No one should have to live like this and I'm so alone

[littleearthquakes]

I'm the kind of sick people are terrified of. I've finally hit that point of no return where my quality of life is basically non-existent. I can't walk, can't talk or eat without pain, my hands are fucked up. My entire body hurts. I live with a partner/ex who is also disabled and can be emotionally abusive. They seem to resent me more the more I need help and we argue constantly and I'm afraid to ask for things especially if I need help trying to still do any of my hobbies and it's fucking devastating beyond words.

I lost every close online friend I've made the last few years over them not being able to accept me or handle my emotions or feedback or health stuff. Or they just got bored of me and my limitations. My condition is degenerative and unclear the treatment I'm finally getting will do anything. It literally hurts to write this. Yet I continue to try to make friends and every attempt goes down in flames.

This is not a life this is not anything. Things are better when I have someone to talk to but that comes at such a cost now physically and emotionally and nothing lasts. I have literal trauma from trying. I don't know what I'm supposed to do and everybody's freaked out by me and nobody can handle talking to me. People try to make me hopeful or want me to put on some happy facade or try to fix me or give me advice or awkwardly pitying or push me away in a million ways. And if I give feedback I just get lashed out at.

I feel like I'm just meant to fade out of existence and if I could push a button and know that it would work I would but right now I'm too sick to even know how to do it.

I don't know. If anyone can at least relate I would appreciate it. I just feel so incredibly fucking alone I don't know how to keep moving or breathing or eating or doing anything at all. Other options aren't possible at this moment so I just at least need to get through right now. I just don't wanna feel like this like I'm so sick and disabled and fucked up and everybody hates me for it and I'll never even have another connection again. I have nothing to hold onto and every attempt to find a little happiness or connection seems to make it worse. Maybe it's me I know it's partially me I know I'm a depressing mess but I try. I try to still be something in whatever time I have left. I try. I wish it could all stop.

 

[itwillhappensoon]

Life is full of suffering, I suffer too, from mental health and other health conditions wish make it hard for me to do anything, but anyway I wish you'll heal and be in a better living condition .

 

[littleearthquakes]

Life is full of suffering, I suffer too, from mental health and other health conditions wish make it hard for me to do anything, but anyway I wish you'll heal and be in a better living condition .

That's the exact kind of dismissiveness I tend to get. It sounds supportive but it's invalidating. I'm just expressing my situation. And what I go through is beyond what most do but it's not a competition.

Oh well. Not sure why I thought this space would be different.
If people aren't going to be genuinely supportive please don't reply and make me feel worse that's all I ask.
I would never meet anybody's vulnerability and sharing of pain and experience with life is suffering. That's not the point. Hold a little space for somebody talking about what they're struggling with. I said I can't walk or eat or use my hands normally and the response is life is suffering?
I can't do this

 

[LetMeOut67]

That's the exact kind of dismissiveness I tend to get. It sounds supportive but it's invalidating. I'm just expressing my situation. And what I go through is beyond what most do but it's not a competition.

Oh well. Not sure why I thought this space would be different.
If people aren't going to be genuinely supportive please don't reply and make me feel worse that's all I ask.
I would never meet anybody's vulnerability and sharing of pain and experience with life is suffering. That's not the point. Hold a little space for somebody talking about what they're struggling with. I said I can't walk or eat or use my hands normally and the response is life is suffering?
I can't do this

No one with a low quality of life should be made to stay in this hell
I pray that one day they'll legalise voluntary assisted euthanasia for anyone with serious long term physical and / or mental issues

 

[itwillhappensoon]

That's the exact kind of dismissiveness I tend to get. It sounds supportive but it's invalidating. I'm just expressing my situation. And what I go through is beyond what most do but it's not a competition.

Oh well. Not sure why I thought this space would be different.
If people aren't going to be genuinely supportive please don't reply and make me feel worse that's all I ask.
I would never meet anybody's vulnerability and sharing of pain and experience with life is suffering. That's not the point. Hold a little space for somebody talking about what they're struggling with. I said I can't walk or eat or use my hands normally and the response is life is suffering?
I can't do this

sorry ,I didn't mean to upset you , my English isn't that great , maybe I should have phrase it better , also I agree that I shouldn't have commented in the first place

 

[darksouls]

I am very sorry for your situation
hope you find relief from suffering
sending you hugs and love

 

[mourningyesterday]

i know how u feel, my health has and is continuing to deteriorate. i cant eat without intense reactions. also throat and jaw pain, my vision is fucked i cant go outside without sunglasses and not watched tv or played video games in 2 yrs. feel like a caged animal not being able to do things. im sorry about the situation with the person u live with

 

[AllWentWrong]

I also can't eat without severe reaction. Some foods are completely impossible. I'm using herbs to keep repeat infections at bay. I haven't watched TV or played video games since I got sick 7 months ago.


If I have a bad day or the herbs stop working I get extreme convulsions and screaming In my brain. With all the convulsions I lose 3 lbs in a few days .


I have a distress hotline in my city that I call frequently. Maybe something like that is available to you?

Eventually my treatments will stop working completely.

This will probably kill me, but I don't want to suffer going through a death by a neurotoxin/ nerve agent from rare fungal and bacterial colonization.

I asked 3 times to do a catch all fungal test. The first time I was refused. The second two times I was gaslighted and given MRSA screen.

 

[Hollowman]

I can relate. I don't think I'll be able to connect with anyone ever again.
I tried and failed recently and yeah it just makes it worse. Sorry you experience similar things. That's good you still want to try. I don't really have the will to anymore. I'm too empty and boring from brain damage.

 

[littleearthquakes]

I can relate. I don't think I'll be able to connect with anyone ever again.
I tried and failed recently and yeah it just makes it worse. Sorry you experience similar things. That's good you still want to try. I don't really have the will to anymore. I'm too empty and boring from brain damage.

I don't know how to stop trying. I should because it mostly makes my life worse or is only good temporarily and isn't worth the pain when it ends but I have this lifelong need and drive for interpersonal relationships I can't shake and I feel wrong and lost without at least attempting it.

 

[Hollowman]

I don't know how to stop trying. I should because it mostly makes my life worse or is only good temporarily and isn't worth the pain when it ends but I have this lifelong need and drive for interpersonal relationships I can't shake and I feel wrong and lost without at least attempting it.

I understand, hopefully you can figure something out and have meaningful lasting relationships. I had someone tell me a few years ago that she never tried harder just to be someones friend. I'm fundamentally broken.