NSFW My porn addiction is making it worse

[locketofroses]

I'm 19 now, and first started watching porn when I was 15. I knew it would become an addiction when I started, but to be honest.. I didn't care. At the time I was constantly one more frustration away from suicide, so an addiction didn't seem like a big deal when I presumed I'd be dead by the end of the year. The problem is I wasn't. It's been 4 years and I'm still here.

I have spent 4 years going down rabbit holes on Reddit, discovering kinks I didn't even know existed. There were a couple I had already developed naturally from trauma prior to this, and those were fine. But now I don't even know what caused some of these. Besides "I watched too much content about it" I have no explanation. That is the explanation.

It's at a point that I've watched things I think are objectively disgusting normally, but I completely forget that in the moment. Worse is I'm actually against porn because of the amount of trafficking and rape that goes on in the industry. I'm supporting something horrible, even if indirectly through unmonetized platforms, and I hate myself for it.

I've tried to switch to only looking at stuff my boyfriend has sent me because theoretically it should be equivalent, and I know the source is 100% somebody who consented. (Not to mention somebody I actually love and know). But it never lasts. I love him, and I am absolutely attracted to him, but I always go back to Reddit eventually.

I know it's normal for people to kind of crash after a sexual experience because your body just hiked you up on a bunch of positive hormones. But this doesn't feel like that. It genuinely makes me feel disgusting, like I'm a horrible person, even increases suicidal thoughts. Because it's not just a fall back to my baseline, it's a realization that I just did something that is completely against my morals.

I've tried to stop so many times over the past 4 years. I can't no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I believe it's immoral. I really just don't know what to do anymore. I don't even really feel comfortable trying to find support because I'm a woman and all of that stuff is usually geared towards men, and it feels like there's way more shame and stigma tied to it when it's a woman.

 

[Dür Ktulhu]

This is simply the dark side -the black stains upon you, and that part of the soul which is drawn to them. A deformed, perverted side that you turn away from and suppress, but this war has lasted so long... Such wars leave scars. Over time, they stop hurting, and you grow accustomed to them. You learn to live without paying them any mind. But the war never ends - it only subsides. Perhaps the darkness must be accepted? It is your shadow- is there any point in running from it? This may surprise you, for shadows can take the most bizarre forms...

 

[Bootleg Astolfo]

Just watch something wholesome like Spice And Wolf 2024 instead of porn, it's great !

 

[Next]

What you're describing is something many people of all genders suffer from today.

Humans are mentally and physically designed for a calm, almost magical environment.

But today, we're being lured into unhealthy behaviors by professional, scientifically trained seducers. Sugar and hormones in food, oversized, high-calorie meals. And, as in your case and hundreds of thousands of others, a constant digital barrage that deliberately taps into our primal urges.

In Japan, there are men who no longer accept real-life women because they can't compete with the characters in manga.

Once you've fallen into this trap, it's very difficult to escape.

If you like I may show you some steps out.

 

[yume_]

Well, I don't want to ignore the fact that this addiction was a choice and I don't want to sound like I am just throwing the blame onto others, but you were/are a victim. Children should not have been exposed to this in any way. I think it kinda sucks that the time we live is so exposed to things like that, these sites didn't even use to have a age verification. Though these age verification are laughable, an "I am 18+" button anyone can click is just a façade to hide the fact that there's just so many minors accessing these sites.

I get you, I have the same problem, I am so disgusted by myself, I am so disappointed, I could've been so much better, I could've maybe not feel inferior to "normal" people.
I also hate this industry, I think everyone does, anyone who doesn't is just ignorant, this industry is genuinely horrible. As you have said trafficking and rape happens and there are even some cases of pornstars who ctb.

I also get suicidal thoughts because of that, especially because it was my choice, it still is to this day, this addiction just feels way less serious than others, like I sometimes think: " you have a porn addiction? Pfft that's nothing compared to a real addiction like drugs", I feel so guilty and weak for not being able to stop.

Well, I don't know if you want advice or not, but I am guessing that you could have support from your boyfriend? I don't know how your relationship works but having someone to support you is helpful and being sincere it's kinda hard to get support online as a women, specially because there are so many creeps online.

I really wished I had more advice but all I can do is wish you luck with that.