Your suicidal feelings are not your fault. It is merely that some people are susceptible to such emotions. Some people feel emotions intensely and that's okay. I believe that if your sister struggled with the same emotions that you did, that she probably couldn't be as productive in cleaning as she was. It's very likely that her skill may not come from some magic innate talent but from mere practice and state of health. It is so so hard to clean and do things when you feel sucked of energy. Suicidal emotions can suck the energy out of you. And you did not want this to be the case, and so you did not intend for it; and so you are not to blame for it :)
I feel you on "i have so many nice things in my life and therefore my despair is my fault god im so fucking stupid". When we have certain privileges in our lives, we can easily end up pinning all our blame on us. But maybe it's not our existence that is the issue, maybe we just haven't built up the skills we need to succeed yet. There is something holding you back. And it's not your fault for struggling. Perhaps it may be within your control or out of your control, but whatever it is, any mitigation for it is still meaningful.
They can just get up and do it. I'm the one fucked up.
One of these days my friend, that too will be within your grasp. It is a long way but it is a possible way.
Is it because the person I met is married, and I know nothing will ever come of it? No... I'm not dating material.
Telling yourself 'no' to things that you want can unfortunately be harmful to our lives. What if you meet a new person that you fall in love with again just as you did with this person? And you don't need to be perfect to get in a good relationship, as well ;) It's very possible that you will find someone who's ok with your flaws, even the flaws you can't sit right with. May seem like wishful thinking, but it's simply too possible to write out, in my view :)
The same place that I can't figure out how to organize, clean, and make my own. The same place that I've lived in for years, and not once have I given a home to the majority of the things I own.
I know you feel alienated from your home. I assure you the struggles of organizing and cleaning are very real and very hellish. And there are ways of overcoming this hellish alienation from upkeep as well.
There are things more important in life than cleaning, my friend! There is so much more to life than cleaning :) Being able to work towards your own life despite insane struggles of despair and suicide is a
far more impressive skill than cleaning quickly. You have virtues that your siblings do not have, that is, being able to stay alive despite voracious urges to die. That is far more poetic, crucial, and practical to living a good life, than any efficiency of cleaning may be.
It gives me happiness to know you are seeing a therapist whom you find helpful. You made the right decision to do that. You
are capable of doing nice things for yourself :) because you found yourself a therapist. That's no small feat.
If you don't feel comfy talking about the scary word 'SUICIDE' with your therapist, you can just tell her about all the things that are
making you suicidal and just say "these things make me feel super super awful. can you please help me?" instead. I am sure she cares for your wellbeing and wants you to feel better.
You are already doing a lot of good things for yourself, and doing a lot of things right; even if you also feel aware of mistakes you've made. Sometimes we forget the things we do right and become enpained by all the mistakes we make. But we're not black and white beings. We are both. We're not 'good people' or 'bad people', we're just... people.
I shouldn't feel this way... I'm in therapy!
Ah!–but it's okay to feel that way! It's a sign of being a person highly in tune with emotion and life, who truly wants to live and is willing to put in work to make it happen, even if they're not completely sure of it. Well I want to tell you friend: it's okay to not be fully sure about things. You don't have to be fully sure about things to have them be valid :) I'm sure there have been many beneficial acts and discoveries throughout humanity where the discoverer wasn't so sure. But it still worked. because if you know the right choice, and you do it, then all theoretical concerns fly out the window. If it works... it works! ^^
She hasn't sent me to the hospital yet. She hasn't sent me to That Man*. I really am just broken.
to quote another user on this forum;
Simply expressing suicidal thoughts it not grounds to be sent to a ward or anything like that. Any vaguely competent therapist should be able to distinguish between someone struggling with suicidal ideation, and someone who is about to drink bleach or jump off a bridge. Finding a decent therapist can be a bit of a pain, depending on where you are, and on your circumstances. But I can certainly recommend trying. Probably wouldn't be here typing this if it weren't for that.
Therapists will not send you to a psych ward merely for possessing suicidal thoughts, I assure you :)
I mean, if you tell them that "I'm gonna do myself in tomorrow and I'm thinking of doing it
like this (descriptions of methods, dangerously close planning dates)" then obviously that might raise an eyebrow. But merely
feeling suicidal at times will
not cause your therapist to involuntarily commit you, at all. The only grounds for involuntary commission is if they a) have a method ready to go and b) seem intent on using it. Like if I tell them "yeah i'm going to go strap a nuke to my chest and explode myself into a million pieces" then they're totally going to try and beat me to the punch to stop me from doing that. But
if I say "well... sometimes I think everything would be better if I strapped a nuke to my chest and exploded it because I feel so suffocated by my daily life... BUT I don't own a nuke and am not so sure about all this, and I know it might not be a good idea",
THEN there's practically no way you'll get IVC'd over that. That's simply how the code of therapists function. IVC'ng to them is a last resort and they know it fucks up trust, so they don't want to do it unless they think that they have to choose between IVC'ng and death of a client.
But that's not your situation. It seems like you are actually very aware of what specifically is struggling you and you seem very aware of how these things make you feel. That is far better than most. Most people aren't as good at analyzing their struggles as you are here (my apologies if it seems like flattery, this is just what I observe). This [post] is very well put. You know what, I think it would be a great idea if you took this post, rewrote it a bit, then showed that writeup to your therapist the next time to see them. I think it would be a highly productive session! Here, have a little draft of what it
could look like. (Btw feel free to use this if you want to!)
I've been living the best I can. A lot of things have been going well. But... I still feel awful. I don't know why.
RELATIONSHIPS
I've met someone amazing. Is it because the person I met is married, and I know nothing will ever come of it? No... I'm not dating material.
JOB
I have an okay job that gives me the flexibility to study and practice the passion I have. But it feels volatile, unsecured, and chaotic. I feel like I don't have anything marketable. Sometimes I feel like I should just accept this.
PASSION
I've started a passion I've wanted to pursue. But I feel I've lost motivation for this passion that I finally got, that I know I really wanted for myself. This isn't the first time I've stopped something that meant a lot to me. Why do I feel like this? Is it because of my job?
MY PLACE (1)
I'm able to afford my own place, and I feel alright about that. The same place that I can't figure out how to organize, clean, and make my own. The same place that I've lived in for years, and not once have I given a home to the majority of the things I own.
MY PLACE (2)
And more about my place. My sister, who has moved in temporarily, has done a better job cleaning my place, and she did it within a weekend... no, she did it in less than a day. She's really good at that, though. Why are by brother and her so good at just... doing things. They don't need medication, or outside help, or anything to do what they want. They can just get up and do it. I'm the one fucked up. Why can't I be like that?
FEELINGS
I should be happy... right? I should feel okay... right? I shouldn't feel like I'm dying inside...still... right? Then why? Why do I still feel the way I feel? Why do I even feel like this? I shouldn't feel this way... I'm in therapy! I'm so sorry about all this. I know we talk about everything and it really does feel helpful but I don't know why everything is still so difficult. I tell you when I'm having bad days. And you really do help. I think I really am just broken.
I am sure something like this (doesn't have to be this one, hah; just a mockup of what it
could look somewhat like) would be a
great template for working further with your emotions;
especially with your therapist.
Please continue working with your therapist. You know what your struggles are and I think you have a great shot at living better. I am very hopeful for you honestly and I think you will experience honest and real progress that may not be instant but will genuinely give you solaces here and there. This is difficult but not impossible. Thank you for reading this. I say you certainly have it in you. Please take care of yourself <3
