My punishment.

[subhumantrash]

Everyday, I want to give up. Everyday I want to CTB. But I can't. One of the main reasons why I want it in the first place is because of how much I hurt people in the past. I will never get to redeem myself. I will never forgive myself. I will never forget.

I always wanted to burn myself alive. I feel like I deserve it. I don't believe in afterlife. So, I will punish myself that way. Or so I thought.
There are people who need me. They told me themselves. There are people who enjoy my company, they told me themselves. There are people who would be very sad if I died.
If I CTB, I will be hurting these people. I just cannot do this when the whole reason is because of hurting others in the past.
My mind tricks me. I doubt people. I don't believe their words.
Everyday is hell for me. I guess that's my punishment. I guess this is me burning alive, emotionally at least. On one hand, I can't punish myself. On the other hand, I am hanging on to this hell for the people who my mind tells me aren't trustworthy. They are good people. Trustworthy people. I just cannot let the thought go. I know the truth, but the back of my mind is too loud. I know they aren't lying to me. I know their pain is most likely far worse than mine. I try to help. I wish I could help more. I really do.
I finally understand. My real punishment would be either losing these people, or not being able to help them.
If I could suffer 10x all the pain I caused so that it can be reverted, I would.
If I could suffer 100x all the pain in this world so that it would never happen, I would.

Please do not ask how I hurt people.
Thank you for reading.

 

[AhmedAlRazek]

 

[MoonlitNight]

Have you ever tried venting? I understand what you did may not be ethical to talk about according to you. But it seems that to overcome the mental anguish you're going through you're going to need to tackle your past actions slowly.
Maybe try reaching out to those people, they sound like they care about you. The voice may tell you all that, and i wont say simple shit like "donT LiStEn tO iT" but i do ask you to bear through it.

It's not easy, never will be. Please reach out too. Yes, their reactions may differ. They may be sad, concerned and confused. But this is the path to recovery, this is all how everything starts with. It may even help you get off the mental and emotional load

Please do tell me if there's any flaws on my insight, it will help me get a view from another angle too
Best of luck, proud of you for staying strong and i hope you will find harmony with yourself.

 

[Viranamari]

That sounds like a difficult situation to be in. Since I don't really know your exact situation, I can't help you much. But if you want to CTB, are you sure you want to burn? That's going to be very slow and painful. There are easier methods. Especially when you know there are people who need you, CTB is nearly impossible. But anyways, I wish you luck.

 

[subhumantrash]

Have you ever tried venting?

I did. It helped me for a while. My friends supported me well. However, due to not (at least not in stable way) being able to trust my friends, It does not really help anymore.
I wish I could forgive myself. Let go. That way I think I could help them more. Be there for them more. I sometimes cannot help them while struggling myself. Not being able to help just makes it even worse. They are very understanding, I don't deserve them.

Best of luck, proud of you for staying strong and i hope you will find harmony with yourself.

Thank you for your kind words, have a nice day.

are you sure you want to burn?

I know no matter what I do, the past won't change. However, I still can't stop but feel like I deserve the worst.

But anyways, I wish you luck.

Thank you! Good luck to you too.