My overthinking makes me depressed yet it also keeps me alive.

[romeinjuly]

I have been severely depressed and suicidal on-and-off for almost 7 years now.

I also have over-researched suicide methods, and I can't stop overthinking all the things that could go wrong.

I got deep into this topic, and the countless risks for every single suicide method available continue to stop me.

Even with the SN method, I'm so afraid that I'll throw up, or worse.. choke on my own vomit or something.. since you need a prescription for antiematics and I don't really know how to get one without causing suspicion. Obviously there's no way to predict how your body will react beforehand and it's not like you get a free-trial.

I don't want to die struggling and suffering, and I don't want to fail and end up a pariah, or considered a crazy person for the rest of my life, or worse with a serious disability.

I wish I lived in a country where I could easily buy a gun... but damn, people survive even gunshots to the head and it's gruesome and terrifying.

Honestly I feel like the best suicide prevention method is simply... REALLY thinking long and hard about what suicide really entails and the million of ways it could go wrong and make things so unbelievably worse. It's not a coincidence that the majority of suicides and suicide attempts happen on impulse. I honestly think the best route is probably to just get all the things you need ready and make it as easy and quick as possible for you to access them and execute your plan, and just hope and pray that you will really kill yourself when that strong urge takes over you. Does that make sense?

But for me, that's just not realistic. I can't kill myself when I live with other people who would try to stop me and/or be devastated upon finding me dead.

If someone could assure me that a peaceful and quick death was possible and available to me, if I could just fall asleep and never regain consciousness and awareness, disappear without leaving a trace, I'd do it right this second.

I'm disgusted by the cowardly and pathetic person I have grown up to be. I can't even put myself out of my own misery.

I wish fear didn't paralize me and cripple me so much in life, and even hindered the possibility of death.

I'm just tired. I'm so tired. I don't wanna fight anymore.

(Forgive me for ranting)

 

[Celerity]

It is so exhausting. Your mind runs around and around not unlike a hamster on a wheel. You described this as a rant here, and I don't want to give unsolicited advice, but I do want to push back on the idea that you are a coward.

We only get this one life! That fact doesn't seem remarkable because every person on this earth gets the same deal, but how could you not think through all of the consequences of CTB? To do otherwise would not give the question the attention it deserves. You are neither a coward for contemplating suicide or backing out. You are just doing the best you can in terrible circumstances. I am sorry that it has come to this point for you, and I hope things change for the better.