four_walls_girl
En-BEDded in reality
- Nov 18, 2024
- 65
back last year or the year before that (I really can't remember) I started having feelings about ctb. I was only a lurker here then. I was sh-ing and was dealing with a developing ed plus medical issues and all around not having a good time mentally. It was only in November when I made my account when I finally came to the decision that I was gonna do it and set a date before my 25th birthday.
I was gonna become skinny before 24, let myself have a year in my new body, and then ctb before I reached 25. Nothing else mattered. I abandoned all my hobbies and let myself get trapped in my own head. Didn't feel real, didn't care about myself or anything else. Just be pretty then gone.
Since then though my binge eating has only gotten worse. I lost barely anything before I regained it back 2x. I can't eat normally anymore, I NEED to binge everything in one sitting or I can't cope.
But I've been making plans despite this though. I'm taking my family on "one last holiday", Gonna have "one last Christmas". Which has also turned into wanting to do the things I used to do as a kid as a sort of weird bucket list, like go to the local zoo and parks and museums again. Been acting more childishly too.
I've also made new friends online. Got into drawing again to the point that's the only thing consuming every free hour of my day. I get depressed when a drawing sucks, I'm still anxious about not being able to do anything right despite being an adult, but for some reason I want to get really good so I can make money and buy all the things I've always wanted. Yarn for crochet, figures, toys, games, all of that.
I think this is my subconscious minds way of prolonging it. I still want to ctb, but the urge isn't huge anymore. The binge eating is to stop me from getting to my goal weight that will kickstart the plan, I think restarting hobbies is trying to keep my here longer too.
But I do still feel I'm not allowed to live past 25. It's like my brains at war with itself.
Not in like a did way, but there's three people. One wants it all to be over and the other wants to live. And I kinda just want to stay in this limbo at this age forever? I don't want to age, but I want to start having fun again. I wouldn't mind if I was stuck in a timeloop that only I could stop when I'm ready for it to be over.
I just don't know what's going to happen when I haven't reached any of my goals before my 25th birthday anymore. I don't know if I'm going to be here or not, I have no idea what my future is gonna be like. It's weird. I don't care but I do. I hate being an adult.
I was gonna become skinny before 24, let myself have a year in my new body, and then ctb before I reached 25. Nothing else mattered. I abandoned all my hobbies and let myself get trapped in my own head. Didn't feel real, didn't care about myself or anything else. Just be pretty then gone.
Since then though my binge eating has only gotten worse. I lost barely anything before I regained it back 2x. I can't eat normally anymore, I NEED to binge everything in one sitting or I can't cope.
But I've been making plans despite this though. I'm taking my family on "one last holiday", Gonna have "one last Christmas". Which has also turned into wanting to do the things I used to do as a kid as a sort of weird bucket list, like go to the local zoo and parks and museums again. Been acting more childishly too.
I've also made new friends online. Got into drawing again to the point that's the only thing consuming every free hour of my day. I get depressed when a drawing sucks, I'm still anxious about not being able to do anything right despite being an adult, but for some reason I want to get really good so I can make money and buy all the things I've always wanted. Yarn for crochet, figures, toys, games, all of that.
I think this is my subconscious minds way of prolonging it. I still want to ctb, but the urge isn't huge anymore. The binge eating is to stop me from getting to my goal weight that will kickstart the plan, I think restarting hobbies is trying to keep my here longer too.
But I do still feel I'm not allowed to live past 25. It's like my brains at war with itself.
Not in like a did way, but there's three people. One wants it all to be over and the other wants to live. And I kinda just want to stay in this limbo at this age forever? I don't want to age, but I want to start having fun again. I wouldn't mind if I was stuck in a timeloop that only I could stop when I'm ready for it to be over.
I just don't know what's going to happen when I haven't reached any of my goals before my 25th birthday anymore. I don't know if I'm going to be here or not, I have no idea what my future is gonna be like. It's weird. I don't care but I do. I hate being an adult.
