Ghuleh
my head wasn't wired for this world
- Jan 30, 2025
- 4
Hello this is my first post, I've been lurking around the site for a few years now but only now decided to make an account.
I've never talked about this before because I am too ashamed of how things turned out, I was once someone people expected great things from but today I am nothing but a shell of a person.
Despite going through bullying I was a straight A's student back in highschool up to the last few months before graduation. I started to struggle with math even though it used to be my strongest subject despite trying hard to get back on track. I wasn't sure on what I wanted since I had spent all my teenage years wanting to die I never thought about what I wanted to do as an adult. Long story short I ended up dropping out of three different universities due to different things; gutwretching anxiety after chronic weed use, being sexually assaulted by the father of one of my best friends with her involvement, being raped by another friend. I felt betrayed by the people I thought were my friends, shame and humiliation consumed me to the point I couldn't bare to leave my house anymore.
Over the last five years I've become completely isolated, secluded to the point I don't even like going out to my own patio. I guess everyone around me kind of just accepted this is how I am, no one cares. The sole reason of me making it this far is the guilt of hurting other people, specially my baby brother who I know loves me dearly, my aging grandmother who I live alone with and my mother who despite not knowing how to help me I'm sure did her best trying to raise me with what she had. However, I feel like my time is up, I can't keep dragging the inevitable, I can't keep living like this, this is no way of life and I feel utterly hopeless most of the time now days.
I know I'm sticking around at least till late september since I have tickets to see my favorite band with my brothers and step father.
I've never talked about this before because I am too ashamed of how things turned out, I was once someone people expected great things from but today I am nothing but a shell of a person.
Despite going through bullying I was a straight A's student back in highschool up to the last few months before graduation. I started to struggle with math even though it used to be my strongest subject despite trying hard to get back on track. I wasn't sure on what I wanted since I had spent all my teenage years wanting to die I never thought about what I wanted to do as an adult. Long story short I ended up dropping out of three different universities due to different things; gutwretching anxiety after chronic weed use, being sexually assaulted by the father of one of my best friends with her involvement, being raped by another friend. I felt betrayed by the people I thought were my friends, shame and humiliation consumed me to the point I couldn't bare to leave my house anymore.
Over the last five years I've become completely isolated, secluded to the point I don't even like going out to my own patio. I guess everyone around me kind of just accepted this is how I am, no one cares. The sole reason of me making it this far is the guilt of hurting other people, specially my baby brother who I know loves me dearly, my aging grandmother who I live alone with and my mother who despite not knowing how to help me I'm sure did her best trying to raise me with what she had. However, I feel like my time is up, I can't keep dragging the inevitable, I can't keep living like this, this is no way of life and I feel utterly hopeless most of the time now days.
I know I'm sticking around at least till late september since I have tickets to see my favorite band with my brothers and step father.
