Need some advice

[astrichaoz]

Hello everyone, I need some advice. So, my SN has been ordered and it's on the way. I really hope it gets here and nothing happens to it. I can't wait, I've had multiple attempts before and I really feel like this is the one this time that's gonna work, I feel it in my bones. I don't think anyone is gonna get in my way this time. I'm ready to go. The only issue is my younger brother has a birthday near the end of February. I was waiting for that to pass to CTB, but I don't know anymore. I want to leave now. Im in a lot of pain everyday. I'm barely eating, I'm not doing my coursework for college, not paying attention in classes. I give up. I need this to end. But...he's turning 16 and he's already struggling with his own mental health problems, he's suicidal too. I don't want this to ruin anything for him. He deserves a good birthday, but I don't know. I'm in a lot of pain. I planned to end my life on March 13th, but I don't think I can wait much longer. I know this is a choice I have to make alone, but what would you guys do if you were in my situation? Im worried too that it's gonna make everyone miserable too and he won't really get to celebrate. What I'm doing is already considered selfish, so in my mind I'm just like...why not be a little more selfish and end it early? I don't know. Any insight would be appreciated, thanks.

 

[The_Hunter]

I am really sorry to hear that. What are some of the main reasons you feel you must CTB?

I am really sure that your younger brother would love to have you at his birthday party. I promise you that he would indeed miss you if you weren't able to come.

Your feelings of moral contradiction are most valid. Don't deny yourself your own feelings. If you feel guilty, then that is also valid; if one must regard one's own suicidal feeling as valid--then all feeling must end up as valid too--despite it's contradiction.

I am really sorry to hear that you are in so much pain. If you ever feel like conversing or even just venting in my DM's--I promise my inbox is most open to everything (and I mean everything) that you wish to say.

Wishing you the best <3 please take it easy

 

[soonnotkoei]

you are free to decide what you want to do, but i would wait it out until after the birthday so i dont ruin it for him. ofcourse all of this doesnt really matter if youre dead but idk.
whatever you do OP, hope you find peace.

 

[astrichaoz]

I am really sorry to hear that. What are some of the main reasons you feel you must CTB?

I am really sure that your younger brother would love to have you at his birthday party. I promise you that he would indeed miss you if you weren't able to come.

Your feelings of moral contradiction are most valid. Don't deny yourself your own feelings. If you feel guilty, then that is also valid; if one must regard one's own suicidal feeling as valid--then all feeling must end up as valid too--despite it's contradiction.

I am really sorry to hear that you are in so much pain. If you ever feel like conversing or even just venting in my DM's--I promise my inbox is most open to everything (and I mean everything) that you wish to say.

Wishing you the best <3 please take it easy

Thank you ♡ my reasons are just a combination of a lot of things really, but mainly I'm just like unbearably sad all the time and can't handle it, you know? I also just know that I don't have much of a future ahead of me, life is exhausting. Thank you for letting me know I can DM if needed, I appreciate that a lot ♡

 

[The_Hunter]

Thank you ♡ my reasons are just a combination of a lot of things really, but mainly I'm just like unbearably sad all the time and can't handle it, you know?

that's perfectly understandable <3 I hope you are able to find the root causes of that sadness and suffering. We are all human at the end of the day, we just want to feel nice--and that's perfectly valid :)

I also just know that I don't have much of a future ahead of me, life is exhausting. Thank you for letting me know I can DM if needed, I appreciate that a lot ♡

I feel you on the exhausting feeling from the great struggles in life. I hope you are able to find a sense of future that you will be at peace with. Please take care of yourself as well as you can, and make yourself feel as at ease as possible in this intense struggle you bear. I wish you way more than luck :)

Thank you ♡ my reasons are just a combination of a lot of things really, but mainly I'm just like unbearably sad all the time and can't handle it, you know?

Btw, do you feel you may have clinical depression? I think it's worth researching, especially if you've felt this way for a long time. I know it's a cliche thing to ask though so my apologies. I just don't want to let the possibility go unexplored, y'know? Take care <3