monetpompo
૮ • ﻌ - ა
- Apr 21, 2025
- 304
monet diarypost #124 where i say super specific stuff about my life
Each night I'm like, "Okay, I fucked up my attempt and didn't go through with it. I can do it again and if I succeed then I won't be a failure!". Idiot. Then I either go to sleep or try to go to the woods and end up failing. Every day I end up feeling frustrated about something and I completely block out everything else in my life and say "I want to try to kill myself again". It'll be hard to revert my internal monologue when I've been thinking about how I won't have to deal with any of my problems anymore if I just kill myself for months on end. And no one will have to deal with me again because I'm a problem.
Today I got really frustrated that I still live with my mom and that I can't get angry at her because she'll just start laughing at me and treating me like a sensitive baby for getting mad. She acts so carefree and laughs so loudly it echoes through the whole house, but if she gets angry about anything she'll start yelling because she wants everyone to know she's mad. She thinks I want to live with her when I would rather kill myself than keep living with her. I don't have anywhere to run to but home. I have no one to rely on because when you're in your twenties, everyone has their own stuff they need to deal with and you need to figure out yours. There's no urgency to anything I do and I never seem to care what happens to me at all. I've thought like this since I was young. I hardly think anything in my life means anything because I don't think that I've ever meant anything. Sometimes I think about how she might've given birth to me because she wanted another cute kid, but didn't realize 3 kids are actually 3 financial burdens and she should've stopped at 1.
I marked out more patches of trees I can check out in the neighborhood. There's some clusters but they'd take me a bit to walk to. I want to die before August. I've wanted to die this whole month and I've just been really depressed and angry that I keep on not going through with my attempts. What I hate the most is how clunky my stool is and how it doesn't fit in my bag so it sticks out and looks stupid. I ate dinner earlier so I feel better. I haven't eaten since the afternoon because my mom always tries to bother me whenever I'm in the kitchen. I think that if I keep living with my mom like this I'm going to commit a petty crime just so I can go to jail and leave the house. I tried to look into staying in a hospital indefinitely, but my insurance wouldn't cover it and my parents wouldn't want to pay for me to institutionalize myself. I keep thinking about how I just want somewhere to stay because I want to be anywhere but home. I can't say "I'll die if I keep living here" because I know I'll only die if I kill myself.
My mom said that I didn't appreciate her enough and how I didn't act like I wanted to see her when she saw me in the psych ward. The nurses wanted to extend my stay because I got really upset that I had to see my mom when I was honestly glad I got to be away from her for a while. If I'm away from my mom because I'm staying over at someone's place or I'm on a trip I feel really calm and like I'm escaping my pain for a bit. There's just no way for me to leave home without becoming homeless. I want to run away so badly but no one would ever want to take me in because I'm just a random 20 year old and not a lost puppy. I have no hope for my future. I don't want to hope because I'm not a normal person that has any expectations that my life will get better or "dreams" that I'll be happy one day. My mom ruined all my dreams by telling me I'm not capable of doing anything. When I think about the future I just think about relieving the same day over and over until I'm 30 and living with my mom as an agoraphobic neet with 0 friends. I hate the person I am right now. I don't like being so aggressive and crying in my room because I hate myself and want people to like me. I just spend all day being sad. I really can't ever believe that people like me because I think that I'm such a loser and I have no control over my emotions. Sometimes I just say things and I regret them but I don't take them back because I want to fuck up my relationships with people so that I'm even more alone. I just want to ruin things more and more.
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