his assurances that I'm beautiful that both make no sense to me given I've never looked worse at my worst weight ever binge eating instead of drugs and even if I could see what he sees it just has no impact on me anymore. I just don't care what nice things anyone has to say. It no longer has any positive or reassuring effect on me. I'm just gone. Fallen and can't get back up. I don't see any way to come back from this rot.
It'd be really great to run into people here I can interact with that feel even slightly similarly and understand this kind of devolution. Maybe even someone local to Ottawa or at least nearby in Ontario. I wish I saw another way forward other than ctb but it all just feels too insurmountable at this point. Would be nice to at least find help/support freeing myself of this anguish of subsistence. Sorry for the wall of text. I guess I managed to talk about a lot of what's been going on these years even tho without too much detail cuz that would go on forever. Didn't know how to start but at least got something out in the end. Hope I can find people to talk to and figure some kind of way forward even if it ends up being ctb I just don't want to do this alone. Sorry for the all over the place rant. Idk what else to say. Hope this makes sense to anyone and we can talk. Hugsss
It's been spiralling this way for years since my parents kicked me out for being trans in 2018 managing less and less in my life, propped up somewhat by relationships, transition. It started getting really bad in 2022 when I broke off my longest relationship feeling miserable with that ex cuz she kind of neglected me tho maybe it was my fault too for expecting her to give me purpose and meaning. My parents raised me pretty dependent on them, more so my mum, which my dad tried to push back against but in very toxic ways that just made me latch onto my mum even more so when they kicked me out for being trans I guess I tried to recreate that dependency in relationships and it sort of kept me going for a while even pushing thru fairly independently with figuring out transition for me and that ex mostly on my own but that energy I had faded more and more and losing that ex even tho I had to cut it off cuz I was miserable with her really broke me (along with another girl from an attempt at polyamory who stole thousands in savings I poured into her passion of yugioh vending cutting and running) but even still in 2023 I was still able to force my way into a genetics lab summer job with no prior background cuz I was obsessed with being Cosima from Orphan Black but like with every attempt at maintaining any kind of employment I burned out right at the end of that summer unable handle the pressure of the impostor syndrome even tho I apparently was doing alright at the lab.
That year I had an ex that found themselves homeless living with me but they got sent to jail at the start of 2024 and I really crashed out completely then until August 2024 when I was given a bigger apartment by social housing that helped for a little bit not feeling as suffocated both thanks to the bit more space and change of scenery I suppose. I somehow managed to stumble into a bf that at first was very gentle, understanding and supportive encouraging me to recover and function better again but that turned into pressure and ceaseless criticism once it turned out that he had a loveless arranged marriage situation coming up and I wanted to save him from that so it became about speedrunning me becoming an acceptable partner to his family. He grew pretty abusive tho maybe part of it was also my pathological demand avoidance being triggered by all the pressure reminding me of my parents which I somehow functioned relatively well under previously with them but no longer. We pushed each other away and I almost moved to the US in October to be with this guy I ran into on discord and went crazy over, sending my apartment that was set up pretty neat and tidy with the begrudging help (full of abuse and vitriol) of my parents into disarray that remains to this day since I never managed to put the place back together again.
That US thing fell thru and the rest of 2024 was a series of being used by hookups and drowning in meth that quieted my mind and calmed me (seemingly a sign of ADHD) only to make me even more freaked out at being alone in between trying to meet people to hang out with. Then in November I started getting close to another guy that got me into GHB but was otherwise quite sweet if absent-minded until suddenly losing him too triggered by my attempts for us both to get better seeing how debilitated he got on the GHB. I completely crashed out again (at least I stopped GHB and meth ig tho the current bf pulled me back into weed) until accidentally meeting my current bf in March. The boost his presence gave me didn't last and I've gone back to not functioning again. I just can't anymore.
These years have beaten me down to where nothing gives me any hope of energy anymore and I'm no longer able to engage and pursue things I cared most about like progressing on writing the plethora of complex existential anticapitalist stories I was developing as my last ditch effort/hope for something meaningful/substantial/significant to do with myself. I'm basically a vegetable he occasionally manages to drag outside like once a month to my great discomfort. He's actually super kind, gentle, caring but he can't make me function for me and neither can I anymore. I see no way out. I feel so trapped in this devolving meatsack. It's really unfair to him cuz he manages to string himself along still somehow but it feels like I'm too far gone. Can't do anything for myself. Everything is too overwhelming, complicated, annoying, frustrating, unmotivating, empty, meaningless. I don't want to lose this last person I have but I've also been avoiding him. Bullshitted him that I have stomach flu when I was supposed to come over to his pace Wednesday after not managing to get out the door to his place the previous Wednesday. It just feels pointless to go there. I feel just as empty there as here alone at my place just that I guess I can at least hold onto a warm caring body there tho he'd probably want sexual contact as well and I can only put that off for so long and really not in that kind of mood feeling pretty disgusting having really let myself go despite his assurances that I'm beautiful that both make no sense to me given I've never looked worse at my worst weight ever binge eating instead of drugs and even if I could see what he sees it just has no impact on me anymore. I just don't care what nice things anyone has to say. It no longer has any positive or reassuring effect on me. I'm just gone. Fallen and can't get back up. I don't see any way to come back from this rot.
It'd be really great to run into people here I can interact with that feel even slightly similarly and understand this kind of devolution. Maybe even someone local to Ottawa or at least nearby in Ontario. I wish I saw another way forward other than ctb but it all just feels too insurmountable at this point. Would be nice to at least find help/support freeing myself of this anguish of subsistence. Sorry for the wall of text. I guess I managed to talk about a lot of what's been going on these years even tho without too much detail cuz that would go on forever. Didn't know how to start but at least got something out in the end. Hope I can find people to talk to and figure some kind of way forward even if it ends up being ctb I just don't want to do this alone. Sorry for the all over the place rant. Idk what else to say. Hope this makes sense to anyone and we can talk. Hugsss