suffering
Too p*ssy to end it, too suicidal to leave
- Aug 17, 2018
- 398
I have to move again, apartments, cities. I'm so tired. I have been doing this since I was a teenager, I never spent more than a few years in one place. I have no place to call 'home', I always follow job opportunities or simply change context when things get too tough.
I know there are people out there with more serious problems. I shouldn't be complaining about such a small thing. My life could be much worse. Much, much worse. I was close to homelessness once. I have nobody.
Man am I tired of feeling like a hobo. Always packing, always changing places... I never buy 'things for the house' because I know I won't be staying. No decorations, no nothing. Empty room with a small bed. My suitcase on the floor. One bed sheet which I must dry the day I wash it because I have no replacement.
I just want a safe place that I can call my own... I want a bed that is mine, I want a home. I'm so tired of everything... Tired of being tired, of feeling afraid, of feeling like I don't belong, like I'm just a leaf who moves around as destiny demands, never being able to calling my own shots, never free to choose.
Recently I managed to save a little bit of money and I though maybe this time I can get a slightly better apartment or room. But then I thought... What if hardship hits again and I have to be frugal again... I might as well live in misery, as I got used to it. To jump from misery to misery is bad, but to jump from misery to comfort and then back to misery is even worse... The hit is harder. I might as well use my 'advantage' of being used to living like a hobo so that life can't f*** me later on.
You can't fall if you're already in rock bottom.
I know there are people out there with more serious problems. I shouldn't be complaining about such a small thing. My life could be much worse. Much, much worse. I was close to homelessness once. I have nobody.
Man am I tired of feeling like a hobo. Always packing, always changing places... I never buy 'things for the house' because I know I won't be staying. No decorations, no nothing. Empty room with a small bed. My suitcase on the floor. One bed sheet which I must dry the day I wash it because I have no replacement.
I just want a safe place that I can call my own... I want a bed that is mine, I want a home. I'm so tired of everything... Tired of being tired, of feeling afraid, of feeling like I don't belong, like I'm just a leaf who moves around as destiny demands, never being able to calling my own shots, never free to choose.
Recently I managed to save a little bit of money and I though maybe this time I can get a slightly better apartment or room. But then I thought... What if hardship hits again and I have to be frugal again... I might as well live in misery, as I got used to it. To jump from misery to misery is bad, but to jump from misery to comfort and then back to misery is even worse... The hit is harder. I might as well use my 'advantage' of being used to living like a hobo so that life can't f*** me later on.
You can't fall if you're already in rock bottom.
