Venting nothing works

[nails]

nothing will go my way and i never get what i want. it doesn't matter how hard i work for something, nothing works out in my favor. if something does end up working out, it just ends up going to shit later on. it's been like this my entire life.

i had many health issues—mental and physical—throughout elementary school. i missed a lot of school because i had doctor's appointments. these missed days racked up and the school threatened legal action against my mom out of fear that they were negligecting me, so my mom was mad at me a lot. i was also very behind in my learning and homework, obviously. all of that ended up worsening my mental health; i had panic attacks almost every morning. this all persisted through the 6th grade and i started to experience some bullying for various reasons. all my elementary school friends went to different middle schools, so i didn't have any friends. there were kids who talked to me when their other friends weren't around. i knew they were using me and i cried over it whenever i got home, but i still happily engaged with them like a pathetic dog. not to mention, i was struggling with my schoolwork because i was still behind in my education; plus, the bullying and loneliness made it hard to focus on anything.
anyways, i recognized my problems and decided to start homeschooling. it was really helpful, my stress decreased significantly; but the program was shit. i literally had to educate myself. from grade 7-12, i found my own learning sources and taught myself every subject. it worked, my grades were really good; but then i kept getting yelled at because i was taking too long to complete my assignments.
the yelling made the experience miserable for me, but i pushed through anyways and graduated with a 3.8 gpa. i was really upset it wasn't a 4.0, but i guess it doesn't matter.

i wouldn't be so bothered by issues i had grade school if these issues didn't repeat themselves. i don't dwell on those issues, i'm just noticing the pattern. nothing that happened then makes me feel upset, i feel upset because that shit is affecting other aspects of my life.

i made friends online, but it ended terribly and i don't really care to elaborate. sometime later, i became really angry. i hated everyone and i was completely isolated. i went months without any interaction. i didn't want to make friends because i was scared it would just end horribly like it did every single time. i remember how on the rare occasions that i did speak to people, usually family, i would end up out of breath and my mouth would be so dry because i went so long without talking. my personality was—and still is—very repulsive. i say that a lot, but it's true. it's part of the reason why i was alone for so long, but i learned to suppress it. i wanted to be alone, i ended up making good friends online and i'm still friends with them all, even though we don't talk as much.

i was really suicidal before graduating high school. i was already planning to ctb, but was convinced by my friend to start university and just hold on for at least one semester. i did, and i enjoyed it. university is really the only thing that brought me any joy. i was somewhat content and even a little hopeful. looking back, i don't think i was truly happy; i was just ignoring my problems.
then, the financial issues came. my family has always struggled financially, but it got worse. the financial stress became overwhelming and i attempted ctb. i obviously failed and ended up hospitalized. i was prescribed meds that actually helped and i was kinda getting better. i felt hopeful, but again, i was just ignoring my problems. every unfixable issue was still there. anyways, the next semester started and our financial situation took a huge blow. the main breadwinner in our family lost her job. i had so much hope for that semester. i had planned on moving closer to my university so i could actually work and leave my toxic home situation, but it all went to shit.
i had to drop out so i could start working, so the only thing that brought me any happiness is gone. my brother is trying to get me a job with the company that he works for, but they aren't even calling me back. it's so hard to get a job because i have nothing to put on my resume.

there's so much more i could say, but i've typed so much and it doesn't really matter.
all my attempts at getting better or even slightly improving my situation just end up making everything worse.
- i start homeschooling so i can actually succeed academically, but now i have an empty resume because i didn't do anything during high school.
- i made friends so i wouldn't be completely isolated, but they all just make me feel worse and more lonely. it's not their fault, i'm just not built for relationships. i've drained a lot of them as well. i wish i could be completely alone, but i'm very extroverted and i just can't go back to having no friends.
- i go to a doctor for the first time since i was a child so i could get help for some of my physical issues, but she messes with my mental health meds without even telling me. i was already planning to ctb before seeing her, but i took such a massive mental blow from her decreasing my meds. i've already posted about it a lot, though.
- i drop out, leaving the one thing that makes me happy so i can actually help my family out, but i still can't get a job.
these are just a few examples.

this is so frustrating, and people have the nerve to act like i'm just giving up without trying. i was constantly trying to get better and everything just got worse. nothing works, no matter how hard i try. why should i keep living through this repetitive cycle that constantly gets worse? yes, i am giving up, who cares? people think they're so much better for choosing to live through a horrible life. you're not stronger than me, you're just fucking delusional. if you can find a reason to live through such a terrible existence, then good for you, but i don't care. i don't want to continue this shit until i'm old, it doesn't make sense.

 

[deadzombie6]

I hear you don't have much advice but I'm sorry you're going through that i hope you find a way out of this

 

[OhWellDerp321]

Hope your situation gets better. But this is what people don't get.

Not everyone wants to keep trying to make things better. Its not a matter if "things can get better".

Some people don't want to try. So why should others have the right to keep telling me "you have to keep trying".
No. I DON'T have to keep trying. If things don't turn out for the better, its not YOU that has to deal with the consequences.
If I end up homeless, are you going to buy a house for me and give me free food?
NO. So why are you telling me "you have to keep trying".

This is why talking to therapists is like talking to a brick wall if you mention suicide. Eventually they have nothing left to say when you bring up this point to them. They will just recommend you go to the hospital.

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

Hope your situation gets better. But this is what people don't get.

Not everyone wants to keep trying to make things better. Its not a matter if "things can get better".

Some people don't want to try. So why should others have the right to keep telling me "you have to keep trying".
No. I DON'T have to keep trying. If things don't turn out for the better, its not YOU that has to deal with the consequences.
If I end up homeless, are you going to buy a house for me and give me free food?
NO. So why are you telling me "you have to keep trying".

This is why talking to therapists is like talking to a brick wall if you mention suicide. Eventually they have nothing left to say when you bring up this point to them. They will just recommend you go to the hospital.

People don't want to believe that suicide is a natural or realistic solution to problems, because then it makes it an option for them. They want to believe it's only relegated to mentally ill individuals who were by definition "not normal". That GGamer guy, the Indian doctor, talked about that. He's real. He said straight up, "Most of the clients I speak to who consider ctb are highly logical about it. They have severe issues that simply cannot be overcome, and suicide is the most logical solution."

Ordinary people can't face that reality, because it's too scary that anyone could do it. And people typically want to save lives. Perpetuate the species.

 

[OhWellDerp321]

People don't want to believe that suicide is a natural or realistic solution to problems, because then it makes it an option for them. They want to believe it's only relegated to mentally ill individuals who were by definition "not normal". That GGamer guy, the Indian doctor, talked about that. He's real. He said straight up, "Most of the clients I speak to who consider ctb are highly logical about it. They have severe issues that simply cannot be overcome, and suicide is the most logical solution."

Ordinary people can't face that reality, because it's too scary that anyone could do it. And people typically want to save lives. Perpetuate the species

Not sure who you are talking about the Indian doctor. But if any doctors here in the west talked like that, they would probably have their medical license revoked.

I honestly think it be so much more helpful if you could be honest with therapists or doctors about suicide. If you can actually admit to them you want to suicide without any consequences. Then therapy would actually be helpful because you can express your honest feelings. Isn't that what therapy is about? It's being honest and building trust. Unfortunately we know that's not true. If you mention you want to suicide, then you get thrown in a psych ward.

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

Not sure who you are talking about the Indian doctor. But if any doctors here in the west talked like that, they would probably have their medical license revoked.

I honestly think it be so much more helpful if you could be honest with therapists or doctors about suicide. If you can actually admit to them you want to suicide without any consequences. Then therapy would actually be helpful because you can express your honest feelings. Isn't that what therapy is about? It's being honest and building trust. Unfortunately we know that's not true. If you mention you want to suicide, then you get thrown in a psych ward.

Dr. K. He's Western with Indian influences. But yes, that's definitely faux pa in the west.

Yeah. Which is doubly strange considering most people have considered suicide, too.

 

[OhWellDerp321]

Dr. K. He's Western with Indian influences. But yes, that's definitely faux pa in the west.

Yeah. Which is doubly strange considering most people have considered suicide, too.

This guy right?

Dude this guy brings so much logic into it. Thank you for bringing this guy up.

He is totally right. Its actually just common sense. He is saying you can't think therapy will fix things when your real life is shit.

Therapy will not help you if you are starving and can't get food. Therapy will not help you gain a stable career if you don't have one. Therapy will not help you secure a residence.

These are all legitimate issues that don't seem to be addressed. Instead, therapy focuses on thinking differently, and hoping the outcome would be different. Which doesn't always work out.

If someone lacks the financial stability to secure an apartment, then the only real help you can get is if you got a discount or temporary apartment.
But therapy cannot offer this. The most the therapist can do is do a google search and recommend you things that you could have done with a google search yourself.

It honestly feels like sometimes it is a waste of time going to therapy. I mean, sure it feels great to rant it all out. But eventually it feels like there are no solutions being provided to you. You're stating that you need food, a career, or better shelter. Instead what you are getting is advice on how to view your life positively.

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

This guy right?

Dude this guy brings so much logic into it. Thank you for bringing this guy up.

He is totally right. Its actually just common sense. He is saying you can't think therapy will fix things when your real life is shit.

Therapy will not help you if you are starving and can't get food. Therapy will not help you gain a stable career if you don't have one. Therapy will not help you secure a residence.

These are all legitimate issues that don't seem to be addressed. Instead, therapy focuses on thinking differently, and hoping the outcome would be different. Which doesn't always work out.

If someone lacks the financial stability to secure an apartment, then the only real help you can get is if you got a discount or temporary apartment.
But therapy cannot offer this. The most the therapist can do is do a google search and recommend you things that you could have done with a google search yourself.

It honestly feels like sometimes it is a waste of time going to therapy. I mean, sure it feels great to rant it all out. But eventually it feels like there are no solutions being provided to you. You're stating that you need food, a career, or better shelter. Instead what you are getting is advice on how to view your life positively.

Yeah that's the guy! Really smart guy. Harvard graduate. Yeah you're welcome.

Agreed. It does feel like a waste of time. It's like other people just know inherently the issues are too large to tackle, so they just make overtures just to make everyone around the person feel like something is being done--when nothing is really being done.

 

[OhWellDerp321]

Yeah that's the guy! Really smart guy. Harvard graduate. Yeah you're welcome.

Agreed. It does feel like a waste of time. It's like other people just know inherently the issues are too large to tackle, so they just make overtures just to make everyone around the person feel like something is being done--when nothing is really being done.

I mean. To be honest, if no one suffered, then the therapists wont have any clients to treat. And that means less or no money for them. Not saying they intentionally don't want you to get better. But even if you don't get better, its not like you can ask for a refund. So either way there is no motivation for improvement.

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

Yeah it's the same with most things. Recurrent subscription profit adds up powerfully. If you really want a true cure you have to go looking yourself.

And yeah, agreed. We're 100% reliant on them, and they can give as poor of a service as they like. They're still getting paid and they have infinite clients, given how poor mental health is in general.