pieceoffox
Member
- Mar 12, 2026
- 6
Hello!!
I've only been on this forum for a short time, but I'd like to tell you a little about myself.
I'm a 19-year-old guy from Russia, and I'm a programmer.
My whole life, I've felt like an unnecessary detail in this world. For as long as I can remember, I've always felt uncomfortable.
As a child, I fantasized about getting an incurable disease so that someone would pay attention to me and take care of me. Now, I also find it a little comforting that after my death, people might mourn me. I think it's very selfish, but it's already a part of me.
Since childhood, I've been a very withdrawn and anxious person, which is why I constantly experience problems both in communicating with people and in many other areas of my life.
It's very difficult and scary for me to express myself in any way, even on the forum, but I hope to fit in with the community, because only here can I connect with like-minded people and fellow sufferers. I want to consider this post a starting point in my time here.
I think the main factor in worsening my problems was the school bullying that followed me throughout my entire school career. Now I'm afraid to trust other people, and I expect terrible treatment from the start, because I consider myself unworthy of good treatment.
I've never loved myself. Despite all my efforts to change, I continue to hate myself and the fact that I exist.
My only social circle consists of a few people online with whom I'm friends. I genuinely don't understand why they want to talk to me; they can find better people than me.
The country I live in also kills me. I'll never be able to fully open up to people because I'm a member of the queer community, and everyone around me is predominantly radically homophobic.
There are moments when I feel a little better, but they last only a very short time, and they get shorter each time. I see a psychiatrist and take medication, but I don't feel any improvement; I'm only getting worse.
I'm tired of my life, and the thought of suicide has haunted me for years, as the only possible way to end my suffering.
Every night I fall asleep wishing I never woke up. Every morning I wake up disappointed in yet another night.
To move on, I have to exert a great deal of energy.
I haven't attempted suicide yet; I only engage in self-harm, but I'm certain that suicide will be the logical end of my life. I don't know when exactly it will happen, but it will happen.
The existence of this forum gives me some comfort, because I know I'm not alone.
Thank you to everyone for reading my introduction <3
I've only been on this forum for a short time, but I'd like to tell you a little about myself.
I'm a 19-year-old guy from Russia, and I'm a programmer.
My whole life, I've felt like an unnecessary detail in this world. For as long as I can remember, I've always felt uncomfortable.
As a child, I fantasized about getting an incurable disease so that someone would pay attention to me and take care of me. Now, I also find it a little comforting that after my death, people might mourn me. I think it's very selfish, but it's already a part of me.
Since childhood, I've been a very withdrawn and anxious person, which is why I constantly experience problems both in communicating with people and in many other areas of my life.
It's very difficult and scary for me to express myself in any way, even on the forum, but I hope to fit in with the community, because only here can I connect with like-minded people and fellow sufferers. I want to consider this post a starting point in my time here.
I think the main factor in worsening my problems was the school bullying that followed me throughout my entire school career. Now I'm afraid to trust other people, and I expect terrible treatment from the start, because I consider myself unworthy of good treatment.
I've never loved myself. Despite all my efforts to change, I continue to hate myself and the fact that I exist.
My only social circle consists of a few people online with whom I'm friends. I genuinely don't understand why they want to talk to me; they can find better people than me.
The country I live in also kills me. I'll never be able to fully open up to people because I'm a member of the queer community, and everyone around me is predominantly radically homophobic.
There are moments when I feel a little better, but they last only a very short time, and they get shorter each time. I see a psychiatrist and take medication, but I don't feel any improvement; I'm only getting worse.
I'm tired of my life, and the thought of suicide has haunted me for years, as the only possible way to end my suffering.
Every night I fall asleep wishing I never woke up. Every morning I wake up disappointed in yet another night.
To move on, I have to exert a great deal of energy.
I haven't attempted suicide yet; I only engage in self-harm, but I'm certain that suicide will be the logical end of my life. I don't know when exactly it will happen, but it will happen.
The existence of this forum gives me some comfort, because I know I'm not alone.
Thank you to everyone for reading my introduction <3
