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i am so lainpilled :3 (? days left)
- Apr 15, 2023
- 264
As of now, I am basically seen as a "crazy, suicidal, mentally ill loose cannon" and am a black sleep within my religious, immigrant family or something . Everything just feels so tense and awkward and after past incidents of being locked up in a psych ward twice before the age of 18, dropping out of high school in my senior year etc.
Due to factors outside of my control, life has been spiralling into a truly ugly direction since the age of 10, although this unfortunate fate was years in the making. I have been trying to kill myself for years but I don't have access to any good methods and of the two times I came pretty close, I ended up being institutionalised. Was it helpful? Absolutely not, the mental health system in Australia is awful. You get treated like a burden, criminal and attention seeker.
Back when I was a more studious but pretty messed up teenager, I put my trust in this system and all I got back was having my issues trivialised and played off as just "typical teenage behaviour". I tried bringing up the possibility of being on the spectrum with the hope that school might finally become easier for me, I couldn't do anything about that since my (religious, more conservative leaning immigrant) family didn't want to "tarnish my/their image" or something.
To this day, it seems like anytime I encounter a mental health professional they immediately clock me as being autistic despite me not being diagnosed and I find this upsetting tbh. It probably explains why my past THREE job experiences have all gone terribly. Everyone can just tell when you're different and I don't want this for myself. I would rather be a perfectly normal bubbly, sociable, confident teenage girl instead of an awkward, spastic and off-putting disaster. For this reason, I believe death is a suitable option tbh. I don't want my life to consist of being dependent on accommodations and never being able to fit in with people like wtf is the point. The world is hard enough for people who are "neurotypical" so having all of this extra mental crap. Right now I'm just playing along with this life thing but as soon as I get a chance, I'm exiting this shit. Might check out some states I've never been too first because why not.
It's complicated because I know life could be good under specific circumstances but it will be impossible given my brain (can't hold down a job, highly sensitive to everything, trauma symptoms, cold/off-putting mannerisms etc)
I might try hanging again, the issue is just finding a good, private location. The current plan is to find a good tree in the bush somewhere, secure a rope to a branch, stand on a chair, kick it away and voila freedom.
Due to factors outside of my control, life has been spiralling into a truly ugly direction since the age of 10, although this unfortunate fate was years in the making. I have been trying to kill myself for years but I don't have access to any good methods and of the two times I came pretty close, I ended up being institutionalised. Was it helpful? Absolutely not, the mental health system in Australia is awful. You get treated like a burden, criminal and attention seeker.
Back when I was a more studious but pretty messed up teenager, I put my trust in this system and all I got back was having my issues trivialised and played off as just "typical teenage behaviour". I tried bringing up the possibility of being on the spectrum with the hope that school might finally become easier for me, I couldn't do anything about that since my (religious, more conservative leaning immigrant) family didn't want to "tarnish my/their image" or something.
To this day, it seems like anytime I encounter a mental health professional they immediately clock me as being autistic despite me not being diagnosed and I find this upsetting tbh. It probably explains why my past THREE job experiences have all gone terribly. Everyone can just tell when you're different and I don't want this for myself. I would rather be a perfectly normal bubbly, sociable, confident teenage girl instead of an awkward, spastic and off-putting disaster. For this reason, I believe death is a suitable option tbh. I don't want my life to consist of being dependent on accommodations and never being able to fit in with people like wtf is the point. The world is hard enough for people who are "neurotypical" so having all of this extra mental crap. Right now I'm just playing along with this life thing but as soon as I get a chance, I'm exiting this shit. Might check out some states I've never been too first because why not.
It's complicated because I know life could be good under specific circumstances but it will be impossible given my brain (can't hold down a job, highly sensitive to everything, trauma symptoms, cold/off-putting mannerisms etc)
I might try hanging again, the issue is just finding a good, private location. The current plan is to find a good tree in the bush somewhere, secure a rope to a branch, stand on a chair, kick it away and voila freedom.
