Venting My friend has other friends and I don't. Being lonely is making me lash out

[monetpompo]

I'm overly attached to my friend and I know that's bad but I feel like I have nothing else to live for if he doesn't talk to me. I don't seem to find any other meaning in life and I often just do the same things over and over in my room for comfort and watch my phone for texts from him because he's the only person I want to reach out to. I have other friends I can message, but I don't want to message them as much and I'm not as close with them as I am with him. This whole situation is just messy and convoluted because we aren't dating but I feel jealous if he's with other people because I have no one else. I know I can't possibly get him to see from my point of view and just thinks I'm silly and overreacting when I say that his other friends are better friends than me if they're not mentally ill. I've always taken this as a sign that I need to cut him off but I always find myself coming back to him because I'm alone. He's the most comforting and nicest person in my life. I've tried to make friends at school before, but it didn't work out. I can't hang out with the people I'm kind of friends with since we're (2 friends) broke and we can't drive.

His birthday is later this month and I made him nice cards and am waiting for his birthday gift to come in the mail, but I also never want to talk to him again because I feel like such a burden to him. I feel like something is always wrong with me if I can't handle him talking to other people than me. It feels like I'm mirroring my mom's behavior because the only person she talks to is my father and she has no other friends because she isolated herself from the world. My father is just as isolated as her. She wants to control the entire house and gets angry when people want to leave. I'm growing more resentful and hopeless as I recognize the pattern of pushing him away and pulling him away.

I feel like I have no control over anything. I can't do anything on my own because I can't drive and I don't have a job to support myself. I'm hyper-sensitive to social situations and that makes me feel like a freak that should isolate from people. My friend is gone because he moved away and I'm worried he only reaches out to me out of pity. I just want to be dead. I don't want to self-harm but I don't know how to cope and I don't know how to get people other than him to care about me. I have to act happy in text messages with people besides him because I don't want to burden them with how I'm feeling. I'm 20 and I hate being 20, but I hated being 19 and I hated being 18 too. The happiest point I felt in my life is when I met him. I can't recall ever being able to make myself happy.

People like me are always going to be messed up and overly reliant on others because their self-esteem is too low to trust themselves to make proper decisions. I wish there was an excuse for my behavior. I want to die since I don't know what to do with myself and no one knows what to do with me. I spiral over literally everything and it makes me want to vomit. I talk about so many negative things because I can't find a way to think positively. I think everyone hates me because I'm picking apart everyone's behavior, whether they're talking to me or not, to try and tell if they're annoyed with me or bored of me. People used to tell me, "It's ok to not have friends!" or "You're so young!" but I literally feel like I have a sickness. I must look like such a pitiful person. I don't deserve people's company. Something's gone wrong.

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[Haematemesis]

i understand your issues and im sorry

as for people saying "it's ok not to have friends" that's just manipulation

social needs are very crucial and it is what makes us us. if we weren't in need of society and friends our civilization wouldn't be here. we are not one of those reptiles that lay eggs and once they hatch they are on their own, no we are meant to be social. we are meant to have friends.

i hope it gets better

 

[wantingdignity]

Loneliness sucks. I'm really sorry. I've been in codependent relationships before, including having a huge crush on one of my friends when I was just a little younger than you. I was so scared of being alone that I was terrified of her moving away. A lot of my friendships at that time were strained because I was not a happy person to be around. It felt like I had a black hole in my chest and I was terrified of falling into it.

That was ten years ago. I wish I had an easy answer to give you, but the only thing that broke me out of that funk was actually being alone for a little while and having to rebuild with new friends for a little while.

Just know that if the worst happens and you are alone, you will be okay. Not at first, but you will. You have the ability to rebuild. You have the ability to expand your support system too. It will take time, but it's not impossible.

To start to feel better in your relationship with your friend, it would be good to spend some time apart and for you to set boundaries. It doesn't have to be a big thing - maybe have one social "event" that doesn't involve him this week (like going to get coffee with someone, going to a community event, family thing, etc). Boundaries could be limiting romantic behavior on your end if it's not reciprocated.

Im sorry you're going through this

 

[monetpompo]

To start to feel better in your relationship with your friend, it would be good to spend some time apart and for you to set boundaries. It doesn't have to be a big thing - maybe have one social "event" that doesn't involve him this week (like going to get coffee with someone, going to a community event, family thing, etc).

I've mostly been spending time with my sister since she's the only person in the family spend time with. I haven't been hanging out with my friends because of the things I listed (no car, don't have money) and that's stopped me from making friends too. I don't really live in an area with people around because I live in the suburbs (Texas is full of suburbs with a mix of old people and young kids that eventually move out because living in the suburbs is so depressing), so i always seem to have a hard time finding things to do at all. My friend hasn't been with me since January, so I have been spending time alone. I think about him every day, even though that's probably bad. I've really, really wanted to be able to spend time with other people because he was the only person that wanted to make the effort to pick me up from my place and drive me around, but I haven't found anyone that lives nearby or that would want to pick me up to hang out with me. I don't want to date since I don't really feel affection for people, but I want to make friends. I've been receding into myself lately since things are becoming more of a burden for my dad, since he drives me everywhere. I feel like everything I do inexplicably makes me a burden and I hate it. He's my best friend and I feel so disgusting for being so possessive over him when I know he just wants to live a happy life at the city he moved to for school. I spend a lot of my time alone but I don't know how to fill that time. It makes me feel really anxious and like I'm wasting away. I feel like the only person I have to blame is myself.

as for people saying "it's ok not to have friends" that's just manipulation

Adults would tell me that. The condescending, well-meaning kind that didn't really know how to talk to me about anything. I think older people don't really see young people as people with real feelings since they still think that they're stupid. I still feel the same guilty, painful feelings that I was talking about at 17 that I talk about now. People on hotlines or people I tried to go for guidance in real life but didn't have anything to actually say to me. I feel like I genuinely can't live without other people in my life and that makes me a worse friend by default. The mindset I have makes it hard to keep and make friends because I'm always trying to find ways to blow up the situation and make them hate me. It's just another form of self harm.

 

[clavicle]

insanely relatable, i can only have 1 friend at time and only if they also have no other friends i feel terrible about it