In the past, I've had six suicide attempts. I've not really talked about this much. People can't handle it.
I mostly took large bottles of pills. I woke up every time. I wasn't in my right mind and didn't plan it well. The actual act was more difficult than one might imagine. The feeling of knowing you are about to die, completely alone with no one who cares about you in the world is dark. It's deeply painful. Probably many people on here do have people who care. I don't. Just abusive people that have destroyed my sense of self and will to live so severely I don't want to anymore.
I found this site today because I've been thinking about hanging myself in my parents tree. Honestly, they wouldn't care. They have programmed me to do this and want rid of me. Seems like SN would be more painless. I'm contemplating ordering it.
I'm seriously disabled from dependence on benzodiazepines. I've been off for 11 months and am still living in a nightmare where I can't work and get free of the sociopaths I am dependent on. No matter what I do I end up stuck back here, my mental health is just too destroyed. Couldn't get on disability. Can't handle human interaction. Just don't fit in this world or have anyone who cares. Truly.
Funny thing is that finding this site is making me want to die less. Something about it is so sad. Maybe if I can just survive this hell another year my nervous system will be healed. The will to live seems stronger after coming here for research. Maybe I'm just not at the usual level of psychosis needed to go through with attempting to murder myself. Too much logic is kicking in, and all that self compassion work.
Maybe I'll just order the SN to have as a backup. In case they force me onto the streets again. Can't face that. I already have antiemetics, that double as anti anxiety meds (promethazine) it seems nuts it could get here by Thursday on Amazon prime. Not sure I trust myself because as soon as my menstrual cycle comes I will be deeply suicidally depressed, worse than now....
part of me wants to die and part of me says, what if your life was amazing by next year? How can you know it won't be good and you won't get free? Damn therapy, I guess it's a good thing. Kind of surprised at myself.
Needed to ramble this out in a place where I won't be institutionalized for telling the truth.
I mostly took large bottles of pills. I woke up every time. I wasn't in my right mind and didn't plan it well. The actual act was more difficult than one might imagine. The feeling of knowing you are about to die, completely alone with no one who cares about you in the world is dark. It's deeply painful. Probably many people on here do have people who care. I don't. Just abusive people that have destroyed my sense of self and will to live so severely I don't want to anymore.
I found this site today because I've been thinking about hanging myself in my parents tree. Honestly, they wouldn't care. They have programmed me to do this and want rid of me. Seems like SN would be more painless. I'm contemplating ordering it.
I'm seriously disabled from dependence on benzodiazepines. I've been off for 11 months and am still living in a nightmare where I can't work and get free of the sociopaths I am dependent on. No matter what I do I end up stuck back here, my mental health is just too destroyed. Couldn't get on disability. Can't handle human interaction. Just don't fit in this world or have anyone who cares. Truly.
Funny thing is that finding this site is making me want to die less. Something about it is so sad. Maybe if I can just survive this hell another year my nervous system will be healed. The will to live seems stronger after coming here for research. Maybe I'm just not at the usual level of psychosis needed to go through with attempting to murder myself. Too much logic is kicking in, and all that self compassion work.
Maybe I'll just order the SN to have as a backup. In case they force me onto the streets again. Can't face that. I already have antiemetics, that double as anti anxiety meds (promethazine) it seems nuts it could get here by Thursday on Amazon prime. Not sure I trust myself because as soon as my menstrual cycle comes I will be deeply suicidally depressed, worse than now....
part of me wants to die and part of me says, what if your life was amazing by next year? How can you know it won't be good and you won't get free? Damn therapy, I guess it's a good thing. Kind of surprised at myself.
Needed to ramble this out in a place where I won't be institutionalized for telling the truth.
