need opinions on the state of my relationship

[louboutinsuicide]

i have bpd and autism so that already places me in the negatives in terms of wifey material

despite knowing that my boyfriend still gave me a chance but since the start of the relationship i've placed him in incidents that have eroded his trust in me.

in the first incident i was keeping around a male friend who used to like me and i didn't know that detail was important genuinely. i was asked if this person used to have feelings for me or vice versa and the guy's attempt happened so long ago that it had slipped my memory. my bf ended up looking thru my phone and scrolled all the way up to 2023 to find the texts where i tell the guy that we are friends and just that. after then he never pursued me again. to bf i lied and kept around someone who was a threat. keep in mind this person is no where near me rn though.

second incident fangirled in a niche artists dms and sent heart emojis
third incident was intentional and non autistic / confusion based where i lied to him about contacting a third party about whether a guy i used to see deep in fentanyl addition was still alive. i had told bf i was inquiring about a friend. due to the previous incidents i was weary to tell the truth. that comes up all the time and im told i was pursuing the ex when i was just looking for closure essentially

fourth incident bf had dumped me and i asked a newer male friend if he knew of anyone who had a room available because i want to leave my boyfriend. my bf takes care of everything for me and i don't have a source of income, so fear motivated me to self preserve. this makes sense to me because my bf tells me if this guy wanted to pursue me he would and that my action makes it easier for him. and it probably makes my bf feel like a "cuck" which is a word he uses all the time.

my bf had told me at the start of the relationship that he has trust issues bc every girl he had been with cheated on him. i asked him why and he told me probably because he gets really mean. and he does, he was diagnosed with bpd a few weeks ago. some things he said in the beginning were scary like he was telling me he was grateful i didn't dress like a slut and i wasn't allowed to talk about my past if i was with someone else at the time, even though i liked to hear about his relationships because they made him the person i fell for. i never moved with the intentions of hurting him, ive honestly never had a boyfriend who cared about my male interactions this much so i was moving without experience, but ive hurt him nonetheless.

i didn't have any malicious intent with the incidents ive caused but that doesnt matter at this point, he doesn't trust me with men anymore and i veer towards that side when i make friendships especially as th community i am involved with now (addiction recovery) is male dominated so i dont have many social contacts now. he's taught me about male/female dynamics and how men who speak to me will usually just want to fuck me and i've never really understood that in the past. it fucks with my head and i'm told i'm building a roster and doing all this evil shit just because i'm a girl.

when he's stable he doesn't trust me much, i'm always talking to a guy or building a roster or scheming to leave him and frog hop to the next person. i could be in a therapy session or making him dinner and he's accusing me of all that, when in actuality i am so unbearably lonely and socially starved. he tells me there's no trust from his end and i should stop moving like there is (i didn't text him for 4 hours once because i was with a 12 step sponsor and he threatened to break up with me, despite having my location and me telling him where im going). it's the worst when he splits because he complains and complains about me and then i tell him to leave if hes so miserable and he gets mad at that. i can't really bring anything up that he does that bothers me or else it can be deemed a double standard or a justification. he also tells me i dont take accountability for my actions and he's right, i usually get angry when it's all brought up. i think thats because i dont understand the severity of his reactions to what i did, and i dont see it as big of a deal as he does.

he's not bad. i guess all relationship advice posts end off with that. i wanna be with him but i don't know where to start on helping him mend. i have a lot of self development and career/school things to do and i can't focus because i wonder how we'll mend constantly.

last night we exploded into an argument because my phone died and when it rebooted a bunch of notifs came up and it triggered him. i told him they were realtors i was speaking to about finding us a place. he doesn't trust me of course and continued with that narrative. i got upset and told him "please not now i just need you". he works 10 hours a day and i just wanted him in his essence then. i had spent time making him dinner and i wanted to enjoy the meal with him, i missed him all day. but he took that as me dismissing him. he ended up speaking to his therapist and came to the conclusion that i am self centered. he split on me told me i was insane for believing that we could survive a house together and that the kid in my stomach (i just tested positive a week ago) isn't his. he told me he believes everything he says in splits. we went to bed separately and i got so stressed out that i started to plan a way out of this house.

today i reached out and hes in the same mentality. he told me i would never kill myself because i need to "keep myself and my holes pretty" and that he regrets getting a "prostitute" pregnant. nothing i haven't heard from
him in past splits.

i want him and more importantly i feel as though i need him, i cant stand knowing there is another person on this earth who fucking hates me. i wanna get high and die so badly. i have something in the works to leave tomorrow to another sober house, but im afraid me going will be the complete end to us.

also im told that when i explain the situation i portray myself as a victim, so sorry if i did that. i tried my best to highlight my part. i don't know if im naive or stupid but i didn't know all of this was so important. maybe i wasn't raised right or something

 

[orpheus_]

If I'm going to be honest, his behaviors sound really shit. I know it is only your perspective and I'm not saying you're the one always behaving right in this relationship, but really, objectively speaking - he has no right to deny you the right to talk to other men. Generally what he says about male and female dynamics sounds hella mysoginistic and just generally stupid. Making some sacrifices is required for some (I believe for most) relationships to work, but it shouldn't go so far that you literally build your life around him just because he's had some bad experiences with women.

Please think about whether you are in this relationship because you actually value him as a person, or if it's just that you emotionally feel "stuck" to him. Just.. think where you really stand with this, both "logically" and "emotionally".

If you do genuinely value this relationship and want to keep it, I think you should have a serious talk when you're both at-least-somewhat-stable, maybe write it to him in a message - and you should be honest with him, that these things are wrong and ask if he realizes that, and if he's willing to change. Not necessarily here and now, because trust issues aren't fixed overnight, but just try to do something with it, knowing that it hurts you. You mentioned he goes to therapy, I hope that can help (though, just a side note, mind that his therapist saying you're self centered might not be necessarily true, keep in mind that the therapist only heard *his* point of view).

Loneliness hurts. I know. However I think it's better to spend some time without a romantic partner and be allowed a good life, than stay stuck with someone who is controlling and abusive and excuses it with their trauma/ psychiatric diagnosis/anything like this. So I think you should try to assess the situation as objectively as possible, seeing whether he is actually a decent guy who just cannot control himself in some situations, or if he's just being shitty and not trying to do anything about it, only hiding between "oh sorry I have bad experiences".

I don't know about your behavior here, I mean what I can certainly say - is that there's nothing wrong with maintaining contact with male friends while having a boyfriend. It's important that you recognize when he's mad at you because you actually did something wrong, and when he's mad at you because of his own issues. And, best case scenario, learn to stay calm when he gets mad. However I know this is VERY difficult, especially as you mentioned you have bpd too. In a relationship with someone like this, what is important to know the objective facts - and not believe in what that person's disorder makes seem true. What I think you shouldn't do though is force interactions/spending time with him if he's lashing out at you, even if you planned time together. In such a case, just let him calm down without forcing anything. If he wants to exit the room, let him. If he wants to stop talking for a while, let him and try speaking later. Otherwise the argument will only get worse and worse. Honestly the more emotionally stable you will be, the easier it will be to deal with him too. But I know it might sound impossible, I guess you can just try your best and learn how to stabilize yourself. Regardless whether you end up in a relationship with him or not, having these skills will certainly be good for you.

Yes, what he says when he splits *is* impulsive and shouldn't always be taken into account. However if he keeps up the same stance even when he gets calm... Well I don't think he's a good guy to be with. If you decide to leave - he will not hate you because you are a bad person. If he will, it will be because he had a negative experience with you. Like a person who was severely injured by a dog and now claims all dogs are evil because of this. Bullshit. I know it's not easy, knowing someone out there (potentially) may resent you. But maybe that bit of discomfort is better than what this relationship would look like in the long run. Keep your friends (...at least you will be allowed to have them) and don't sacrifice everything for one guy, please.

However I'm not saying that you two cannot have a good relationship. It really depends on many factors, so it's not for me to judge. But I know it's not automatically over and I am FAR from saying things like "keep away from people who have any problems/disorders" (as some people claim). People are never perfect. He might have his issues, but be a genuinely good partner once he changes some things. Or not. Because what matters is if he's willing to change his behavior and what he's real intentions are - if he really respects you and wants a relationship but cannot control himself in some situations, or if he feels entitled to you doing everything for him. It's never that black and white, he might be a good guy with some bad traits too, I know life is complicated sometimes. The decision what to do is up to you, just please think it through.

I'm sorry if I said something improper for your situation, I don't know the wider context, also I do not have bpd or autism so I don't know what it's like. I am/was (complicated?) in a relationship with a person who has autism and suspected bpd, I would say our relationship now is quite good and "normal" even though it went through some actual wild shit. It required effort from both sides, though.

Also one side note at the end because I forgot to mention it, if you haven't tried mood stabilizing medication it might be worth giving it a shot. Like I said I know a person with bpd traits and Lamotrigine has helped them a lot by making emotions less overwhelming, while not turning them off. I know meds cannot fix a disorder that most often stems from trauma, but for some people they really help deal with extreme emotions and make things much easier.

 

[louboutinsuicide]

If I'm going to be honest, his behaviors sound really shit. I know it is only your perspective and I'm not saying you're the one always behaving right in this relationship, but really, objectively speaking - he has no right to deny you the right to talk to other men. Generally what he says about male and female dynamics sounds hella mysoginistic and just generally stupid. Making some sacrifices is required for some (I believe for most) relationships to work, but it shouldn't go so far that you literally build your life around him just because he's had some bad experiences with women.

Please think about whether you are in this relationship because you actually value him as a person, or if it's just that you emotionally feel "stuck" to him. Just.. think where you really stand with this, both "logically" and "emotionally".

If you do genuinely value this relationship and want to keep it, I think you should have a serious talk when you're both at-least-somewhat-stable, maybe write it to him in a message - and you should be honest with him, that these things are wrong and ask if he realizes that, and if he's willing to change. Not necessarily here and now, because trust issues aren't fixed overnight, but just try to do something with it, knowing that it hurts you. You mentioned he goes to therapy, I hope that can help (though, just a side note, mind that his therapist saying you're self centered might not be necessarily true, keep in mind that the therapist only heard *his* point of view).

Loneliness hurts. I know. However I think it's better to spend some time without a romantic partner and be allowed a good life, than stay stuck with someone who is controlling and abusive and excuses it with their trauma/ psychiatric diagnosis/anything like this. So I think you should try to assess the situation as objectively as possible, seeing whether he is actually a decent guy who just cannot control himself in some situations, or if he's just being shitty and not trying to do anything about it, only hiding between "oh sorry I have bad experiences".

I don't know about your behavior here, I mean what I can certainly say - is that there's nothing wrong with maintaining contact with male friends while having a boyfriend. It's important that you recognize when he's mad at you because you actually did something wrong, and when he's mad at you because of his own issues. And, best case scenario, learn to stay calm when he gets mad. However I know this is VERY difficult, especially as you mentioned you have bpd too. In a relationship with someone like this, what is important to know the objective facts - and not believe in what that person's disorder makes seem true. What I think you shouldn't do though is force interactions/spending time with him if he's lashing out at you, even if you planned time together. In such a case, just let him calm down without forcing anything. If he wants to exit the room, let him. If he wants to stop talking for a while, let him and try speaking later. Otherwise the argument will only get worse and worse. Honestly the more emotionally stable you will be, the easier it will be to deal with him too. But I know it might sound impossible, I guess you can just try your best and learn how to stabilize yourself. Regardless whether you end up in a relationship with him or not, having these skills will certainly be good for you.

Yes, what he says when he splits *is* impulsive and shouldn't always be taken into account. However if he keeps up the same stance even when he gets calm... Well I don't think he's a good guy to be with. If you decide to leave - he will not hate you because you are a bad person. If he will, it will be because he had a negative experience with you. Like a person who was severely injured by a dog and now claims all dogs are evil because of this. Bullshit. I know it's not easy, knowing someone out there (potentially) may resent you. But maybe that bit of discomfort is better than what this relationship would look like in the long run. Keep your friends (...at least you will be allowed to have them) and don't sacrifice everything for one guy, please.

However I'm not saying that you two cannot have a good relationship. It really depends on many factors, so it's not for me to judge. But I know it's not automatically over and I am FAR from saying things like "keep away from people who have any problems/disorders" (as some people claim). People are never perfect. He might have his issues, but be a genuinely good partner once he changes some things. Or not. Because what matters is if he's willing to change his behavior and what he's real intentions are - if he really respects you and wants a relationship but cannot control himself in some situations, or if he feels entitled to you doing everything for him. It's never that black and white, he might be a good guy with some bad traits too, I know life is complicated sometimes. The decision what to do is up to you, just please think it through.

I'm sorry if I said something improper for your situation, I don't know the wider context, also I do not have bpd or autism so I don't know what it's like. I am/was (complicated?) in a relationship with a person who has autism and suspected bpd, I would say our relationship now is quite good and "normal" even though it went through some actual wild shit. It required effort from both sides, though.

Also one side note at the end because I forgot to mention it, if you haven't tried mood stabilizing medication it might be worth giving it a shot. Like I said I know a person with bpd traits and Lamotrigine has helped them a lot by making emotions less overwhelming, while not turning them off. I know meds cannot fix a disorder that most often stems from trauma, but for some people they really help deal with extreme emotions and make things much easier.

that's cool, i am also on that medication. thank you so much for such a long and thought out response, it is very appreciated by someone who has minimal contacts. please understand, with the context of what we are both doing on this web site, that you can help people through a screen and that can translate into real world interactions too. from the way you write and interpret i wish i had your set of characteristics. thank you.

 

[KitSych]

it's over

 

[existentiallinguine]

Girl, I'm so sorry, but I'm genuinely worried about you. Those comments about your body especially are extremely degrading. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having BPD. It takes some serious, severe childhood trauma to develop most of the time. I have incredible sympathy for them, and it's wonderful you're able to extend this empathy as well. A lot of the times I do think people just shit on that condition because of its association with young traumatized women, and it's pretty easy in my opinion to tell if someone is actually the abusive partner repeatedly pushing on the person with BPD's boundaries and pushing them to split, while treating them like garbage to pull the "my evil mentally ill BPD ex" shtick. Since you have BPD and Autism, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about as well. Even though he is saying that's what's happening here, it's clearly not. This dude is making some incredibly misogynistic comments about you, your body and his ex partner's bodies. As other people have said, if he cares about you, he should be working on these issues, because realistically he is weaponizing his power over you as a guy. You're not cancelling dates to hang out with these guys, you're not spending "too much" time with your friends. I'm really happy that it seems like you have a wonderfully supportive group of people around you, and you should be able to hang out with them. I wouldn't take what the therapist is saying too seriously, therapy is really individualistic, and I doubt he's mentioning that he's making comments that severe.

Also, just speaking from experience, men obsessed with something like this that happened to me in a past relationship are a lot. It really seems like he is punishing you for the behavior of his ex girlfriends. You're not his ex girlfriend and don't have to atone for her sins.

Honestly, I'm not going to tell you what to do, but I was in a relationship pretty recently where for months people were telling me to leave. I didn't because I loved the guy so much. I can't express how much I regret this. When he left, I was totally isolated and it's totally ruined my life. This is a totally different situation in a lot of ways, but I just want you to know I'm a little biased here lol and I'm going to say I really do think maybe you should prioritize yourself if literally everyone in your life is telling you this is bad for you. If that's the situation you're in, I implore you to listen to those who care about you.