Venting never moving out, never getting older

[monetpompo]

i spend each day resenting my mom and missing my friend who moved away. i think about hurting my mom or self harming in front of her so that she realizes that i hate her and i never wanted to be born. she's the reason i'm like this. i must have inherited whatever illness she has. i hate the way she infantilizes me because i don't have a job or driving license, so she thinks i'm too stupid and dependent to ever move out. i've been stressing about getting older and being too financially fucked to move away from her, cutting off any chance i have of living a normal life and being a happy person. my relationships are fucked. i have to hide my feelings from people because it burdens them. i'm tempermental. i think i have bipolar.

i get angry and sad very often and any happy feeling i get is extremely fleeting. i see no "out" besides suicide. i live every day just waiting to die. there's some sort of extreme, pent-up rage inside of me that makes me fantasize about breaking everything in my room and yelling at my happy dappy neighbors through their ring cameras because they want to live here and i don't. human beings with wills to live aren't meant to live in the suburbs. there is nothing for me here. there has been nothing for me here. since high school i've wanted to run away from home because i hate living here. i want to get run over by someone's lawn mower and shredded to pieces. i want the whole neighborhood to hear me scream just as loud as the lawn mowers as they mow in unison at 10 am on a saturday.

i am not a productive memory of society. i contribute nothing to society. my mother doesn't want me to live with her and my dad doesn't know what to do about my self harm. my siblings don't really care. i hate that there isn't a system for people like me whose lives are going nowhere. i'm meant to slink away to somewhere isolated and dark and be found dead, because no system actually wants to deal with me. shelters and hospitals need to get rid of you eventually. no one is going to take you in and take care of you. if you don't figure your life out soon in your twenties, everyone you know is going to leave you behind. you need to do something or you are going to turn 30 very quickly. i'm not someone people feel sympathy for because i am a dreg of society. i have nothing to hope for because every day is the same. i hate the part of me that's so scared of dying when i see no point in being alive. i want no part in this routine anymore. it's hard to see a point in anything.

 

[monetpompo]

i'm kind of just scared that i'm just pretending. that none of what i say really matters because i really am stupid like how my mom thinks of me and i just need to get over myself. i'm supposed to "want" to get better, even if no one actually cares how i'm doing, since it would give people piece of mind. i feel so useless and like the only way i can prove my suicidal thoughts is by killing myself. it's the only way i can get back at my mom. it's so stupid. nothing will ever change even if i kill myself, but at least i'll stop feeling so sad about everything.

i want my friends to pay attention to me more and i hate how they outgrew me. i hate how i'm just the same to everybody all the time. it's painful to keep living knowing that you don't really matter to people, because you say things that don't make sense and you can't regulate your emotions so you hurt yourself. there's no point in me trying to form new relationships because i just end up feeling so guilty about it. i don't want to talk to people if i'm just going to die. i don't want to maintain my failing relationships or look for a job if all i want to do is die. i'll die before i actually feel loved by someone. i doubt everyone i know. i ruin relationships by telling people i know they hate me and they're just lying to me, when it's really just me that hates myself.

i think that i must deserve to feel this bad. i'm a self-pitying loser with no real life goals, hobbies, or interests. i just exist. i feel like such a loser all of the time and i feel like most of my life has just been trying to ignore the feeling that i'm burdening everyone around me. i feel like a heavy stone that people are dying to get rid of because it bothers them so much. i hate the feeling that i'm doing something intrinsically wrong with my life and i'm meant to pay someone to tell me how to fix it. i can talk myself in circles. i can just keep talking about how my existence doesn't benefit society, how all my friends secretly hate me, and how my body is ugly, over and over, but it'll never solve anything. i'm the reason that i don't like myself. it's my fault. i'm the one that's doing everything wrong.

when i die, i'm going to be afraid and alone. i'm not going to have anyone there to soothe me and tell me it'll be alright. i just don't want to survive and having to be shamed by everyone in my life because they think i did something so selfish. i hate the way people pretend to care about you only when you almost die. i don't want to wake up in a hospital bed because i don't want to see anyone's faces ever again. i don't want to have to be conscious and get made fun of by my mom for being such a depressed loser. my mom would be happier if i succeeded instead, since she thinks that depressed people should just die. she's never going to care that i hate being alive until i finally die and i say it's her fault.

 

[theboy]

I hope you get rid of that hard hatred :)

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

Fuck them; these people who can't even see your pain. They outgrew nothing. I know many people in my life who "outgrew me" , they still act like children, they have no sense of maturity and by all means the only aspect where they grew is in society's eyes. I don't care about what society thinks of me or them, it can go to hell. I don't know if this perspective helps you but this is how I see things. Humans are shallow creatures, don't belittle yourself and say you inconvenience them.

I hate that there is no one to comfort us when we die too.

 

[prettyclam]

Society simply doesn't care about us. The suicidal ones, the passionless ones, the ones whose fate is to die on the streets. It's a really sad truth. At least some of them hide their disdain unlike your mother. It's like torture being trapped with people, especially family, who don't believe in your pain. I feel you because mine is the same. It's also ironic how the source of pain is denying itself. I hope you get your independence one way or another, whether its by ctb or escaping that hellhole you don't deserve to live in