Life always been f'ed up. First my family giving severe anxiety and depression, always been the sore thumb sticking out. Still years later nothing changed I just roll with it. Mother knows and has always known I'm suicidal ever since I was 10. I would do it but knowing it would crush her soul in more ways than one makes me want to hold on. I worried her today again, one thing goes wrong and I go down the rabbit hole. Again and again and again, it's a neverending cycle until I end my own consciousness. I don't belong anywhere I'm just here, for my mother? But I question it as selfishness on her part, I've always been the one to think too much, unnecessarily even. I feel lost I can't understand my own self.
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