Help ordering SN feels harder than taking it

[offshoreserver]

well, it's time. it's been two years since i discovered my method, and i'm finally ready to go. i don't have a date in mind but i will definitely be dead by august.

i've been fine-tuning my plan in order to maximize my chances at success and to minimize the distress on my fiancé and our roommate. i'm treating my life, privately, like i have around two weeks left to live, and i know this is the right thing to do. it just needs to happen. when i find myself thinking about ordering, though, i feel really nervous about buying my SN.

i thought it was the waiting period making me nervous, since it potentially wouldn't get here for a few weeks, but i just found another listing that claims it could be here as soon as tomorrow. that really shook me. i don't have all my preparations ready, so that's part of it, but i could easily prepare the rest after it arrives. i guess i'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced something like this. i was in a worse situation a little while ago before my time was really "up", and i almost bought my SN then, but i didn't. that's happened a couple times. but i feel differently now, much more calm, and i've had so many signs that it's finally time. i don't know if it's SI (though that's honestly diminished to a shocking degree), but it's confusing. i'm not afraid to die anymore, so i don't really think that's it. if anyone else has had a similar experience i would really like to hear it.

 

[motel rooms]

It's always SI, that bitch has so many disguises

 

[whywhywhy]

I think accepting dying is normal. The hardest part imo is completely disattaching yourself from the consequences of it.

I probably cant ctb knowing it will cause the people around me severe traumas they dont deserve so Ill try to keep living even if its hard as fuck. If all the strings attached I had were suddenly gone Ill probably do it.

 

[motel rooms]

I think accepting dying is normal. The hardest part imo is completely disattaching yourself from the consequences of it.

No, the hardest part is overcoming your SI. Never underestimate the enemy. You'll be wrestling with SI until your very last breath, get ready for it if you're serious about suicide

 

[Pookie]

No, the hardest part is overcoming your SI. Never underestimate the enemy. You'll be wrestling with SI until your very last breath, get ready for it if you're serious about suicide

Depends on the method. I once had a serious suicide attempt but I was so out of it that my SI barely registered. It was also an impulsive act, which may have contributed to the lack of SI. Didn't even call an ambulance, even though I still had a bit of time. I just fell unconscious basically.

 

[whywhywhy]

No, the hardest part is overcoming your SI. Never underestimate the enemy. You'll be wrestling with SI until your very last breath, get ready for it if you're serious about suicide

As the other person said it probably depends on the method, anything that is more elaborate than eating/drinking something is probably harder

 

[motel rooms]

Depends on the method. I once had a serious suicide attempt but I was so out of it that my SI barely registered. It was also an impulsive act, which may have contributed to the lack of SI. Didn't even call an ambulance, even though I still had a bit of time. I just fell unconscious basically.

Wasn't your state of mind/impulsivity the more important factor than the method?

As the other person said it probably depends on the method, anything that is more elaborate than eating/drinking something is probably harder

It makes no difference how elaborate the method is...

 

[whywhywhy]

Wasn't your state of mind/impulsivity the more important factor than the method?

It makes no difference how elaborate the method is...

Of course it does, most people would struggle to find the courage to cut or hang themselves because it is actually pretty hard and requires a lot of setup. Taking SN or something similar is probably easier as you can just gulp it down in one go. Easier even if you get drunk before doing it

 

[checkouttime]

I know how i will get past SI. just opening the bottles of N and knowing i won't be able to get anymore will force me into drinking it lol it will be a big fuck you to SI as there is noway i will let it go to waste!!!

 

[LetsFlyAway]

Of course it does, most people would struggle to find the courage to cut or hang themselves because it is actually pretty hard and requires a lot of setup. Taking SN or something similar is probably easier as you can just gulp it down in one go. Easier even if you get drunk before doing it

Get drunk will make you more nausea?

 

[hahabye]

I know how i will get past SI. just opening the bottles of N and knowing i won't be able to get anymore will force me into drinking it lol it will be a big fuck you to SI as there is noway i will let it go to waste!!!

Can relate! I realised a few months ago that my meto (that was provided to me by a kind forum member, may she rest in peace) was going to expire at the end of this year. I knew at that moment that this was going to be my last year. It's not even N, which is way harder to acquire, but the hassle of finding another source of meto is enough to help me set an exact date.

(sometimes I wonder whether it's the decision to die this year that caused the worst depressive episode I've ever had or is it the other way round.)

 

[motel rooms]

Of course it does, most people would struggle to find the courage to cut or hang themselves because it is actually pretty hard and requires a lot of setup. Taking SN or something similar is probably easier as you can just gulp it down in one go. Easier even if you get drunk before doing it

The amount of struggling with SI has nothing to do with the method because the outcome is the same regardless of the method used, & our brain knows that. I'm talking about the weeks & days before a planned attempt, not just the minutes before it. You can't drink alcohol before taking SN, btw.

 

[checkouttime]

Can relate! I realised a few months ago that my meto (that was provided to me by a kind forum member, may she rest in peace) was going to expire at the end of this year. I knew at that moment that this was going to be my last year. It's not even N, which is way harder to acquire, but the hassle of finding another source of meto is enough to help me set an exact date.

(sometimes I wonder whether it's the decision to die this year is what caused the worst depressive episode I've ever had or is it the other way round.)

I know what you mean, the more i have thought about when to do it, it has coincided with me feeling shitty!!!

All i have to do is undo the bottles of N and i know there's noway back, i know i will do it for sure. I can't afford to get anymore and the thought of having had it and not taking the chance, well i can only think of how bad i would feel then!!!

 

[Pookie]

Wasn't your state of mind/impulsivity the more important factor than the method?

It makes no difference how elaborate the method is...

The method was loads of alcohol and a serious amount of illegal drugs and opioid painkillers. They caused me to fall unconscious very quickly so I didn't have a lot of time to think. AND I was a lightweight. A combination of both method and impulsivity may have been at play that night.