Venting Nearly 6 years

[willitpass]

If I told myself back in March of 2020 that I would not only still be alive, but still be an active user on here… It's some twisted joke. I've lost count of the amount of ways I've hurt myself, tortured myself, my half hearted attempts, my true attempts. This isn't a site anyone wants to be around for long term. To be a long term user on here is an awful thing. It means you haven't found peace, and that's what we're all here for isn't it? You come here and you either CTB or you find peace in living enough that you don't feel the need to visit anymore. What do you do when you've failed at both of those? Still alive despite your best efforts not to be. And still don't want to live despite your best efforts to somehow find a way to make peace with existing. It's a lonely, isolating, heart wrenching existence to be here for 6 years. And that doesn't count the years and years of depression and suicidal thoughts and attempts prior to joining. Oh what I would give to not find a need to be here anymore. What I would give to find peace, be it in this life or not.

 

[kouna]

Man, you must be very strong.

 

[soul2realm]

I am sorry for the pain you are suffering. And its mutual. Unfortunately, the solution for our problem is not and cannot be found here. I am glad that there is such a platform available that gives us knowledge about ways to do it or not do it. Bleeding hearts like us can share their ordeal.
I really wish you find what you are looking for and get rid of the pain. Lots of love and blessings.

 

[itsgone2]

I don't know how you're doing it

 

[bed]

i feel like i could've wrote this. everything you said hits close to home.

 

[Dot]

Rel8

 

[willitpass]

i feel like i could've wrote this. everything you said hits close to home.

Rel8

It's awful being a permanent fixture in an ever rotating cast of people. Watching everyone get what we so desperately want and we can't do anything but sit and wait. I'm jealous of everyone who isnt on here anymore. The ones who CTB and the ones who recovered.

 

[Dot]

It's awful being a permanent fixture in an ever rotating cast of people. Watching everyone get what we so desperately want and we can't do anything but sit and wait. I'm jealous of everyone who isnt on here anymore. The ones who CTB and the ones who recovered.

Yh

& thn certn ppl ask Y hve nt CTB lke b-ing on ste lng-trm = fr sinistr vyeuristc reasns or smethng rathr thn 1) am trappd in purgtry or 2) th/ ste = actully keepng slf & othr ppl alve & prevntng attmpts

 

[monetpompo]

To be a long term user on here is an awful thing. It means you haven't found peace, and that's what we're all here for isn't it? You come here and you either CTB or you find peace in living enough that you don't feel the need to visit anymore. What do you do when you've failed at both of those? Still alive despite your best efforts not to be. And still don't want to live despite your best efforts to somehow find a way to make peace with existing. It's a lonely, isolating, heart wrenching existence to be here for 6 years. And that doesn't count the years and years of depression and suicidal thoughts and attempts prior to joining. Oh what I would give to not find a need to be here anymore.

tacking my personal thoughts onto your post:
i agree wholeheartedly. even as someone who's only been here for 8 months, the site is incredibly draining, boring, and depressing, yet not killing myself and still being suicidal keeps me here. it's familiar even though the people change by the day and nothing stays the same, because the perpetual misery is familiar. it sounds really rough in an unimaginable way to be a long time sasu user. i often wonder why i'm here and why i bother after taking breaks from the site. i keep wondering when i'll die or get better so i never log on here again and finally stop talking about suicide.

 

[Dante_]

Can relate, I've been here before and a bit longer than my acc suggests so to still be here after having seen so many, some i knew either ctb or recover is quite disorienting at times as much as I try to ignore it.

 

[Carryline]

Almost like my story... i tried almost everything.. hopefully my SN will arove soon so i can do it.. I hope i will ctb soon because life is just suffering and pain

 

[MyLifeisHell]

I feel the same