Venting My vents

[deadtrace]

I'll just reply to this in future for vents. I'll take up less space that way, hopefully it'll be less irritating for others.

I have a lot to say today. I've put a lot of effort into different things and it has all made everything worse. The first things is related to transitioning, and my general appearance. I've for a long time now just given up on my appearance. I don't pass as female at all, I don't look feminine at all, and I had no motivation to try. Recently I've had motivation to try again, been getting back into makeup and stuff, and it makes me feel nice. Like I'm actually trying to feel good about myself. But it all goes away when I look at myself. I feel nice trying, but I look in the mirror and it's just all horrible. Today was particularly bad, I thought I'd wear a dress, seen as I've not worn anything outwardly feminine in years and I miss it. I spent time putting on makeup and looking forward to it, then I had a moment whilst out where I walked past some glass in a train station and saw myself. Holy shit I'm fucking disgusting. Beyond not passing as female, and feeling masculine, just at a base level I look wrong. I'm just fucking ugly. Even before transitioning I've felt like this, I look at myself and it's just fucking wrong. Transitioning helped with dysphoria and everything, and I don't regret it at all, but wow no amount of clothes or makeup will change how basically ugly I am. It's like my family, and one other person who sees me regularly, see a completely different person when looking at me.

Then there's job related stuff from today. I've been struggling for over a year to get a job, and that's what most of my vents have been about. Well I got actual careers advice today from my university, cause I can still get help from them apparently. Well, their exact words on my CV are that "I am absolutely nothing special, and everything on there that I'm trying to push as good is crap" and that "I will not get any call backs for any job in the tech sector, even if I rewrite my CV," to top all that off there's "You've done absolutely nothing over the last year clearly from this CV other than waste time applying for jobs. You have no work ethic, and no recruiter will want to talk to the person behind this CV."

So basically, give up and fucking die. But yep I can't even do that. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I am mentally unable to CTB for various reasons, but holy shit do I want to... I don't even know why I'm here anymore.

I've really been trying to work on myself recently. Doing things that make me feel better about myself, applying for jobs again, getting actual fucking help with the process, but it's just all nothing, worse than nothing. I also relapsed on self harming today, for no fucking reason. It didn't help me feel in control, or feel something, and it wasn't for attention. I just fucking did it. It's been ages, why for fucking nothing. Having a breakdown on a train crying and trying to hurt myself that's where trying to get better has gotten me.

Admittedly I don't know why I've put this here. Maybe at some point I thought getting it all out would help, but it hasn't. I feel exactly the same as before. Now if I could just drop fucking dead and stop being a burden to my family that would help...

On one hand I want someone to hold me and tell me it's okay, someone I can actually be open with about everything that's happened and is happening, and just let everything out. Someone to help me actually work through everything properly and openly, but that isn't possible. I've gotten myself completely stuck I can't go to anyone because of how much I've lied and said shits okay. No matter how bad things get I still can't cope with everyone finding out that everything I've said for years is a fucking lie. On the other hand, I don't even know if that would help. Someone could tell me everything is okay, but I know it isn't being told that won't help any of the real, tangible issues I have. What the fuck am I supposed to do.

I know and accept that things are this bad because of my stubbornness, laziness, lack of motivation, delusion, stupidity, whatever you want to call it, it's my own fault it's gotten this far. Is that enough? Is that the point? Can something good happen now? I'm a fuck up and it's my own fault, I've caused it, it's all me, no one else it's me.

 

[Leiot]

For the tech sector, there are several organizations dedicated to get women into tech. STEM is a big thing especially for women. About your CV; in the US they generally don't want a CV, they want a basic resume. Not sure what they call it in other countries. PM me if you want some help with it. I still know people in the field. I worked tech but went to business school for my bachelor & masters. Most tech people I've seen are terrible writers. It's just not one of their core competencies.

Then there's job related stuff from today. I've been struggling for over a year to get a job, and that's what most of my vents have been about. Well I got actual careers advice today from my university, cause I can still get help from them apparently. Well, their exact words on my CV are that "I am absolutely nothing special, and everything on there that I'm trying to push as good is crap" and that "I will not get any call backs for any job in the tech sector, even if I rewrite my CV," to top all that off there's "You've done absolutely nothing over the last year clearly from this CV other than waste time applying for jobs. You have no work ethic, and no recruiter will want to talk to the person behind this CV."

"No work ethic" - who the fuck told you that? My psychiatrist told me I'm not supposed to slap people who piss me off.

About how you look - I'd guess you're being overly critical. My experience has been that I see women way, way more critical of their appearance than men are toward you all. I'd bet if you posted a picture everyone would agree.

Anyway, your post struck a chord with me. I take women in tech pretty seriously and if you need anything let me know. Depending on your specialty I might be able to point you towards someone.

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[Namelesa]

well here you can vent about and open about anything that is happening to you and we will listen.

If they actually said those words about your CV then they are disgusting, insensitive and useless cus all they did was insult you without any constructive criticism.

You are not a burden to your family. You are not obligated to do anything for them as they brought you here. Logically speaking Its not your fault that these things have happened to you. Its not your fault that you have difficulties with work. Your appearance isn't your fault. Some things we just can't fully control tho its totally understandable to think its your fault.

if you are absolutely comfortable with sharing about it. What are these lies that you are talking about? If you can't its okay, I know keeping up with lies is stressful and saying about them is even more stressful.

 

[deadtrace]

I've been working hard on myself again, more than the other times I've tried. I've been writing again, keeping routines, consistently working on projects, reading, yoga, but I haven't seen any of the benefits mentally. All I've gotten from it is external issues and miscellaneous medical issues. I've watched multiple grandparents deteriorate steadily, both mentally and physically, with one of them trying to ctb. I've had cancer scares myself, been told nothing is wrong on ultrasounds, but my body keeps slowly showing new issues and weakness. Yet nope nothing is wrong medically, fucking sure. It's all making me question why I even bother. I haven't gone into everything in detail, and I don't want to, but it feels like I'm being beaten down for trying. Even on the "lighter" side of things, my family just ridicule and abuse me for trying. I suppose at this point I can only hope that either I'm being a hypochondriac, which is seeming more and more unlikely, or I get pushed to ctb before it gets me hospitalized. One local hospital is ridiculously full, and the other is known to mistreat patients and actually caused the death of my grandad, so if i don't ctb I'm sure one of those will do it.

If people do respond to this I am sorry if I don't respond. Even if I do have things to say, It's likely I'll overthink and question it all until I don't say anything. Anyway I have an appointment today for another part of my body that's giving up, we'll see how that goes. I'm irrationally terrified of it though, beyond the actual medical issue.

 

[deadtrace]

Same as always why do I bother.

My sister (younger than me by a few years) has a job, and is moving out soon. Really reminded me how much of a disappointment and a failure I am. I don't want to be alive when she leaves, firstly because I'll be alone with my parents which just concentrates all their hatred on me, but secondly it'll just be a constant reminder that I should be dead. I'm a completely worthless burden. I'm a pathetic leach and a failure of a person. No matter how much I try I just fail and fall back further and further. I'm just not meant to be alive.

Then social media recommended me the account of my abusive ex girlfriend who ruined most of my adolescent life AAnd early 20s (I know some may think "Oh so you were teenagers it can't of been bad" and I kind of get it. I don't want to go into detail but IIt was that bad, please just take my word for it). I shouldn't of looked. She's living exactly the life she always wanted. She's a full time artist and graphic designer, and pretty successfull at it seemingly. On one hand I don't want to resent her for it and want to just forget, but that darker part of me fucking despises her for it. After all the damage she's caused me, and all the years she took away, she's just happy. Everything worked out perfectly. I lost all my friends because of her turning them against me in the end, she accelerated all my mental health issues, destroyed my trust of people and made me completely isolate myself for years. I'm still not recovered. What she did is still ruining my current relationship. But she's just happy.... While I'm just fucking nothing I've got nothing and done norbing, and I'm at the point of needing to die but I'm too weak and pathetic to even do that.

 

[deadtrace]

I suppose I have a deadline now I just don't know when it is...

My parents are not so subtly hinting they're planning on kicking me out because of how ashamed they are of me. I suppose it was bound to happen I'm a fuck up and a failure.

I'm trying so hard to get better like I'm on a new medication now and referred for therapy again but I guess it doesn't matter. I have to ctb. I don't know how or when but I have to...