grantaire
crowned prince of melodrama
- Nov 3, 2025
- 4
hi I'm new here sorry if I'm doing a faux pas or using the site wrong
but I just wanna complain about like being suicidal and wanting to talk about it. I'm not at the point yet where I'm going to do it but it's coming up and I feel I can't talk about it because if I talk about it it means I want to be saved. it isn't like that. I want to be able to warn my friends that it's going to happen so they can be prepared. I don't want to be saved. In therapy they ask if they should be worried about me and I say no because they shouldn't today and I wouldn't be hospitalized historically by my symptoms. but like. I don't know what to say. my counselor today asked me to email her when I felt I was a harm to myself and I'm like why would I do that. if I was actually a harm to myself I would tell anyone cause id do it. if I'm asking for help I won't do it. "do x if You're actually suicidal" I will not.... because I'll actually be suicidal and I've been there before and I've failed because I've been uninformed and stupid... idk I guess I'm just looking for community maybe. I feel like a failure cause I haven't succeeded in the past and if I actually want to die if be dead by now but it's like actually a lot of effort to kill yourself and I think maybe I've figured it out but even tho I know it won't matter to me once I'm dead cause I'll be dead and I can't feel anything about it but it feels rude to kill myself so close to my sisters birthday so I have to wait a few weeks. and I keep talking to friends like can't wait for x (the winter Olympics, the next season of iwtv) and if I say I'm excited for a future thing that means I'm faking my suicidality for attention I guess. when I'm like practicing ways. but if I say something like that I'm just a bitch who's attention seeking. sorry idk. I'm hard on myself.
but I just wanna complain about like being suicidal and wanting to talk about it. I'm not at the point yet where I'm going to do it but it's coming up and I feel I can't talk about it because if I talk about it it means I want to be saved. it isn't like that. I want to be able to warn my friends that it's going to happen so they can be prepared. I don't want to be saved. In therapy they ask if they should be worried about me and I say no because they shouldn't today and I wouldn't be hospitalized historically by my symptoms. but like. I don't know what to say. my counselor today asked me to email her when I felt I was a harm to myself and I'm like why would I do that. if I was actually a harm to myself I would tell anyone cause id do it. if I'm asking for help I won't do it. "do x if You're actually suicidal" I will not.... because I'll actually be suicidal and I've been there before and I've failed because I've been uninformed and stupid... idk I guess I'm just looking for community maybe. I feel like a failure cause I haven't succeeded in the past and if I actually want to die if be dead by now but it's like actually a lot of effort to kill yourself and I think maybe I've figured it out but even tho I know it won't matter to me once I'm dead cause I'll be dead and I can't feel anything about it but it feels rude to kill myself so close to my sisters birthday so I have to wait a few weeks. and I keep talking to friends like can't wait for x (the winter Olympics, the next season of iwtv) and if I say I'm excited for a future thing that means I'm faking my suicidality for attention I guess. when I'm like practicing ways. but if I say something like that I'm just a bitch who's attention seeking. sorry idk. I'm hard on myself.
