DeusVult
Member
- Aug 18, 2024
- 8
I bought a Nitrogen tank and prepared it for use. I was feeling suicidal for a while, the depression getting worse, as I was being abused by my neighbors and a random stranger. Abusive people have always been attracted towards me since childhood. I've always just wanted to be left alone, never did anything to be seen by others, never annoyed anyone, but people never left me alone, they enjoy making others suffer. No attempt to deescalate the harm has ever worked, the violence just goes on for years without them stopping. Eventually I felt ready to end things, I couldn't take it anymore.
I never had anything that would make me happy, but so many things to make me feel pain daily. I started to cry, deciding for the last time whether I am going to die tonight, my soul completely crushed, I see no way out. I was crying to much, like there's no tomorrow. But in this state of hopelessness, I did what I never could before, I decided to ask for help for the first time, and I called my family and cried, telling them I can't take it anymore. They came to pick me up and drove me to a psych ward, where I spent a few months, and came back again almost immediately after being released, now to a different psych ward, for another few months.
I never had much of a connection to my family, we spoke briefly once a year, I always told them things were fine, and that's it. My experience at psych wards was mostly positive, it was a bit like prison and a kindergarten in one. I talked to a lot of psychiatrists, tried a bunch of pills, and met loads of people in similar situations. It was nice to openly discuss my pain and receive care for the first time ever. It can also be rough there, some people in there are pretty crazy, and might share a room with them. I don't know if the pills help or not, I feel similar as before, still empty and sad, but my view on life has changed, and I try to live with myself. I no longer have my Nitrogen tank, when suicidal thoughts come I think I'd use a rope these days, if it came to it. I moved away from my previous abusive apartment, to a somewhat calm location, still annoyed with my neighbors though.
If you're feeling suicidal, consider doing the unthinkable and asking the closest person in your family for help. Give psych wards a try, it's nice to just chill there for a few months, away from regular stressful life. Think of it as a vacation. Don't expect much from pills. But try to make friends there, talk with other patients, play some board games, etc. I even met a girl there, who I still talk to and sometimes visit her. She's much worse on it than me, she's anorexic, and will take potentially years to get better. But we help each other get through it.
I never had anything that would make me happy, but so many things to make me feel pain daily. I started to cry, deciding for the last time whether I am going to die tonight, my soul completely crushed, I see no way out. I was crying to much, like there's no tomorrow. But in this state of hopelessness, I did what I never could before, I decided to ask for help for the first time, and I called my family and cried, telling them I can't take it anymore. They came to pick me up and drove me to a psych ward, where I spent a few months, and came back again almost immediately after being released, now to a different psych ward, for another few months.
I never had much of a connection to my family, we spoke briefly once a year, I always told them things were fine, and that's it. My experience at psych wards was mostly positive, it was a bit like prison and a kindergarten in one. I talked to a lot of psychiatrists, tried a bunch of pills, and met loads of people in similar situations. It was nice to openly discuss my pain and receive care for the first time ever. It can also be rough there, some people in there are pretty crazy, and might share a room with them. I don't know if the pills help or not, I feel similar as before, still empty and sad, but my view on life has changed, and I try to live with myself. I no longer have my Nitrogen tank, when suicidal thoughts come I think I'd use a rope these days, if it came to it. I moved away from my previous abusive apartment, to a somewhat calm location, still annoyed with my neighbors though.
If you're feeling suicidal, consider doing the unthinkable and asking the closest person in your family for help. Give psych wards a try, it's nice to just chill there for a few months, away from regular stressful life. Think of it as a vacation. Don't expect much from pills. But try to make friends there, talk with other patients, play some board games, etc. I even met a girl there, who I still talk to and sometimes visit her. She's much worse on it than me, she's anorexic, and will take potentially years to get better. But we help each other get through it.
