My plan…

[Catchthebusnow]

So it's not ideal but I guess it's never perfect.
I need to CTB asap. I live with my parents who watch me very carefully. My plan is to:
1. I've identified several Airbnb properties near me that are upper floors, like 20th floor, with balconies. I want to jump. Originally I wanted to jump from a parking garage or bridge or other high location but the problem is that I am extremely physically weak and have extremely weak wrists with carpal tunnel / tendinitis. Even a standard 42" barrier, I couldn't see how to get over it. I'm five feet. Am I missing something? So frustrating because I would read all these stories of people CTB'ing at all these different places and I'd check it out and there were places that didn't even have suicide fencing but I don't see any way I can possibly get over even a standard barrier! Unless I'm missing something? I mean I would read stories of older people CTB'ing off these things and they can't be very strong, right? Or maybe I'm just abnormally weak :( anyway so that pretty much eliminated any public jumping spot cuz any high spot is gonna have at least the standard railings right?? This rules out SO MANY OPTIONS!! It's so frustrating cuz I literally have no issues / hesitation / SI / fear about the jump itself it's just my stupid wrists! It's just getting over the barrier, like I have no qualms about the jump!
So then I have to do something a little trickier and more complicated. Idk if this is doomed to fail so I'm hoping someone can sanity check me. I CANNOT FAIL! So my plan is to wait until my mom goes out of town which she does every several months. Because I think she's more likely to hear me sneaking out than my dad. I'm gonna keep looking for AirBNB options till I have a massive list, such that once she announces her plans to go I can do a booking hoping at least one is available. It does seem like some looking at the availability now for instance aren't filled out for months and months or anything like that … And maybe by that time there'll be more available / I can look for more. So I have a bank account they have access to, and one they don't - they know about it but can't see it. It's a savings account so I guess I'll use Apple wallet or PayPal to pay for the Airbnb? Then I would have to be able to check in to the Airbnb in the middle of the night (I think a lot have some kind of self check in?) cuz the plan would be wait till my dads asleep, book an Uber, sneak out, get to the place, check in…from there hoping it'll be pretty simple, quickly grab a chair bring it over to the balcony railing, on chair, jump, done. All before my dad wakes up.

 

[tonicer]

Do you really want to leave your parents behind? I (43m) also plan on jumping but only after my parents are gone. Both are old (~80) and not in the best of health especially my dad he might die any day now and my mom has at best 10 years left. I am a patient person and my parents were always good to me. Are your parents not good to you? Loosing their child is going to be a huge trauma i wouldn't wish on my biggest enemy.

 

[nikolagorbachev]

Quite risky and if you fuck up you might end up paralysed. The better alternative would be, my personal favourite, using Nitrogen Asphyxiation and an exit bag. I understand you want to CTB asap but so do I. But I'd recommend you look into this method instead of jumping.

 

[Catchthebusnow]

Do you really want to leave your parents behind? I (43m) also plan on jumping but only after my parents are gone. Both are old (~80) and not in the best of health especially my dad he might die any day now and my mom has at best 10 years left. I am a patient person and my parents were always good to me. Are your parents not good to you? Loosing their child is going to be a huge trauma i wouldn't wish on my biggest enemy.

I know. My parents are the most amazing people in the world. The reason I'm doing this is because I am suffering - have been suffering - from a condition that is not really talked about, PSSD. Despite the name it is far more than enduring sexual symptoms after taking SSRIs. The condition was first called that because that was the first enduring symptom people reported. There's talks to change the name, because that's just the tip of the iceberg. Believe me if that was all it was for me I would not be CTB'ing. Basically, before I took the SSRI I was an Ivy League student with mild anxiety. now, I'm not even taking the SSRI anymore, but what happens is in a susceptible subsection of those who take SSRIs, it triggers changes that are severe and often irreversible. Basically, far from just increasing serotonin, SSRIs act in ways that even those who study them don't fully understand. The brain is so complex, and SSRIs can cause widespread receptor desensitization, alterations in signaling networks, affecting vast and varied regions of the brain, impacting a whole host of other neurotransmitters beyond serotonin, because everything is connected, and the brain will up regulate, down regulate, do all sorts of things to try to push back continually against the SSRI acting on it. One thing gets suppressed / dialed down which in turn affects another thing, and so on so forth. There is so much we don't know about these drugs … and basically what happens in PSSD is like an extreme enduring form of the emotional blunting that many people get on the SSRI. The SSRI has altered my very self. It has completely extinguished my emotions. It turned them off. Completely. I wasn't like this before. I experience zero emotions. Zero. Zip. No feeling of love, compassion, empathy, joy, sadness, fight or flight, anxiety, panic, stress, anger. Nothing. It's hard to comprehend unless you are experiencing it. Instead, my brain remains locked in a never ending horrific chemical nothingness state imposed on me against my will. Because it's all neurochemical. I'm not choosing this. I'm not choosing to have it such that someone can be suffering in front of me and I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. I can't cry. I can't laugh. I can't think. I don't feel. My brain is numb. I feel a constant sensation of a block of cement with pinching heavy pressure behind my forehead and burning, stabbing needle-like crawling sensations throughout my brain. And I don't even take the drug anymore. It's thought that it's because the changes occur at the epigenetic level, which means they often just … persist. And, that means that there aren't good treatments for it, because we can't just unwind these types of changes in the brain at the level of tons of domino effect changes on neurotransmitters, receptors, signaling, networks, etc. Literally people will just say uh…wait and see maybe you'll get a tiny bit back, maybe not. like…what??

I'm literally not human because of this life wrecking drug. If you go online you can read so many stories of people on the websites of organizations and how this happened to them. I would rather have anything over this. Horrible depression, anxiety, basically if you said to me would you rather have the most horrible imaginable physical or mental pain that is possible to inflict on a human over this, I would say yes in a heartbeat. I can't live in a state where my brain and body literally do not react, do not generate emotions, to anything, to anyone, any situation, nothing. It's like just being something that can move and is alive but that's it. On top of that because emotions are so important to cognition, many PSSD sufferers suffer from horrific cognitive effects as well. I can sound coherent and then immediately forget what I just did, said, things that just happened. My cognition is wrecked. I cannot work, I cannot feel emotions. And basically PSSD sufferers end up either trying various remedies for decades while they alienate everyone around them because who can understand this? It's like oh try to do something that makes you feel positive - my brain does not generate positive emotions anymore. It used to - for dogs, music, hobbies, friends, family, etc. But now, it just feels that same unchanging unyielding chemical nothingness. I'm not down. I'm not sad I'm not depressed. My brain doesn't generate negative emotions either. It's an absence. There's no body sensation. This condition often causes physical symptoms some of which are shared with conditions like long covid, like the dulling of senses. My body is numb, like I can't feel sensations. I don't feel temperature or texture. I don't feel hungry or full or thirsty. I can't even feel my own heartbeat, I don't feel internal body sensations. My sense of smell and taste have been dulled to nearly non existent, my vision is always dulled and cloudy, and my hearing is like being underwater. I will not live this way, where each day is like an inhuman nightmare that yet doesn't feel like a nightmare because I can't even feel distressed about my own inability to feel distress. It's like, I feel totally calm about the fact that I have no emotions, it can't even trigger an emotion. The whole thing is so messed up. My parents are trying to understand but what kind of relationship are we going to have ten, twenty years down the line, what kind of relationship does one have with someone who is incapable of feeling human emotion? Who can't get excited, feel joy, feel sad, experience grief, mourn, experience fear? I can't really fully explain or capture what this state is, but basically if it was anything else I would not be doing this. I can't think my way out of this, I can't take a drug to make it go away, I can't talk to my loved ones or be grateful or be positive or any of those things that people rely on for depression and anxiety because this is a different beast entirely. It has destroyed my entire being, my soul, my personality, ME. I look in the mirror and don't recognize who I am. Im not a person. Im not going to continue on in this inhuman state imposed on me against my will. I know my parents will be devastated, but me going on like this will be kind of like me being dead for decades while still technically alive - devastating too, I think more so, actually. At least now I can do one thing for myself and leave, while people still remember who I was before this happened … and the crazy thing too is that I don't even feel the rage and sadness and guilt and terror and depression and desperation that people generally feel, that fuels them to CTB. This apathy and indifference actually makes it hard to implement any kind of plan because my body doesn't generate any stress response, fight or flight, adrenaline (it sounds crazy but this is what happens to people, people with PSSD report feeling totally calm in life threatening situations, because the brain and body are numbed out) but i actually think the one way this will come in handy is for the jump, since i wont get any feeling of fear or terror or "jelly" feeling about it. Oh and also this isn't an impulsive thing - it's been a long time coming. I can't feel anything for my parents, my parents who when I was younger just the thought of something happening to them would send me into spasms, now it's like something could happen to them and I would feel nothing because of what this drug did to my brain. It's basically a chemical lobotomy. This is the right path for me, I can't change the past if I could obviously I never would have touched the stuff, but I can control my future. And I'm not going to spend years and years trying this experimental thing, that experimental thing, only to have one make things worse (if that's even possible) I mean PSSD sufferers literally try hundreds of experimental treatments that's what their life becomes, and even that has a slim chance of even getting back a small portion of the way they were pre-SSRI. I choose no to that, I'm choosing CTB while I can. And in a weird way as I said I actually think the alternative would be worse for my parents, because PSSD is so … like it makes you so alien from humanity that I actually think having that drag on and on would be worse for my parents. Like not understanding fully what's happened to me and not being able to fix it and not even being able to like offer love and comfort because I can't feel their love and comfort.

 

[Catchthebusnow]

Quite risky and if you fuck up you might end up paralysed. The better alternative would be, my personal favourite, using Nitrogen Asphyxiation and an exit bag. I understand you want to CTB asap but so do I. But I'd recommend you look into this method instead of jumping.

It just, like I've also considered hanging but that felt riskier to me. Cuz it feels so hard to get technically right that I thought what if I do it in the night so it's not like I get discovered or anything, but I do it wrong and end up with some kind of damage where it's obvious I tried to CTB and then I'll be committed and lose any chance to try again…like what if once I go unconscious I do something and it messes the whole thing up …
and the whole process of obtaining N/SN seemed risky too like the dark web and then if they show up to the house for a wellness check?? And then again if I do something while unconscious that messes the whole thing up but some damage has been done such that it's obvious I tried to CTB?
That's why I liked jumping…and I thought 20th floor would be pretty much fatal? It just felt quick and final, nothing to mess up, no technical knowledge needed. Like as long as I can make it to the Airbnb, from the minute I step into it, CTB can be over in minutes … that is so appealing

 

[tonicer]

I know. My parents are the most amazing people in the world. The reason I'm doing this is because I am suffering - have been suffering - from a condition that is not really talked about, PSSD. Despite the name it is far more than enduring sexual symptoms after taking SSRIs. The condition was first called that because that was the first enduring symptom people reported. There's talks to change the name, because that's just the tip of the iceberg. Believe me if that was all it was for me I would not be CTB'ing. Basically, before I took the SSRI I was an Ivy League student with mild anxiety. now, I'm not even taking the SSRI anymore, but what happens is in a susceptible subsection of those who take SSRIs, it triggers changes that are severe and often irreversible. Basically, far from just increasing serotonin, SSRIs act in ways that even those who study them don't fully understand. The brain is so complex, and SSRIs can cause widespread receptor desensitization, alterations in signaling networks, affecting vast and varied regions of the brain, impacting a whole host of other neurotransmitters beyond serotonin, because everything is connected, and the brain will up regulate, down regulate, do all sorts of things to try to push back continually against the SSRI acting on it. One thing gets suppressed / dialed down which in turn affects another thing, and so on so forth. There is so much we don't know about these drugs … and basically what happens in PSSD is like an extreme enduring form of the emotional blunting that many people get on the SSRI. The SSRI has altered my very self. It has completely extinguished my emotions. It turned them off. Completely. I wasn't like this before. I experience zero emotions. Zero. Zip. No feeling of love, compassion, empathy, joy, sadness, fight or flight, anxiety, panic, stress, anger. Nothing. It's hard to comprehend unless you are experiencing it. Instead, my brain remains locked in a never ending horrific chemical nothingness state imposed on me against my will. Because it's all neurochemical. I'm not choosing this. I'm not choosing to have it such that someone can be suffering in front of me and I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. I can't cry. I can't laugh. I can't think. I don't feel. My brain is numb. I feel a constant sensation of a block of cement with pinching heavy pressure behind my forehead and burning, stabbing needle-like crawling sensations throughout my brain. And I don't even take the drug anymore. It's thought that it's because the changes occur at the epigenetic level, which means they often just … persist. And, that means that there aren't good treatments for it, because we can't just unwind these types of changes in the brain at the level of tons of domino effect changes on neurotransmitters, receptors, signaling, networks, etc. Literally people will just say uh…wait and see maybe you'll get a tiny bit back, maybe not. like…what??

I'm literally not human because of this life wrecking drug. If you go online you can read so many stories of people on the websites of organizations and how this happened to them. I would rather have anything over this. Horrible depression, anxiety, basically if you said to me would you rather have the most horrible imaginable physical or mental pain that is possible to inflict on a human over this, I would say yes in a heartbeat. I can't live in a state where my brain and body literally do not react, do not generate emotions, to anything, to anyone, any situation, nothing. It's like just being something that can move and is alive but that's it. On top of that because emotions are so important to cognition, many PSSD sufferers suffer from horrific cognitive effects as well. I can sound coherent and then immediately forget what I just did, said, things that just happened. My cognition is wrecked. I cannot work, I cannot feel emotions. And basically PSSD sufferers end up either trying various remedies for decades while they alienate everyone around them because who can understand this? It's like oh try to do something that makes you feel positive - my brain does not generate positive emotions anymore. It used to - for dogs, music, hobbies, friends, family, etc. But now, it just feels that same unchanging unyielding chemical nothingness. I'm not down. I'm not sad I'm not depressed. My brain doesn't generate negative emotions either. It's an absence. There's no body sensation. This condition often causes physical symptoms some of which are shared with conditions like long covid, like the dulling of senses. My body is numb, like I can't feel sensations. I don't feel temperature or texture. I don't feel hungry or full or thirsty. I can't even feel my own heartbeat, I don't feel internal body sensations. My sense of smell and taste have been dulled to nearly non existent, my vision is always dulled and cloudy, and my hearing is like being underwater. I will not live this way, where each day is like an inhuman nightmare that yet doesn't feel like a nightmare because I can't even feel distressed about my own inability to feel distress. It's like, I feel totally calm about the fact that I have no emotions, it can't even trigger an emotion. The whole thing is so messed up. My parents are trying to understand but what kind of relationship are we going to have ten, twenty years down the line, what kind of relationship does one have with someone who is incapable of feeling human emotion? Who can't get excited, feel joy, feel sad, experience grief, mourn, experience fear? I can't really fully explain or capture what this state is, but basically if it was anything else I would not be doing this. I can't think my way out of this, I can't take a drug to make it go away, I can't talk to my loved ones or be grateful or be positive or any of those things that people rely on for depression and anxiety because this is a different beast entirely. It has destroyed my entire being, my soul, my personality, ME. I look in the mirror and don't recognize who I am. Im not a person. Im not going to continue on in this inhuman state imposed on me against my will. I know my parents will be devastated, but me going on like this will be kind of like me being dead for decades while still technically alive - devastating too, I think more so, actually. At least now I can do one thing for myself and leave, while people still remember who I was before this happened … and the crazy thing too is that I don't even feel the rage and sadness and guilt and terror and depression and desperation that people generally feel, that fuels them to CTB. This apathy and indifference actually makes it hard to implement any kind of plan because my body doesn't generate any stress response, fight or flight, adrenaline (it sounds crazy but this is what happens to people, people with PSSD report feeling totally calm in life threatening situations, because the brain and body are numbed out) but i actually think the one way this will come in handy is for the jump, since i wont get any feeling of fear or terror or "jelly" feeling about it. Oh and also this isn't an impulsive thing - it's been a long time coming. I can't feel anything for my parents, my parents who when I was younger just the thought of something happening to them would send me into spasms, now it's like something could happen to them and I would feel nothing because of what this drug did to my brain. It's basically a chemical lobotomy. This is the right path for me, I can't change the past if I could obviously I never would have touched the stuff, but I can control my future. And I'm not going to spend years and years trying this experimental thing, that experimental thing, only to have one make things worse (if that's even possible) I mean PSSD sufferers literally try hundreds of experimental treatments that's what their life becomes, and even that has a slim chance of even getting back a small portion of the way they were pre-SSRI. I choose no to that, I'm choosing CTB while I can. And in a weird way as I said I actually think the alternative would be worse for my parents, because PSSD is so … like it makes you so alien from humanity that I actually think having that drag on and on would be worse for my parents. Like not understanding fully what's happened to me and not being able to fix it and not even being able to like offer love and comfort because I can't feel their love and comfort.

That's truly terrible, it's like you are already dead on the inside. Besides that you sound like you know a lot about this topic and researched it thoroughly.
While i can't feel joy or happiness anymore for some reason i still feel angry or sad or hungry etc. but that appears to be something else entirely since i never took such drugs.
I guess you are right and there is no other way out of this.
I hope your plan works and you find the peace you seek. <3

 

[Catchthebusnow]

That's truly terrible, it's like you are already dead on the inside. Besides that you sound like you know a lot about this topic and researched it thoroughly.
While i can't feel joy or happiness anymore for some reason i still feel angry or sad or hungry etc. but that appears to be something else entirely since i never took such drugs.
I guess you are right and there is no other way out of this.
I hope your plan works and you find the peace you seek. <3

Thank you so so much. I truly have considered this from every angle. There's a reason so many PSSD sufferers end up turning to suicide - they've already basically died. It's truly messed up that I can't even feel distressed or upset about what's happened to me. This drug took my soul. The interesting thing is that I'm not CTB'ing to escape pain. I'm doing it to escape a state where I have been rendered neurochemically incapable of experiencing pain, like in the type of way that makes us human.
If you don't mind me asking, since you said you are also wanting to jump - do you have any thoughts on my plan? I really really really need to succeed. Thank you so much

 

[tonicer]

If you don't mind me asking, since you said you are also wanting to jump - do you have any thoughts on my plan? I really really really need to succeed. Thank you so much

I think your plan sounds good. Sad to see such a smart person go but if you see no other way i hope the afterlife treats you well. Maybe send me sign if you can. I am fascinated by what happens next. Is it all just a simulation or a dream or what?!

 

[Catchthebusnow]

I think your plan sounds good. Sad to see such a smart person go but if you see no other way i hope the afterlife treats you well. Maybe send me sign if you can. I am fascinated by what happens next. Is it all just a simulation or a dream or what?!

Thank you! I will lol! Really appreciate everyone here. I hope everyone here gets what they are seeking