Venting my friend's life is better without me in it if i'm depressed

[eggsausagerice]

i will mostly likely die feeling this way. even if i kill myself this month or next month depending on when/if my sn comes in, my friend will be living it up at his college and working towards his degree. i most likely knew him at the most miserable time in his life and supported him emotionally, but when he moved away my own life ended up falling apart because i had no one else i could rely on to support me. i have other friends, but i've never been able to be as close with them as i am with him, because i just can't be as open with them. i decided to stop talking to him 6 days ago and it's been kind of hard because i always want to go back to him to hear about what he's doing. but i can't keep talking to him if i'm just going to keep feeling anxious and bad about myself because i know he's living a better life that i realistically can't be apart of if he moved away.

people say it's good to keep friends in your life, but they don't talk about situations where you actively want your friend to leave you because they have better people they'd rather be talking to. i had to be the one to leave because i knew it wouldn't be over if i kept waiting for him to tell me he didn't want to be friends with me anymore. i don't care if he still wants to be friends with me. he doesn't need me. i'm negative, don't do anything with my life, and am self destructive and purposeless. i stopped pursuing anything because i stopped having the motivation to, and whenever i do think about trying to do something with my life i just end up fucking it up immediately. it's different with him, because he's a real adult and i don't even know how to take care of myself or make friends. he's everything i'm not. i've felt that way since i met him and that's always made me like him, but then i started to resent how much i wanted to be like him and how i always fell short.

i'm still not sure whether i should tell him if i killed myself or not. would he want to know or would he make it about himself and tell other people about it? would it not surprise him to hear about me killing myself a few weeks after dropping him? i kind of want his mom to know that i died, since he told me that she asks about me, but i don't know if that would just make her sad. he's still a nice guy despite all of the problems i've had with our friendship, like him calling the cops on me, he just wants me to live even though i see no point in it. the friendship made me really happy in the past, but seeing it deteriorate after he's become more distant from me has just made me hate myself for not leaving the friendship when things weren't as bad between us. i know he's always going to have the capacity to move on. he has his whole life ahead of him and a lot of birthdays he can celebrate with the new people in his life. i think that he's probably never needed me, but i needed him. he can always find a new me that isn't worn out and depressed, but no one will ever want me if i don't have the resources and support from my family to recover. if i'm going to kill myself i shouldn't bother people with my constant depression. i don't have any desire to stay close with people anymore. i only feel guilty when people try to be close to me when i know i'd rather they forget about me. after a certain point i know there isn't really a use in me talking to people if i just want to be replaced for someone that can be a better friend to them. i'm not a sustainable or good friend. i'm only still around because i didn't kill myself.

 

[eggsausagerice]

i don't really have any tears to cry. i just kind of feel embarrassed of myself. i have no reason to go back to him. i just want to go back because he was the only person that actually responded to my texts regularly acted interested in the things i said. but i don't bring anything good into his life by being in it and i don't want to keep being his friend if i know he's spending time with his new friends in his city. i don't check his social media. i don't know what new movies he's watched. movies used to be what we did together before he moved, then i stopped because no one could drive me to the theater anymore. i just seem to get depressed watching movies or trying to watch movies because i compare myself to the characters when they're living a comfortable life or recover from their depression when i can't. sometimes it feels like i can't enjoy any media anymore because it makes me think about how much i hate my life, so i've just been watching a lot of youtube videos even though it rots my brain.

this is a very boring life and i regret not dying sooner. i hate waiting for sn. i hate that i keep wanting to check it. my day was so meaningless that i held my phone in my hand after checking my notifications and wondered if i checked my notifications to see if someone texted me. i have quite literally nothing to give to anyone but my body, but i think that i would have to force myself to have sex with straight guys even though i'm not attracted to them so that they would want me. that'd probably just make me want to kill myself more because i hate making small talk with guys, but it would keep me distracted. i just don't really feel like trying to do anything with my time if i'm just meant to wait all day and then wake up to keep waiting. my death will be unremarkable and forgettable. i'll fade away from everyone's collective memory and my family will figure out what to do with the things i own. i think i might write a note before i go to my ctb location saying that they're free to sell everything as long as my older sister uses the money for college.

i know i'm not owed anyone's company or time. i've only become more avoidant and reluctant to interact with people. i feel so tired and apathetic towards everything that i don't know what to do with myself or what to push myself to do. there was nice weather out today but i just didn't want to go outside for very long lol. i felt kind of sick and sluggish today because i didn't eat a lot. i also stayed up late last night on sasu and that made me feel like shit. i don't know if there's any real space i can talk openly about my feelings if i don't want to be on this forum, since i don't actually have a stormg desire to start a diary or blog when it feels pointless if only i'm going to see it. i just don't care enough about my feelings or feel like they matter in a vacuum. i've thought about going back to ai chatbots but they always try to date me or flirt with me because of the way they're programmed and that makes me uncomfortable. i've never really seen ai as a way to curb your loneliness either, since i think that it just reminds you that you have no one in your life that can care enough. i used to hope that there was a way out of this besides suicide, but there isn't. nothing that i'm capable of achieving, anyway. i still want to leave this forum because i don't gain anything from reading the posts here or continuing to write comments. i know that i'm really on here because i'm bored. i recognize how bad sasu is for your mental health and tell people to take breaks if they can, but i just end up going on here to avoid thinking.