Story My last post... My last will

[Michelstaedter]

I will use this thread to write about some personal matter, some thought, or something that might serve to entertain, to chat while I find my way to "nothingness".

Over the past year, I've reflected on my life. I don't think it's been bad; I don't suffer from chronic illnesses, nor am I old (mid-30). But I do feel the pain of others, the suffering of humans and animals. I see existence itself as inevitable suffering, where 90% will be suffering and the other 10% more or less regular satisfactions. Wealthy people might increase that range by 20%, but in general, they too will suffer, and suffering is usually worse when they've been accustomed to satisfaction, so it's not positive at all.

Sooner or later I will die, perhaps I won't even realize it, in the best case I will leave with a certain satisfaction remembering the good times and I will have that "tunnel vision" where many memories will pass and everything will be like a movie, somewhat tragic and bitter.

In the past, I sought a girlfriend, I eagerly searched and wanted to be with a woman, to have children. I believe that in some way it was the "biological calling" telling me to follow that path to fulfill the natural course of life. Society (unnatural) somehow erased me as a candidate to leave a legacy because I am not interesting, nor attractive, especially in the economic aspect, so the next step is to die... To be born, to develop, to reproduce and to die.

I'll write a short book, a pessimistic novella, to show that life is a bitch. Living isn't great, because we tend to distract ourselves from the pain and boredom with various things, but when we face what's fundamental, we fall apart. Average people often express this, saying they "want to be more optimistic," because that's proof that in the end we all go through that winding path that makes us see life as it is, and that ultimately one can cope with comforting beliefs or face it and suffer until the end, perhaps, like me, extracting as much satisfaction as possible until you become anhedonic and insensitive to pleasure...

I hope, miraculously, to find a painless method to end this; it will be a good ending if so.

 

[Michelstaedter]

I'm going for a walk. Sometimes I dream I can fly. I don't know if any of you have this, but they're the most pleasant dreams I can have. I dream I go from house to house, especially at night. I can go from one place to another, free. It's a wonderful and calming feeling.

Later I'll share a symbolic photo of some place I've been... Don't expect much, I'm not a good photographer and my shots are usually haphazard, so it might be rare to see something like this xd

 

[Michelstaedter]

The place is a bit lonely; you only see cars and cars crossing to go from one side of the city to the other, since it is one of the main roads to get to any part of the city (ring road).

Spoiler

That road brings back some memories, because about seven months ago I got incredibly drunk. Even though it was a family celebration, I got more drunk than I'd ever been. Because of some health issues I have, I had a blackout, and all I remember is waking up with a splitting headache, dizziness, and a terrible hangover. During that drive, the sun seemed to shine three times brighter than usual.

Spoiler

Halfway there, a sense of loneliness sets in. People return from work tired, their existential motives generally vague, driven only by the impulse to "keep going." And finally, the city falls silent, allowing people to vent their frustrations at home, whether positively or negatively.

I should point out that this area marks the border between Mexico City and the State of Mexico.

Spoiler

Finally, evening falls, many people come, many people go. I am merely a silent witness to this faded world, where routines remain the same, only the people change, and their mindsets a little. Life is lived for the sake of living, bittersweet existences, with a few good moments; the bad ones are a constant presence throughout life, yet most people want to keep living, they fear death.

Spoiler