Hi everyone, I'm new here. Found out about SaSu through the New York Times article while googling about SN.
First off, english is not my first language so apologies for some grammatical errors. I've been a lurker here for a couple of months now and have never really felt the urge to share until now. I'm not really sure if there is anyone here like me. From what I've learned so far, the reasons most people want to ctb are: severe and unbearable emotional or physical pain, mental disorders, traumatic life experiences, dysfunctional families, social rejection, poverty, sadness, grief, shame, worthlessness, guilt, feeling like a burden, life isn't worth living, hopelessness, heartbreak, divorce, unemployment, retirement, homelessness, death of a love one, bullying, discrimination, etc. All valid reasons, I suppose. But from what I gather, these people are mostly good people, just unlucky or dealt a bad hand in life.
I say there isn't anyone here like me because I'm not sure if I'm a psychopath or a sociopath, I just know that I'm not a good person at all. This isn't about guilt, or honesty, or trying to open up or baring my soul or any of that shit. It's about simply stating facts about myself.
I am an introvert. I can go months holed up in one place without talking to anyone and I'd be fine. Most people associate loneliness with being alone. That is the farthest thing from the truth. I neither feel happy nor lonely whether I'm alone or in a roomful of people. I just prefer to be alone because I like being alone. It has nothing to do with happiness or loneliness, just a matter of choice or preference. I am physically healthy. I'm not suffering from any debilitating sickness or suffering from any mental disorder that I know of. I'm not a genius, but I consider myself fairly smart and I did pretty well in my academics and professional life. I've had no traumatic life experience. I wasn't bullied in school or anywhere. I did not come from a dysfunctional family. I don't really talk to my parents or siblings, but that's just how I like it, and for me that's normal. I'm not a social outcast, I can communicate and connect with casual acquaintances and make friends with just about anybody, I just choose not to. I've been in numerous relationships with the opposite sex but have never experienced heartbreak, I've always been the one to cause them. I don't feel sadness or grief. When my father died, I went to a bar, got drunk, and hooked up with a stranger. I don't feel shame or guilt. I've cheated on all my girlfriends and felt no remorse after whatsoever. I don't feel like life isn't worth living, I don't even think about that stuff. I just live. I eat, drink, shit, smoke, fuck, sleep. I don't believe in God or any higher being, or the purpose or meaning of life and all that existential crisis shit. I know I am just a bag of chemicals with an expiration date.
So why do I want to ctb? I just do. Again for me it all comes down to a matter of choice and preference. I live, and right now I choose not to anymore. I prefer death. it's as simple as that, no deep meaning or profound psychology to it.
My SN arrives tomorrow. I can't wait.
First off, english is not my first language so apologies for some grammatical errors. I've been a lurker here for a couple of months now and have never really felt the urge to share until now. I'm not really sure if there is anyone here like me. From what I've learned so far, the reasons most people want to ctb are: severe and unbearable emotional or physical pain, mental disorders, traumatic life experiences, dysfunctional families, social rejection, poverty, sadness, grief, shame, worthlessness, guilt, feeling like a burden, life isn't worth living, hopelessness, heartbreak, divorce, unemployment, retirement, homelessness, death of a love one, bullying, discrimination, etc. All valid reasons, I suppose. But from what I gather, these people are mostly good people, just unlucky or dealt a bad hand in life.
I say there isn't anyone here like me because I'm not sure if I'm a psychopath or a sociopath, I just know that I'm not a good person at all. This isn't about guilt, or honesty, or trying to open up or baring my soul or any of that shit. It's about simply stating facts about myself.
I am an introvert. I can go months holed up in one place without talking to anyone and I'd be fine. Most people associate loneliness with being alone. That is the farthest thing from the truth. I neither feel happy nor lonely whether I'm alone or in a roomful of people. I just prefer to be alone because I like being alone. It has nothing to do with happiness or loneliness, just a matter of choice or preference. I am physically healthy. I'm not suffering from any debilitating sickness or suffering from any mental disorder that I know of. I'm not a genius, but I consider myself fairly smart and I did pretty well in my academics and professional life. I've had no traumatic life experience. I wasn't bullied in school or anywhere. I did not come from a dysfunctional family. I don't really talk to my parents or siblings, but that's just how I like it, and for me that's normal. I'm not a social outcast, I can communicate and connect with casual acquaintances and make friends with just about anybody, I just choose not to. I've been in numerous relationships with the opposite sex but have never experienced heartbreak, I've always been the one to cause them. I don't feel sadness or grief. When my father died, I went to a bar, got drunk, and hooked up with a stranger. I don't feel shame or guilt. I've cheated on all my girlfriends and felt no remorse after whatsoever. I don't feel like life isn't worth living, I don't even think about that stuff. I just live. I eat, drink, shit, smoke, fuck, sleep. I don't believe in God or any higher being, or the purpose or meaning of life and all that existential crisis shit. I know I am just a bag of chemicals with an expiration date.
So why do I want to ctb? I just do. Again for me it all comes down to a matter of choice and preference. I live, and right now I choose not to anymore. I prefer death. it's as simple as that, no deep meaning or profound psychology to it.
My SN arrives tomorrow. I can't wait.
