Venting on a complete downward spiral but it’s the most free i’ve felt in years

[pixi]

i've always struggled with drinking, but this last week, i blacked out and ended up assaulted by my best friend. my only irl friend. the most i've talked to him was just to hear him tell me what he did. and then, i went out.

spent the night doing cocaine with someone i had only met once before. did lots of other things i've never done but the details aren't important. woke up with a video on twitter of the guy doing a line off of my unclothed body. and normally id feel embarrassed, but i feel great. i had a blast and i actually love looking back on that video.

i'm almost near complete isolation except for the people that continue my path of destruction with me. i've been in and out of the hospital more times than i ever should in my life. i just got out of the hospital this morning even.

people might be mad at me, they might think im selfish and stupid, but i don't care. i'm tearing down basically every wall society has ever put up, probably ones even for good reason. and i feel great. i know where this path leads long term and its not pretty, but i probably won't be here for it anyway.

ill do what i want for as long as i see fit and then at the end i can just leave before shit really hits the fan. the ultimate crashout. and i've never felt more alive than i do right now even when im actively destroying myself

 

[Sunderland]

Reading this is a bit painful, reminds me of what happened to my ex fiance after we split. I'd be a massive hypocrite to brow beat your spiral if I were to say "oh now, pixi, that's not good for you!" because that would be dumb and lame. I completely understand downward spirals and self-destructions, I'm guilty of plenty of moments myself.

I'm not going give advice, but without condoning nor condemning, I understand.